August 15, 2009 | 2:10 pm

Shades of gray

Posted by Ilana Angel

I have long hair.  I get a lot of compliments on it and it is actually quite beautiful, if I do say so myself.  I had always planned to cut it all off when I turned 40 because I thought at 40 I should have an easy, short and sophisticated look.  When I went to get it cut I panicked and worried that if I cut it all off the change would be too dramatic for me and I would freak out so I decided to cut just my bangs.  Not the best idea I’ve ever had.  I looked like Cleopatra for several weeks and decided right then that I was going to leave my locks alone and in spite of officially being middle aged, I was going to rock long hair. 

So here I am 3 years later and I am faced with yet another hair dilemma.  Do I embrace the sudden shades of gray that are appearing at an alarming rate or do I revere each and every gray hair as a sort of badge of honor knowing I have earned them?  Why is it that when men get gray hair it is sexy and dignified?  Speaking of which, why it is that men don’t have to shave their legs, wax any part of their body OR cover their gray hair.  Sorry… I lost focus for a minute.

I’m sitting at home counting the hairs to see if it’s worth the trouble.  Perhaps I could just pull them out instead of coloring them.  Considering I have just counted gray hair number 412, I’m thinking that yanking these puppies out is probably not an option.  As I look at the box of hair color, which clearly states the promise of 100% gray coverage, it occurs to me that the model on the box cannot possibly be over the age of 25.  Am I to believe that this supermodel needs to cover her gray hair?  I’m not buying it.  She is a fake! 

I’ve now decided that I’m going to keep my glorious gray hair.  The young single girls may have higher boobs, flatter stomachs, fresher eggs and fewer wrinkles but what they don’t have is hard earned and sexy gray strands of flowing fantastic hair.  I shall hold my head high, love my gray and wear it with pride.  That could all change of course the moment a waiter calls me Ma’am instead of Miss.  Should that happen he’s going to get an earful so I hope HE is keeping the faith.

August 14, 2009 | 2:29 pm

Must haves for the single girl

Posted by Ilana Angel

I went to a surprise birthday party for my friend Jill last night.  It was such a great party and she was totally surprised.  Her reaction was perfection.  Mazel Tov to her husband Jeff and friend Laura for a job well done.  You did it and it was fabulous.  It was a fun night with a wonderful group of people and we all had a blast.  I discovered a couple of things that are simply “must haves” for the single gal. 

Every single woman needs a fabulous gay friend.  I am blessed to have many and I’ve got to tell you they are divine.  Now it could be a coincidence that they are great and just happen to be gay and I don’t want to stereotype but there is something about a gay man that brings things to my life that I don’t get from my other friends.  They call me on all my crap.  I’m not allowed to be self deprecating or feel sorry for myself.  They simply won’t stand for it.  They remind me that I am wonderful and any man would be lucky to have me and I should not settle.  I don’t know about you but of all my friends who are in relationships, my gay friends have the type of relationship that I want for myself.  They respect each other, are honest and open and while everyone has issues and struggles, they handle them with grace and positivity.  In spending time with a group of my gay friends last night I was reminded that life is good and that if I’m having a bad day I can turn it around by simply changing my perspective.  Again, they are not fabulous because they are gay, they are fabulous and just happen to be gay.  Loads of love to Scott, Paul and Howard.

Additionally, every single woman needs a straight guy to be her wing man.  Ari came with me to the party last night and he is the best wing man ever.  He is charming and funny and does not need a babysitter.  He made his way through the party and met some great people.  We were not attached at the hip but I knew he was there with me and it was such a nice feeling.  While we spent a lot of the party together, we both went off to do our own thing and yet if I looked around for him he would make eye contact and acknowledge that not only was he okay but made sure that I was okay.  Now this was a party that I totally could have gone to on my own.  I knew everyone there and I would have been fine but I think it’s nice to go with someone.  Even the act of introducing him to people was a good feeling.  To not be there alone was comforting.  Having a man on your arm, regardless of whether they are your romantic partner or just a friend is a good thing and allows you to be single without being labeled as the “single” one.  So thank you to Ari.

