May 8, 2011 | 8:13 am

Advice From Your Moms

Posted by  Merissa Nathan Gerson

Follow me on

In honor of Mother’s Day I anonymously interviewed a handful of America’s finest matriarchs. Before we begin, a humble shout out to the mothers we have lost whose advice on these topics would have no doubt assisted women everywhere in living on their wilder side, including but not limited to the fabulous Kathy Blane, Sherry Millard, and the many others who shaped the better of our generation. You are missed.

Without further ado, The Wisdom of Your Moms:

Advice to a virgin:

It might not be great the first time.

Lubricate yourself.

Go for it!

Hold on to it, it’s not going anywhere.

Get birth control - you never know when children will happen.

Advice to a woman who can’t come:

This is if there isn’t some medical or other serious reason she can’t:

Relax.

Have a drink.

Get a sex toy online so you don’t have to deal with any hassle. And then just teach yourself how to do it.

Bedroom advice for men:

Slow down, take your time, listen.

This is not a race to the finish.

Secret sexual knowledge:

Be sexy.

Be open to try new things.

Know what your guy wants.

How do you know what he wants?

Men don’t verbalize normally, but they do try to lead the way and you just have to trust and go for it.

How do you know if there is more to him as a lover than what he says he wants?

Show him.

Push his limits.

Be totally open.

Follow the moment.

Advice to a woman with many lovers:

Stop.

Get rid of most of them. Pare it down and simplify your life.

Advice to a woman with a cheating partner:

Get rid of him - unless you have a child. And even then, I don’t think I could deal with it, but some people can.

Advice for finding a husband:

Don’t try to find it - they will come to you.I was asked by four men for their hand in marriage but it wasn’t something that I wanted to do. The fifth was the man I married. Sometimes women scare men away because they so need to get married.

There’s a difference between declarative intention, ie, I will find a good man, and needy desperation to transform a lover into a husband.

Guys take their own time. The more you push, the more they move away from you.

Demand to be treated with respect.

No man is going to want you if you don’t have self-respect. If you expect respect, you will get respect.

Don’t give it away for free.

Pursue your interests and have a good time.

Advice to a newlywed:

You have to stop thinking about yourself. Even in this age of equality, it’s compromise. You have to go 60/40 in a marriage to make it work.

The real thing is, you have to compromise, but you also have to be yourself. Deal with who you are and the other things will fall into place.

Be sure that before you get married, you know who you are marrying. People don’t change. A lot of women expect that marriage will transform their husband into a new and better person. What you got dating him, you will get after the wedding. After marriage he will still be him, so be sure you like that person.

The party is over. The work is here.

There is always a downside after the performance of a wedding, relax, you will get through it.

Sometimes women are so focused on the wedding that they forget there is a marriage that happens after it. Marriage does happen.

Talk to your spouse.Enjoy it now, it’s never going to be as simple as it is at that moment. It will get better, richer and more complex, but never as simple and wonderful as those first few months.

Advice on good living:

Just be happy.

Don’t have crazy expectations and don’t push people.

Don’t wear yourself out. 

Shore some of the responsibility, let others be there for you.

Don’t try to do everything.

Do everything.

And finally, to my own mom, the invincible: I love you.

Happy Mother’s Day from Your 28-Year-Old Yenta!!!

Ask Yenta!  E-mail a question to merissag[at]gmail[dot]com directly, or using www.send-email.org to ask anonymously.

Ask Your Yenta

April 8, 2011 | 5:00 am

Online Dating 101

Posted by  Merissa Nathan Gerson

Dear Yenta,

So I recently signed up for an online dating site (JDate).  First day on I see this guy who I’ve met just once in “real” life (though long enough to become Facebook friends w/ him—I asked).  I’d like to be better friends with him either way, but first have to bridge the awkward divide…

Ideas to write to him? A friend suggested, now that we’re Facebook friends maybe we can be JDate friends. Groan. Any better ideas Yenta?

-J-Lost

Dear J-Lo,

There are a few laws involved in maintaining self-respect and limits when it comes to online dating.  I have a full handful of close friends who have discovered the loves of their lives online, so here are a few words to the wise.

