September 10, 2009 | 10:39 am

Letting go of holding on

Posted by Ilana Angel

At what point does one let go of the past in order to have a future?  Does the past always linger in the back of the mind or can we release it?  Every relationship and experience has value and shapes who we are and has the power to make us stronger and wiser.  The thing is that I’m kind of stuck.  Let’s have a little public therapy shall we?

I went out for dinner with Mr. X last night.  He is very funny, charming and entertaining. He’s a total smart a** and I dig it.  He asks a lot of questions and has a lot of opinions about a lot of things.  We have a nice banter and while we don’t agree on everything I respect his views and appreciate how he presents them because he makes me think about things from a different angle.  His eyes are so blue that when he looks at me I want to dive in and go for a swim.  We have crazy physical chemistry and for whatever reason I can’t seem to be able to just relax.

I find myself trusting him in terms of talking about myself but at the same time I am intimidated by him and feel uneasy that I am able to share so freely.  I suppose part of it could be related to “Richard the Dick”.  I really liked Richard.  He was so mellow and calm that it was easy to settle in and feel safe.  I’m sure that’s one of the things that his GIRLFRIEND loves about him too.  If she had not called me who knows how long it would have gone on.  I’m thankful I was a slow mover on that one or it would have been crushing instead of disappointing.

While on paper my last relationship makes no sense, we were together and it was wonderful.  None of my friends, his friends or our friends ever understood how we worked but everyone could see the deep love and admiration we had for each other.  We never had a fight or exchanged an unkind word.  It felt like it was he and I against the world and I was my most beautiful when I was with him because he allowed all the good in me to come out and our connection was on a spiritual plane that I craved but never had before.  I was blindsided when our relationship ended and it still makes me question my choices.

At some point none of it needs to matter.  I am a great girl.  I am a brilliant mother, and a supportive and caring partner.  I am funny and kind.  I have a great work ethic and a respect for the earth and the people who share it with me.  I believe that people are inherently good and will extend my hand to anyone in need.  It is time for me to let it all go and believe in myself and my choices again.

When my son was young I was fine being alone because he was my focus and being his mother was all that mattered to me.  I want so much to embrace that I am a grown up and a woman and to trust myself again.  I have met some wonderful men and I put my guard up in an attempt to protect myself and in the end I am allowing my life to be ruled by fear.

Being single at this stage of life is brutal.  The good news is that we are older, wiser and stronger.  I am confident and uninhibited and if I can let go of holding onto the past, I will find what I seek and be open to accepting it. 

To all the single mothers who read my blog and let me know that they are going through the same feelings and experiences, let’s be brave and believe in ourselves and take chances.  We deserve to have it all.  I think of you often and your notes to me provide the strength to believe not only in myself but in all of us.  At the end of the day it’s time to stop saying and start doing.  I’m in the prime of my life and I want to let go so I can hang on and begin to enjoy the ride.  It shouldn’t be that hard if I keep the faith.

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September 9, 2009 | 9:19 am

Important stuff

Posted by Ilana Angel

1) My Blog is going to have a new name tomorrow!  Changing the name is a technical drag and will be annoying for a quick minute as people adjust but I’m very happy about the change.  Please allow me to officially invite you to the re-launch of my newly re-named Singles Blog “Keeping the Faith”.  I know it’s a pain to change links and change routines so I can’t thank you enough for reading and being supportive of my writing and my journey.  I am going to keep the faith that you come with me to Keep the Faith.  You will be able to locate the blog at jewishjournal.com, everyjew.com, and jewishjournal.com/keepingthefaith beginning tomorrow.

2) If you heard a whooping and a hollering last night around 9:50 it was me.  I was watching More to Love, Tuesday nights on FOX at 9 pm, when I heard something unbelievable.  They actually said, OUT LOUD, that Tali is Jewish and Luke has lots to think about if he is going to marry her.  I think it’s so important that the dialogue is happening and I’m so excited for the finale next week.  It is going to be great.  I get frustrated when shows, both scripted and reality, dance around the issue of people being Jewish.  I’m not sure why it bugs me so much but it does.  I have been blogging to the creator, Mr. Mike Fleiss, about this for weeks because all they talked about was how they were “culturally different” and religion was never specifically mentioned so when I saw the preview for next week I was thrilled to see it was being tackled head on. 

Now, while I think marriage is hard for a young couple who want kids and are of different faiths, they are a great couple.  Melissa is a dimwit and playing a game and has weird views on taking care of kids while Tali is adorable and loves him and I hope she is not disappointed in the end.  To my darling Mike Fleiss, I am no longer breaking up with you.  In fact, to be clear, I love you.  Note to self: when Mike and I have lunch next week (Mike I’m free for lunch next week.  Call me.) I need to give him a hug and say bravo.