While I’m looking for love and hope to be in a relationship, I was reminded last night that I am okay on my own.  I am blessed to have great friends and a happy and healthy child and my life is full.  Some of my blogs could be perceived as my desperate quest to find love and the truth is that while I am on a quest, I am most certainly not desperate.  I look at Scott and Paul and Jill and Jeff and I see the love they share and I know that I want it for myself and will not take whoever comes along and try to force him into a mold.  I will view my quest as a puzzle and wait for the perfect piece.  He’s out there and God willing he’s looking for me too.  I’m going to take a deep breath, remind myself I am blessed and look at the world with joy not cynicism.  These subtle little changes will make it very easy for me to keep the faith.

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August 13, 2009 | 8:56 pm

Organic vs. Calculated

Posted by Ilana Angel

Well my friends it happened.  I had a great first date.  I am judging the success of the date on the fact that we planned our second date before he left which is always a good sign.  I won’t say anything else about it now for fear of jinxing it!  I called Ari my “go-to for a man’s opinion” guy to talk about the date and while his outlook on dating is completely opposite from mine, it is one that I respect, admire and somewhat covet. 

Sadly for me dating is like a job.  There is a lack of anything organic about the entire process.  The reason it is like that for me and others in my situation is because the opportunities for us to meet someone and have it be natural and a sign of fate are just not that possible.  Our social lives tend to focus around our kids.  Their social calendars are busier than ours and we spend a lot of time driving them around to their various activities and being on standby to pick him up.  The majority of my time is spent around other parents and in my particular circle I am not a part of the majority and often the “single one” in a group of couples.  The only way for me to really meet someone is to seek them out and be proactive by getting set up by friends or looking online.

For Ari, he is very mellow about it and feels like it will happen for him in a very organic and natural way.  He is not actively pursuing love.  He is open to it certainly and will be ready for it when it comes, but he waits for it to make itself known.  He feels that to force it or work so hard to make it happen will perhaps make him settle and create something with someone that is not there because when you are looking intently for something and you don’t find exactly what you want, you may be tempted to settle for something else just so you can stop looking.

As single people we need to never settle.  We will find exactly what we want.  I honestly believe there is a Beshert out there for everyone.  That said we also need to be careful to not become complacent.  If we sit around and wait we can easily get caught up in our routine and get so used to not looking that not looking becomes not interested.  I have a single friend Kristina who is 27 and stunning.  A really fantastic girl who is educated and funny and looking for love.  Her issue is that she works and has a full life and social circle but it’s hard to find time to venture out of her circle because life is so busy.  She is in a huge predicament because she is in my position in terms of the steps she needs to take to meet someone and in Ari’s position in terms of how she feels she will find love and I really feel for her because at some point she will really need to search it out like me even though she wants to find it natually like Ari. (Maybe I should arrange for them to magically meet in the frozen food section at Gelsons!)

At the end of the day there is no right or wrong way.  We are all hoping to go through life with a partner, lover and friend.  I’m looking forward to my second date on Sunday night and and am enjoying this moment in the dating process where anything is possible.  Whether you are searching or waiting is irrelevant.  We are all hopeless romantics and we will have the outcome we desire as long as we remember to keep the faith.

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August 12, 2009 | 2:36 pm

Why am I here now?

Posted by Ilana Angel

I usually wake up around 6 o’clock every morning.  I will go for a walk and just enjoy how quiet everything is before the day comes alive.  I think about my plans, my schedule for the day and the things I need to do.  I make lists in my head of the stuff I need to take care of for myself, my son, my job.  I pray.  That’s my morning routine. 

I am aware every day that my greatest blessing is being a mother to my child.  I have gratitude for my family and my friends.  I am committed to my faith, my dreams and my hopes for both myself, my son, my friends and my family.  I am happy when I write my blog and have a million things that I want to talk about in terms of dating and being single and relationships.  I’ve got stories of my own and from others that I want to share because I think they will entertain, enlighten and resonate.  With all that said I have a date tonight and that I am even able to put these few sentences together is a miracle. 

I feel sick to my stomach and go back and forth between being excited and wanting to cancel.  Really?  I’m 43 years old and it’s not like this is my first date.  I don’t get it.  Can someone please explain to me why this one particular date is throwing me off my game?  He’s a nice guy.  It will be fun.  I will be fine.  I am confident and open and dating is not a problem for me.  While I’m certainly not a huge fan of dating, I do it and I work it and I’m committed to meeting someone so I make it happen.