1)  Be honest.  Be real.

2)  Not too honest.  Not too real.

Basically, you want to be giving a safe version of “you” out to the world.  One that if they take it, awesome, and if they leave it, no skin off your back.  If your stakes are high in an e-mail, he will either buy it and marry you, or be full on freaked by your desperation.

Some people can go full throttle with the online dating scene, partly because they don’t fear rejection. It is really a matter of how sensitive you are, in general.  Cultivate that fearless attitude, and you are golden.  It is done by simultaneously opening yourself and protecting yourself.  Giving just a little, watching, and continuing.  Like advancing towards a pirate ship.  Only in this case, you want to join the band of pirates.

With this guy I say just be straight up and say what you want.  “Hey!  Funny finding you here.   How are you?”  See how he takes it.  Go gentle so he can breathe.  With an “I want you, I always have wanted you, now we are e-friends in more ways than one,” he might suffocate.  Or, why not wait for him to come to you?  Not so unheard of.

Also, be wary of seeking your affirmation of self from e-dating.  If every conversation makes or breaks your self-esteem, you are in for a beating.  It is like weeding a garden until left with exactly what you hope to grow.  It takes time, differentiating the vegetables (lovers), the wild from the sustainable.  Capiche?  Love comes from you, from your family and from your friends.  Dating is just a fun social perk until, possibly, it turns into love.

In the end though, it is dating, i.e., a way of packaging and showing a sliver of yourself in hopes that someone else’s sliver of self likes you, at which point the sliver turns into a full on self-exposure/love affair.  Trust yourself and go easy on the gas.

Ask Yenta!  E-mail a question to merissag[at]gmail[dot]com directly, or using www.send-email.org to ask anonymously.

Ask Your Yenta

0 Comments — Leave your comment

April 3, 2011 | 2:08 pm

Acupuncture Addict

Posted by  Merissa Nathan Gerson

Dear Yenta,

I’ve been going to acupuncture regularly for about 4 months as a way to improve my general health and boost my immune system.  Really though, I got hooked thanks to the hazy, fuzzy kinda high feeling I got right after a treatment.  What can I say?  It’s a natural high!

The problem is that I’m not really getting high anymore- the buzz has worn off and my body is getting use to the feeling.  Since I’m not going for any specific ailment, I can’t decide if that means I should stick with it or move onto the next “natural high” experience (bikram yoga, perhaps?).  Have you ever experienced this kind of thing?  What do you say?

- Poked and Prodded in New York

Dear PAPINY,

I have experienced this kind of thing, and about ten to one-hundred varieties of this kind of thing.  For some people it is normal to get all stoney-like after being treated.  Acupuncture, when done well, should align you towards a more whole and balanced version of yourself.  For some, this alignment makes them feel euphoric.

They say that after a treatment you are supposed to feel into that natural high and remember it, because that state is your life goal or an experience of your purest and best self.  One girl I met at a co-op in Boulder would be so happy post-treatment.  It was really important to her not to drink or eat sugar or do anything that would alter that state for at least a day after her treatment, because she wanted to get acquainted with that higher self feeling.

If you are feeling less high but more inclined to continue seeking that high in ways like yoga, etc., I would say the acupuncture is working well.   You don’t want paid treatments to be the only way you achieve that sense of self, you want to be reaching for ways to integrate that high into your daily life.

There is no reason to walk away from treatment, unless financially it is too much.   Because if you can continue to afford it you will only continue to balance and move the body.  One acupuncturist told me that he and his friends went daily in China for treatments.  Everyone benefits from realignment.  Period.

So now that the high has worn off, check in on your lifestyle.  Chances are it has changed and maybe you are “higher” all the time, therefore not noticing the difference when stuck with needles.  Try to let go of that old reaction that you enjoyed and just be with what comes after each treatment.  The “non-high” is as important as the “high” and neither is better or worse, only according to what your mind has told you.