3) My son starts 8th grade today.  He goes to a middle school which has grades 6/7/8 so this year he and his friends will be Kings and they will have a glorious year of being the big shots as members of the graduating class.  Next year they will face a whole new reality when they are on the bottom of the totem pole as high school freshmen.  I can hardly believe that my baby is now only one year away from high school and two years away from borrowing the car!  I could not possibly love him more or be more proud.  He is a wonderful child, son, student and human being. I wish him and his buddies well on this very special day.

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September 8, 2009 | 12:06 pm

Double dipping dating

Posted by Ilana Angel

So my friend “Liz” meets “Brian” online and there is a virtual connection so they talk on the phone and have a nice rapport and banter that is comfortable and easy so they meet for a drink and there is a physical attraction.  They talk about life and work and she discovers that he used to date “Amanda” who she works with.  Not only did he date her, but he broke her heart and Amanda is always talking about him at work.  Now Liz and Amanda are simply acquaintances, not close friends that see each other outside of work.  That said, they are together in the same department five days a week and Liz is very clear on how Amanda crumbled when Brian dumped her.

Amanda’s side of the story is that they dated for 2 years and were talking about moving in together.  Apartments were being looked at and then one day he simply changed his mind.  He told her he did not want to live with her because he was never going to marry her and he felt it would not be a good situation because they would then be trapped and breaking up after living together would be harder.  He was certain she would agree that the relationship should end.  Not so much.  From her perspective, they went from moving in together, which to a girl means that you are on your way to a wedding, to losing her boyfriend and her future with no real explanation.

Is Brian a hero?  Was he brave for walking away from a relationship that was not working for him?  Should he be labeled the bad guy because it wasn’t the ending that Amanda wanted?  Should Liz walk away because Amanda is a co-worker?  Should Liz be worried that she is getting involved with someone who she knows is a heartbreaker and could change his mind at any moment?  Did Brian and Amanda break up so that he could meet Liz who might be his Beshert?  Is there any situation where double dipping dating is cool?

Everyone has a history and there are two sides to every story.  Liz told Brian that she worked with Amanda and his response was that Amanda was a great girl and they had a tough break up about a year ago which he felt bad about.  His reaction to me was honest and kind and is a clear indication that he is a decent guy.  (That said, I saw something similar on Dateline NBC once and he turned out to be a serial rapist.  No pointing of fingers, I’m just saying.)

I think it is fine for Liz to date Brian.  It has been a year since the break up, and the fact that Liz and Amanda are not friends outside of work, to me eliminates any double dipping issues.  It’s simply a coincidence that they are loosely connected though Amanda.  The thing is, when we date someone new we don’t ask for names and addresses of everyone they’ve dated.  There is no background check to see if we know any of the people they’ve been with.  There are some things that are out of our control and ultimately don’t matter that much. 

Los Angeles is a big city but Jewish geography is a powerful thing.  We could probably play six degrees of separation and all have at least one person in common.  We just can’t make it that big a deal because if we over think it we’ll go crazy.  At the end of the day unless there is a ring or divorce papers involved the double dipping rule should not apply.  It’s all a crap shoot.  There is no rhyme or reason to who we meet, why we meet them or when we meet them.  We must just trust that it all happens for a reason and all we can do is enjoy the ride and keep the faith.

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September 7, 2009 | 10:57 am

Hard work pays off

Posted by Ilana Angel

I’ve written a couple times that I think relationships take a lot of work but that the work should not be hard, just work.  I was wrong.  I had this romanticized idea that if you were with the right person it should not be that hard.  Turns out that even if you are with the one person on the planet who was made for you and you are madly in love with each other, it’s still hard work.  To be in a healthy long term relationship you need to be able to see a far reaching arc to hang on.  If you get caught up in a bad time then you’ll stay there and the relationship will eventually burn out if you can’t look past the clouds to the sun.  The good news is that hard work pays off.

I had dinner with my best friend “Ethel” last night.  While we talk several times every day, I had not seen her in what seemed like weeks because work, life and kids sometimes get in the way.  She is a wonderful woman.  A true friend in every sense of the word and I love her very much.  I also love her husband “Fred”.  I actually introduced them.  Well sort of.  She came to a party with me and my son a few years back with kids and parents from his school and Fred was there as our kids were in school together.  Ethel saw Fred from across the room and said “Who is that?”  I was so surprised because to me he was just Fred and I never really thought of him as being available as he was recently divorced. 

I took her over and introduced them and she proceeded to flirt like there was no tomorrow.  She laughed and flipped her hair and when she accidentally sat on a plate of food that one of the kids had left, she got up, bent over, shoved her tuchas in his face and innocently asked “Is there cream cheese on my butt?”  That was it.  They went on a date, fell in love and got married about three years ago.  What’s so great is that even though I never would have thought to set them up, I cannot picture them with anyone but each other.  They are Beshert and it is through her eyes that I see things a little more clearly today.