I guess I just never thought I would be at this place in my life at this time of my life.  It’s weird to be living the life I led in my 20’s when I’m now in my 40’s and responsible for a life other than my own.  Dating is tough when you’re young and almost embarrassing when you’re old.  You are reminded that you have a failed marriage or series of failed relationships.  You get all dolled up and look your best and then have to go out and admit to a stranger that you are worth taking a chance on when you’ve got a not so stellar track record.  It’s a brutal situation to be in.

To all my married and in a relationship friends and readers, tell your spouse/partner that you love them and fix whatever is broken because it is a jungle out here and trust me, you DO NOT want to be here.  To all my single friends and readers, we’re all in the same boat and rather than be embarrassed, just look around the boat and pass a life preserver when you see someone who needs it because even when it feels like the boat is sinking, all will be well if we just keep the faith.

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August 11, 2009 | 12:58 pm

Back in the saddle again

Posted by Ilana Angel

I have a date tomorrow night.  Not a meet up for coffee, grab a quick drink date, but a real old fashioned pick me up and go to a movie, have some dinner, drive me home date.  It’s charming and he’s charming and I’m looking forward to it.  I know we will have a lovely time with lots to talk about.  It will be comfortable and safe and the beginning of what I think will be a great friendship.  Also worth mentioning, I feel sick to my stomach about the whole thing.

My most recent relationship ended last year and my heart was broken.  It broke not only my heart but my spirit.  I was blindsided.  We were happy and building a life together.  He was involved in the life of my son, we were together every day and were connected on a spiritual plane that was magical.  One day he simply changed him mind and decided he wanted something else.  We never spoke about it, there was no indication it was coming.  My life went from black to white in an instant with no gray transition.  Does that make sense?

I was sad for a long time.  Sad because I lost someone that I loved very much but also sad because I lost a piece of myself.  I lost the ability to trust myself.  I beat myself up for not seeing it coming and not knowing what was about to happen and that is ridiculous because the issues were his not mine.  Relationships are great.  They take work and focus and communication.  I think there is a difference between something being hard and something taking work.  For me, relationships take a lot of work but should not be hard.  Break ups are hard.  Really, really hard.

Breaking up is hard for everyone.  It takes on a different tone however when kids are involved and even a harsher tone when it’s not a divorce but just a break up.  My son was a baby when I got divorced.  He has no memory of our ever being together as a family.  He has grown up with two homes and so that situation did not have anything for him to adjust to.  Now though, it’s harder.  He is a teenager and sees me in a relationship that is caring and wonderful and then it just ends and no matter how hard you try to hide sadness from your kids, they know and he felt the loss of the relationship not only for himself but for me too.

I’m not talking about it now to hash up the past or feel sorry for myself.  I bring it up because I think there are a lot of women reading this who get it and understand.  When you go through a break up you are convinced that you’re the only person who has ever been hurt this way and believe that no one could possibly understand what you are feeling.  That is just not true.  Not only do you know what I’m talking about but maybe you’ve been there or know someone who has and that is comforting and should bring us all strength.

A broken heart will knock you on your butt for a minute or a day or a month or however long it takes you to breathe again.  I know I will find my way and find my Beshert and God will be with me for every step.  I’m excited about my date tomorrow because I know that he gets me and when he reads this blog it will not scare him or freak him out.  It will make him smile and think I’m a total dork.

At the end of the day we will all survive our break ups and come out stronger and wiser and hopefully thinner.  Love is grand and life is blessed and all it really takes to understand how the whole thing works is having the ability to keep the faith.

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August 10, 2009 | 12:52 pm

Such a selfish girl

Posted by Ilana Angel

So I’m watching the Today Show this morning and they are talking about Dalia and Michael Dippolito.  Dalia is a 26 year old women in Florida who was arrested for trying to hire someone to kill her 38 year old husband Michael.  They have been married for 6 months and the coppers tricked her into thinking her husband had been killed and then videotaped her reaction knowing that he was not dead and they had already safely escorted him from the house.  She is crying and screaming and then they tell her she is busted and she denies everything.  Blah.  Blah.  Blah.

To be clear, I think this is a horrible story.  I cannot even imagine how shocking it must have been for Michael and their families that this has happened.  They appeared to have a wonderful marriage and all was going well.  She seems sweet I guess.  She is quite pretty, has a fabulous body and had a life that looked charmed from the outside.  He is a nice looking guy.  Granted he spent a couple of years in prison for racketeering or some other Soprano type crime, but everyone deserves a second chance and he was living his life and providing for his wife and planning a future with the woman he loves.