If, however, the treatments leave you feeling low, reassess from scratch.  Sometimes too much alignment is too much to handle.   Other ways to balance your system include changing eating habits, changing drinking habits, learning to meditate, exercising more and/or finding a yoga studio nearby.  It is way easier said than done, so also seek a community to support your healthy new existence.  Advance according to your intuition, and according less to pleasure and more to whether you are suffering.

For more information on acupuncture, read:

The Web That Has No Weaver: Understanding Chinese Medicine by Tim Kaptchuk

Between Heaven And Earth: A Guide to Chinese Medicine by Helen Beinfield and Efrem Korngold

Or…visit Acupuncture.com.

Ask Yenta!  E-mail a question to merissag[at]gmail[dot]com directly, or using www.send-email.org to ask anonymously.

Ask Your Yenta

0 Comments — Leave your comment

March 31, 2011 | 2:01 pm

Haunted By Ex - In Bed

Posted by  Merissa Nathan Gerson

Dear Yenta,

When I have sex, I think about my ex-husband. My new lover is amazing, wonderfully caring, and very talented in bed (which my ex-husband lacked), but every time we are intimate, I see my ex-husband’s face.  I’ve come so close to calling out his name but caught myself every time. I am very upfront and honest with my new lover, but this is one thing I just don’t think he would understand. I miss my ex, I won’t lie, but at the same time, I am much happier without him. How do I get him out of my bedroom?!

-Mentally Cheating

Dear MC,

There are two things that you can do.  One: Leave this man and mend your heart, do the work to get over your ex, and then resume dating him or someone else.  Two.  Deal with it within the relationship.

Thinking about your ex-husband is normal, especially if you were with him for a long time and that time included having sex with him.  But thinking about your ex while in bed with the new guy, that’s another story.  It indicates an inability to be present with the man in front of you, replacing his face with the face of another.

You can look at this as an opportunity to learn.  When your husband’s face or memory comes to mind, stop for a minute, look around, and check in with yourself.  What, exactly, are you longing for that you are not experiencing then and there?  Could there be a lack of intimacy and trust with this new man, making you long for the old?

Also, is this new dude up to par?  This regression into old memories could be a sign that the new lover is not good enough for you.  After a bad or ended relationship we often choose sub-par lovers in fear of never loving again.  Set your standards high enough and follow suit.

Either leave him, or nurture the relationship with the lover.  If, though, he is just a “lover” then who cares?  Maybe he is just a filler for the old, in which case this haunting is a sign from deep inside of you reminding you that you haven’t let go of yesterday.  Choose.  Then or now, and if now is the choice, then work hard at making your present reality and your present relationship one that sates you.  Build the trust, expose the edges, and begin again.

My guess though, is that you need to dump the lover and cry by a river somewhere or something to purge the ex from your body.  Do what it takes to address and mend the hurt parts so you can love and trust again, ie, be present and satisfied with the man in front of you.
For help read these simple steps for Recovering From A Failed Relationship.

Ask Yenta!  E-mail a question to merissag[at]gmail[dot]com directly, or using www.send-email.org to ask anonymously.

Ask Your Yenta

0 Comments — Leave your comment

March 29, 2011 | 1:56 pm

Writer’s Block Psychosis

Posted by  Merissa Nathan Gerson

Dear Yenta,

I have lost the ability to write. An initial, hiccupy writer’s block that originated with a piece of assessment I disliked has grown into an all-encompassing loss of words. I get my housemate to dictate birthday cards to relatives because I cannot be sure I’ll say the right thing, and have become lax in replying to emails because the construction of even a simple response is onerous. The only thing I can write is lists, on post-it notes, of all the essays I have to complete. I feel paralyzed, and rather ashamed. It’s only words, after all: how difficult can it be to arrange them into coherent sentences?

This issue is all the more painful because it isn’t new, but rather is something that I thought I’d overcome. I’ve had a rather chequered university career: my transcript alternates between blocks of High Distinctions and Failure: Non-Completions. I was expelled from university for a period of a eighteen months for failure to maintain sufficient academic progress, primarily because I’d failed to hand in essays. This year, I started off very well, handing in essays on time and getting brilliant marks. I’d thought I was fixed. However, here I am again, faced with the voiceless fear when faced with a blank page.