Fred was laid off from his job over a year ago.  He had been there for a long time and when he left he looked for work but it was hard because he really had no interest in going back to the same kind of job.  He wanted a change and hoped that this unfortunate turn of events would allow him to follow what had been his passion when he was young and before he got stuck in a career that supported his family and he was brilliant at, but was not that excited about.

Ethel has been amazing.  She has supported him and his dream.  Fred has not worked in a long time and she has been an emotional rock through it all.  It’s hard when a man loses his job because he also loses a bit of his identity.  It is stressful and can set a couple up for failure.  It was not that Ethel believed in Fred, which of course she did,  as much as she believed in them as a couple.  They are together and they will stay together and so she did what was required of her to maintain her marriage.  In the end they are great and stronger than ever.  Fred is following his dream and Ethel is watching the man she loves rediscover himself and find joy. 

When the going gets tough you need to hang on tighter.  It is really just that simple.  Relationships are wonderful.  Sharing your life with another human being and always having someone there for you that supports and loves you is a blessing.  I look at Fred and Ethel and I smile.  They are quite a couple.  They are funny and crazy and two peas in a pod.  I love them both very much and I left dinner with my wonderful friend feeling happy and inspired.

I was reminded how fabulous marriage can be.  I will marry again one day and it will be my honor to love and support my husband.  Old fashioned?  I suppose so but I like that.  I’m a free spirited, independent and strong woman but at the same time I look forward to taking care of my husband through good times and bad.  I want a committed relationship very much and so for this particular goal I’m going to cross my fingers along with keeping the faith.

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September 6, 2009 | 9:37 am

More Random Stuff

Posted by Ilana Angel

1. Mike Fleiss has still not called me.  Enough already.  I’m going to break up with you Mike.  By break up with you I mean I’m not going to watch your shows anymore.  By not watch your shows anymore I mean I am only going to watch them on TIVO and never speak about them again.  By only watch them on TIVO and never speak of them again I mean I can’t wait for The Bachelor (coming to ABC in January) to start and I will watch it every Monday night and blog about it every Tuesday morning.  We are so breaking up if you don’t call me.  I’m serious. 

2. I just don’t get Mike Fleiss.  Why is it that on More to Love (Fox, Tuesday nights at 9 pm) when they talk about Luke and Tali they always talk about them being “culturally different” and never mention the religion?  Yes she is from Israel but more importantly SHE IS A JEW AND HE IS NOT.  It is OK.  You can say it out loud because we already figured it out.  No surprises.  It’s about more than a cultural difference.  Just one time let’s hear her proudly say that she is Jewish and her kids will be raised as Jews.  I want Luke to pick her because I think she is the best match.  Mandy is crazy and Melissa is a nightmare waiting to come to life.  I’m hooked and can’t wait to see how it ends. 

3. My son starts 8th grade on Wednesday of this coming week.  I cannot believe the summer went by so fast.  He’s in his last year of middle school and then it will be high school and girls and driving and drugs and not wanting to hang out with dear old mom.  I hope the year drags along so I have enough time to mentally prepare myself for all the changes and challenges that are coming.  And yes, I’m in denial because they’ve already started but I’m just not ready to acknowledge them.  By refusing to think about it I can somehow convince myself that he is still just my little boy.  Perhaps if I dedicate one day a week of my blog to “venting about my teenage son” it will ease the pain.  Note to self, good idea!

4. Mr. X called.  Great conversation full of laughs but still no second date.  Maybe the laughing is what’s odd because the funniness has a friendship vibe.  That said I think laughter is important and really sexy and needed in a romantic relationship.  I just don’t get the nuances of the dating song and dance.  There should be no rules or second guessing what the other person is thinking or feeling.  You meet, you dig him, it’s mutual, you go out again and life happens.  Why can’t it be that simple?

5. I did not win the lottery this weekend.  I think it’s rigged.

6. It is 7:30 in the morning in Los Angeles and already getting hot in the valley.  If I write any longer it will be too hot to go for a morning walk.  I could write for another few minutes and would be off the hook to work out this morning.  What do I do?  What.  Do.  I.  Do?  Time is being wasted.  Day is getting hotter.  OK, I’m off to spend an hour with Michael Buble!  If I keep the faith I will shrink my tuchas!

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September 5, 2009 | 10:17 am

Dating for Dummies

Posted by Ilana Angel

I have officially left the station for the JDate hell train trip I signed up for this week and had my first date last night with “Mr. X”.  I must tell you that no matter how old you get, how cool you think you are and how prepared you trick yourself into believing you are, a first date is stressful.