What I really want to know is:  Is she kidding me with the killing him part?  There are so many women out there looking for love and happiness and she finds a 38 year old man who is willing to commit and rather than just divorce him she is going to kill him and therefore take another man off the market forever when he could have been recycled?  Could she be more selfish?  I am just floored that she would not be supportive of her fellow women and simply throw him back in for someone else to catch.  As women, if we are not going to watch each other’s back then who will?

I’ll be following the story with mild interest.  I’m sure there will be a made for TV movie on Lifetime and she will do an interview from prison crying and talking about what a misunderstanding it is.  He will go on every news show talking about how shocked he is.  We will see him in Vegas getting his picture taken with a bunch of girls gone wild and he will eventually marry someone else and live happily ever after.  I’m happy for him that he was not killed and I wish him well.  I don’t know what the punishment is if you’re convicted of hiring someone to kill your husband, but whatever it is, they should tack on a couple of years for the crime of attempting to take a perfectly viable man off the market for no good reason.  Such a selfish girl! 

I wish them both well and hope it works out.  To Dalia, while you sit and wait for your fate, think about your selfishness and feel ashamed.  To all the ladies in south Florida, there is now another available man on the market.  Slightly damaged and fragile but available and not afraid of commitment.  Best of luck to everyone, think positive, be grateful that you are alive and always keep the faith.

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August 9, 2009 | 2:41 pm

Is this dating?

Posted by Ilana Angel

I’d like to talk about dating for a minute.  By talk about it, I mean complain about it and by complain about it I mean struggle to understand how it works.

I have a new friend called “Ari”.  He is smart and funny, charming and talented.  If I had any interest in being a cougar or thought it was cool to date someone who was young enough to be someone I used to babysit in high school, I would totally want to date him.  While he is in fact quite attractive, his spirit and sense of humor are gorgeous.  What’s so interesting about Ari is his outlook on dating.  He can take it or leave it.  He’s in his mid 30’s, Jewish, successful and is in absolutely no rush to find love.  He is happy to sit back and wait.  If it comes along that’s great.  If not, no worries because it will one day.  He has a full life and will share it when the time is right.

Is this mentality specific to Ari or to men in general?  I don’t think I have one girlfriend who is single and willing to be totally honest, who can tell you that she is not searching for love.  There are different levels of love of course. Some want to get married, some want to have a baby, some want to simply have a boyfriend and some just want a go to guy to be their date for parties or romantic partner when the mood hits them.  Women are always searching and hoping.  We don’t have the gene that allows us to sit and wait for love to come to us. 

I’ll speak for myself and for myself I mean all women when I tell you for us, every first date is filled with potential.  The hope that it will go well and there will be a second date, the hope that maybe it will lead to something, the hope that we’ll have a date for New Year’s Eve or Valentine’s Day, the hope that we won’t be the one single girl at a dinner party full of couples.  Now I know that there are men who also have these hopes.  The thing is that while we crave it and want it now, men are able to wait.  What they fail to remember is that the girl who they are “hanging out” with while they wait, is in fact hoping that she is the one.

I just got in touch with a guy on match.com.  We’ll call him “Richard”.  I was trudging through the piles of crap on there when I came upon his profile.  It lacked that certain stench that comes with lying and is prevalent with online dating.  It was the last day of my subscription so I sent a note to tell him that what he wrote was lovely.  The simple fact that he did not mention that he likes long strolls on the beach and is comfortable in both jeans and a tux made him instantly attractive.  So….. I write, he writes back, I give my number and he calls.  Now begins the part of dating that is so confusing and stressful to me.

We are not dating.  We have not met.  That said I like him.  He is funny and charming and not pretentious.  He is smart and has similar views to mine on life and parenting and I love how he talks about his children.  It’s only been a couple of days but we talk and text and check in with each other and laugh and flirt.  I look forward to hearing from him.  This does not make me crazy or a stalker or unrealistic or needy.  What this makes me is a girl.  We are in that rare moment in time when anything is possible.  It’s dangerous because when we meet there could be no connection.  What we have on the phone could just not translate.  I could think he was weird or creepy and he could think I am strange or a troll.  There are so many things that could go wrong.  It’s as equally stressful as it is exciting.

In the end meeting someone online is unnatural.  While it is a necessary evil and can work, it’s not organic or romantic in any way.  It’s an interviewing process and you go in with an open mind hoping that your resume is interpreted well and you get a second interview.  All you can do is laugh, roll with the punches, cross your fingers and keep the faith.

