September 3, 2009 | 4:31 pm

A woman’s prerogative

Posted by Ilana Angel

Is it okay for a woman to change her mind?  I know we have the right to do so, everyone does, but it takes on a different tone when women do it.  We are perceived as flakey or wishy-washy or b*****s.  Women are stereotyped as being overly emotional and unstable if we do the very simple, and permitted action, of changing our minds.

Even though I am fiercely independent and strong, I want very much to feel protected and safe. I can put up a pretty solid wall in the hopes of appearing brave and in control but at the end of the day if you look behind my bravado I am just a girl.  I can get easily spooked which can manifest into the harmless act of my changing my mind.

A woman can change her mind for a lot of reasons, or more often than not, for no reason at all.  It does not mean there is a change of heart or an emotional outburst.  We are not unstable and unable to stay focused.  It truly does not need to be a big deal or have to mean anything.

I have a date on Friday night.  When we made plans we decided I would come out to the area where he lives.  After thinking it over I feel a little odd driving out to a place that I am unfamiliar with and I would feel better staying in an area that I know.  I am not going to get lost going there or coming home.  Nothing bad is going to happen to me.  It’s not in any way about my forming an opinion about my date.  It’s not about my being flakey or wishy-washy, it’s not about me over thinking or wondering what he will think of me.  All it means is that I simply changed my mind.

Men need to realize that women can’t always explain why we do what we do.  Even if it makes perfectly good sense in our minds we sometimes don’t know how to articulate it in a way that you will understand.  In fact, sometimes it’s not worth trying because we don’t even understand.

When all is said and done men just need to roll with it and realize that they will never totally get us and when they think we are pushing them to the edge and driving them crazy, they must remember that we are fabulous, they totally love us and above all else, they must keep the faith.

September 2, 2009 | 10:53 am

Papa can you hear me?

Posted by Ilana Angel

I think about my father, of blessed memory, every day.  He is in my thoughts and my prayers and I find myself quoting him and smiling at memories.  There are days when I don’t even remember that he has passed away.  Several weeks ago I actually called his cell phone and then called my sister asking why it was disconnected.  It’s never easy to lose someone you love and there is something about losing a parent that makes you reevaluate your own life.  My dad, Robert Angel, was 63 when he passed away.  That is only 20 years older than I am now.

My father was disappointed when I got divorced.  Not disappointed that I was leaving my husband, he was actually pleased about that, he was upset that my dream of living happily ever after was ending.  It’s unfortunate that he could not see me now because even though I am not married, and that was always my dream, I am in fact happier than I’ve ever been.

I always wonder if my father would approve of the men I’m dating.  Even now at 43, I still crave his opinion.  There has been a boyfriend that I think he really would have thought was fabulous and a couple that would have inspired him to roll his eyes and say in his English accent, “Ilana have you lost your mind.  I forbid you to see that bloody idiot again.”  He said it when I was a teenager and he said it when I was an adult.  He always had an opinion about who his three daughters dated but for some reason he was a lot more vocal about the subject with me than he was with my sisters.

Yesterday I was talking on the phone with a man I once dated and he said something that made me feel like I was talking to my dad.  They were words dad would have said and it caught me off guard for a second.  I also spoke to a new potential suitor and he too said something that was so reminiscent of my dad that I made him repeat it because it was exactly what my father had said so many times.  I felt like my dad was somehow here for a couple of brief moments and I wanted the world to stop so I could suck it all in before it was over. 

I find myself seeing aspects of my dad in all the men I date. It’s so nice when I get a glimpse of him.  It’s quite corny but when those moments come it’s as though he’s here telling me it’s ok and that I’m doing fine.  Not only am I going to watch for the signs that show me know my dad is giving me his approval, but I’m going to pay closer attention when he tries to tell me I’m dating an idiot.

He will always be my dad and I will always love him and even though he is gone, he is in my heart and even if all the signs are in my head and not true at all, I don’t care.  I like them.  They give me peace and comfort and are proof that he will always be close if I keep the faith.

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September 1, 2009 | 11:37 am

JDate update

Posted by Ilana Angel

Well my friends it’s been an interesting couple of days on JDate.  What stops me from pulling my hair out is the lovely notes I’ve gotten from ladies telling me to stick with it because it works.  I heard from one friend who knows a woman who got engaged this past weekend with a man she met there and another friend who I did not even know was on JDate for 8 years before she met the man of her dreams and is now happily married.  So it can work.  It does work.  It will work again for thousands of people so I’m going to assume it can for me.

The purpose of these articles is to share my journey with you so buckle up kids because I’m honestly not sure where to even begin.  We could talk about the man who wrote to let me know that he is a devout Christian, has Jesus in his heart and is on JDate because Jewish woman are beautiful and he thinks a life can be shared between a man, a woman and Jesus, regardless of what her religion is.  I don’t really understand what he is talking about but bless him for putting himself out there and thinking outside the box.

Perhaps we want to talk about the 45 year old man from Argentina who is on holiday in Florida and has decided he wants to remain there so he is looking for a wife with the hopes of being able to stay in America.  He is also not Jewish but is open to converting and wants to be clear that he wants a real marriage.  He thinks if someone is willing to take a chance on him, he can make them happy and is dedicated to doing so.

We could discuss the woman who wrote me to see how JDate is working out for me and let me know that should I not find what I think I am looking for, she would be interested in visiting the option of a same sex relationship with me.  She thinks I’m really pretty and I should stay open to it because it took her a while to realize that the reason she could not find the right man, was because she should have been looking for a woman.

My personal favorite was the man who was concerned that my profile picture, which is of my head only,  means that clearly I am hiding something and he thinks it’s unfair that I posted a picture that appears to be someone very attractive which he is convinced is attached to a 300 pound body.  I’m going to assume that particular gentleman has been searching for a very long time. 

There is of course some good that came out of my joining again.  After my contractual obligation of 30 days it would appear that I will have about 3 years worth of things to blog about.  I also have a date on Friday night with a man who was very funny and charming on the phone.  He really did seem lovely and made me agree to call him Mr. X in my blog if I decide to talk about our date.  IF I decide?  Like not not writing is an option? How cute is he? 

As long as I keep my sense of humor, have no expectations, approach it all with an open mind and try to not be jaded or cynical, I will be fine.  I commend all the ladies who are out there trying and willing to sort through the frogs in order to find a prince.  I commend the men too as putting yourself on the line is hard for everyone.  I’m right there with you.  Be kind to all who reach out to you, don’t get discouraged, let me know if you need a pep talk and remember, above all else, to keep the faith.

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