Mr. X was a classic JDater in that he looked nothing like his picture.  Online his photo is not a close up but you get a sense of his face.  The thing is that we had spoken several times this past week and each and every time he made me laugh out loud.  He is funny and charming and very entertaining.  I was looking forward to spending time with him based on those reasons alone so it was a huge surprise when I saw him in person because he did not match what I thought he looked like.

He is a really beautiful man and what is so great is that I don’t think he gets how great looking he is.  Now beauty is in the eye of the beholder of course but I found him to be so attractive that I was a little intimidated.  He has the most spectacular blue eyes I have ever seen and they catch your breath when you look into them and cause a mild heart flutter.  Once we started talking he was the funny man I met on the phone and everything was fine but my oh my, he sure is purdy!

I’m a very social person and an open book in terms of conversation and it was a pleasure to learn that so was he.  He was in person just as he had been on the phone. We talked and got to know each other a little bit and had a lovely dinner.  He was kind to the wait staff which I think is important and a good indicator of the type of person someone is.  We laughed and had what I think was a good date even though there were clearly some nerves from both of us.

There were a couple of things said during dinner that could be interpreted as our continuing to see each other but he never actually said he’d like to go out again and neither did I.  The evening ended with a very nice kiss and I wonder, is that how dates end?  If you like someone do you speak of seeing them again when the date is over?  Am I living in a 1950’s bubble if I was hoping for some kind of plan by the end of the date?

I am really not a good dater and it’s such a drag.  Is there a “Dating for Dummies” book?  I am brilliant at relationships.  Supportive and kind and I understand and appreciate the work that it takes to share your life with someone and am willing to compromise and work hard to maintain a healthy relationship.  When it comes to dating though, I just don’t get what you’re supposed to do or say.

The good news is that I survived my first date.  I met a good guy and had a nice time.  My advice to those boarding the train with me would be to not judge a book by its cover.  If someone makes you laugh and feel comfortable then go out based on that.  I know it’s a tough call because there needs to be attraction but if nothing else you have a night of laughs and sometimes you get lucky and a dreamboat turns up.

I’m not sitting by the phone waiting but I will admit that I hope Mr. X calls.  What will be will be and when all is said and done I’m happy to have made it through my first date.  Turns out all it takes is a deep breath and a leap of faith.

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September 4, 2009 | 10:03 am

Time for thicker skin

Posted by Ilana Angel

I don’t understand how it is that people who don’t know me are so readily able to be unkind based on my harmless little blog.  This morning I woke up wondering if my skin was thick enough to be a blogger.  It’s silly really that I would allow a complete stranger to have such power over me.  The thing is that I got a comment on one of my entries yesterday that really hurt my feelings.  It did not make me angry or scared, it did not make me rethink what I had written or cause concern that I had hurt their feelings, it simply hurt mine. 

I wrote an entry a few days ago called “Smile for the camera” that talked about how sad it is that I don’t have many pictures of me and my son together as he’s grown up.  We’ve had so many adventures and been so many places but the majority of our pictures are of him and I talked about how if I could go back I would have captured more pictures of us together.  After reading my posting, “LAReader” felt compelled to write the following: 

“Wow, if you got divorced with a 6-month old, you may have really bad judgment in men, or you may be really hard to live with.  Maybe dating is not the thing you should be doing, and just accept life as unmarried, and focus on your son and religion.”

This person does not know what the circumstances were that caused my divorce.  It was not poor judgment that led to my marriage.  I have a fantastic child from that union and he has all the best parts of me and his dad and I would not change one single thing about my marriage, including when it ended, if it meant I would have this child and be with him right here, right now.

All of my relationships have brought something to my life and just because they ended does not mean they were bad men or that I am hard to live with or have bad judgment.  Sometimes lessons need to be learned and each broken romance has made me stronger and wiser and one step closer to meeting my Beshert.  My goal in life is not to get married.  My goal is now, as it has always been, is to be happy and share my life with a man that I love and respect who will love and respect me and my son.  I can have that and still focus on my child and my faith.

My blog is just my opinion and thoughts on my own life.  It’s not brain surgery or rocket science.  I appreciate that people are reading it and have opinions and take the time to write to share their thoughts with me.  I suppose I even appreciate it when someone hurts my feelings because it makes me grateful for my life and my wonderful son.  It reminds me to look at the bigger picture. 

You hurt my feelings “LAReader”.  That’s all.  My spirit is intact.  I will continue to blog.  I will continue to search.  Perhaps the lesson here is that I need to toughen up a little, get a thicker skin and not be so sensitive.  At the end of the day it’s not that important and I’m sure you have moved on and not given this any thought.  I just wanted to talk about it for a minute.

I hope you all had a good week and enjoy the weekend.  Be kind to both those close to you and those you don’t know.  When people try to knock you down or take the wind out of your sails, just smile and be true to yourself.  Sometimes we need to keep the faith for both ourselves and those who can’t do it on their own.  Shabbat Shalom.

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