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August 8, 2009 | 6:12 am

Weekend Update

Posted by Ilana Angel

I hope everyone had a lovely Friday night and enjoys their weekend.  My son left today for a holiday with his dad.  They are going on a great adventure and I know he will have a wonderful time.  That said, when he left I walked around my home for about 20 minutes thinking to myself “What do I do now?”  I cried for a minute and by a minute I mean an hour.  Then my delicious son called to tell me he loved me and would miss me and all was well in the world again.  I decide that I am going to take myself out for dinner.  I go to my local sushi place, take a seat at the bar and settle in for some yumminess.  I am sitting next to a cute couple and little did I know I was about to have a front row seat to the most entertaining show ever.  It turns out to be reality TV, without the TV, at its best.

In the interest of protecting the innocent let’s call the girl “Crazy” and the boy “Poor Guy”.  So I’m sitting next to Crazy and she reaches over and takes a sip out of my water.  She immediately realizes she has grabbed the wrong glass and tells me she is sorry.  I assure her it’s no big deal and I ask the waitress for another glass of California Tap.  Crazy asks me if I’ve eaten there before and so I tell her I have and after finding out they have not, I make a couple of recommendations of my favorite things. 

I’m eating and minding my own business when Crazy turns to me and says “Do you think it’s weird that this is our third date and he does not know anything about me because all we talk about is him?” Is she kidding?  At this exact moment I’m pissed at myself for not having a pad and pen or even better my laptop so I can just start blogging right then and there.  I say “Excuse me?” with the hope that I heard her correctly.  She asks me again if I think it’s weird.  I tell her that maybe he doesn’t know that much about her because she has not volunteered the information.  I tell her that sometimes as women we tend to listen more in the early stages of dating so we can get a handle on who we are dealing with knowing that once we settle in we will not stop talking and it will all balance out.  So Crazy, bless her heart, says “No!  He never asks anything about ME it’s always about HIM.”  Then she starts to cry.

Poor Guy is sitting there with his mouth hanging open not sure what to do or say and clearly floored that this is happening at all.  He leans over her and says to me “Oh my God.  What is happening?  I thought we were having a nice time and I can’t believe she is doing this with a complete stranger.  We should just go.”  I tell Crazy that she needs to relax and everything will be ok and maybe they should go so they can talk privately.”  They are now creating a bit of a scene as she is a slobbering mess and the sushi guys are clearly talking about her in Japanese because everyone who works there comes to get a front row seat to the action.

This is the part of the story where Poor Guy becomes “Idiot”.  He looks at me and says “I’m really sorry but this chick is nuts.  We’ve had three dates and she wants to know where I am every second, why I don’t call her twenty times a day and when am I going to meet her mom.  I’m seriously over the whole thing.  I’m gonna go.”  He takes out his wallet, gives her sixty bucks tells her to pay for dinner and tells me she lives about six blocks away and can I driver her home.  He tells me sorry and looks at her and says “There is a reason that you are 32 and alone.  Get some help.”  And with that, he is out!  Even I, who has a million dating horror stories, can’t make this stuff up. 

Crazy is now hysterical and I’m struggling to be supportive of her while trying to remember it all until I get home and can write it all down.  Crazy and I ended up having a lovely dinner, on Idiot thank you very much, and then I drove her home and assured her that everything would be fine.  I feel sad for her.  She is lovely and pretty and while she is a little intense, she meant well.  As women we want to believe that every first date could be our last.  That we are able to get to a third date can in itself be a miracle.  I can barely find someone I want to see twice so getting to three dates means that there’s some potential.  On the other hand, its women like Crazy who make it hard for the rest of us ladies.  Idiot will go into his next relationship jaded and bitter and will tell the story about Crazy to his friends and they will talk about how all women are the same and he’s better off without her and he should date a bunch of chicks only one time so he doesn’t have to deal with this crap again.  In her attempt to somehow fast track her relationship after three dates, she ruined it for not only herself but for all the single women who will meet Idiot and think he could be the one.

If only Idiot could have been a little less crazy and Crazy could have been a little less of an idiot it might have ended differently.  I think the moral of today’s blog is that 1) Being single totally sucks.  2) Chances are you are not going to get married after three dates.  3) You can be a little less crazy and a little less of an idiot if you just remember to keep the faith.

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