Mute

P.S. This email took me two hours to write, and I don’t like it very much.

Dear Mute,

What you call writer’s block, I call a need for a lasso.  Simple.  Writer’s block has a million causes.  Your particular brand seems to stem from inner voices out of control.  Yes.  You have some internal critic that is on fire and preventing you from expressing yourself.

This is when every move, every thought, every utterance is stuffed back inside out of fear or shame.  If you think you will f up, a piece of you might be chanting, “you will f up.  You will f up.”  That voice’s job is to paralyze your creative expression.

Why the nasty inner mantra?  Only you know.  Be honest.  Stop calling this “writer’s block” and look at it as what it really is, an indulgence of the negative and cruel voices inside of you.  Help yourself.  Get those voices under control and start really living your creative life.

My personal favorite: meditation.  Why?  Because it is gentle, it is self-taught, and in doing it you find a community, depending on how you tackle stillness.  All it does is make you aware of the constant inner monologue in your head, and slowly, through focusing on the breath, teaches you to live without it.  Shambhala centers nationwide offer free meditation instructors who can help guide you through your mind until it is ready to quiet down.

Other things that help?  Stopping the voices before they start with excessive positive affirmations.  “I am smart.  I can write.  I write. Write. Write.  Written.” Try Tara Brach, Ph.D.’s Radical Acceptance for help.  Other ideas: see a cognitive behavioral therapist and explain you need to undo the stifling voices that cut off your writer’s blood flow.  Do whatever you need to uninvite the negative from your daily mental repertoire.

There are a million other ways to cultivate the positive.  Break your normal routine, touch nature whenever possible, exercise more, poison your body less, etc. etc.  You, however, sound like you have some more specific hard work ahead of you, acquainting yourself with your mind so you can do some solid summer cleansing of unneeded mental energy.

To write is a simple act of expression.  We complicate it with pressures and cruelties all our own.  If you don’t trust your voice, or don’t believe in that which you want to express, it is nearly impossible to let it loose.  Mean voices are an addiction.  Get clean.  Stop leaning on the negative and write your manifesta!

Ask Yenta!  E-mail a question to merissag[at]gmail[dot]com directly, or using www.send-email.org to ask anonymously.

Ask Your Yenta

2 Comments — Leave your comment

March 20, 2011 | 3:00 am

Caring for Cancer Caregivers

Posted by  Merissa Nathan Gerson

Dear Yenta,

This past year 3 friends I love lost their moms to cancer. In the middle of all the chaos I didn’t want to intrude or get in the way. I offered my full support but it never felt like enough to me. They were at chemo appointments & hospitals and I wish I could have been so much more helpful! There is a history of 6 different cancers in my own family, so this isn’t the first time I’ve watched people go through this and I want to offer more to those I love. So what do you give a caregiver who gives of themselves completely but doesn’t know what to ask for or how to ask for help themselves?

-Looking in from the outside

Dear LIFTO,

I went to a hipster meditation session once that seemed trivial until the leader asked everyone who had lost someone this year, or who knew someone who lost someone this year, to please raise their hand.  I would say 98% of the hands in that room went up, and the 2% were probably not paying attention.

Death is par for the human course, and is something everyone is dealing with, all the time.  Some, however, are doing so in excruciating, hands-on ways, and others more from a distance.  What do we do to help those braving the frontlines of mortality and illness?  We start with ourselves.  There is nothing more incredible than a friend with poise, calm and the ability to give, who arrives at a traumatic scene, a hospital, a chemo bedside, a funeral or a wake.

Humans are full of fear.  The fearless are the ones that comfort the needy without question.  We need to cultivate our own fearlessness so that when a friend calls us panicked, or a family member falls ill (G-d-forbid), or we bear witness to the horrible, our fearlessness somehow, through loving action, becomes contagious.  This is done through self-care, through facing our dark sides, through working on our own stillness so we may offer the same to others.

It is a balancing system.  The fearless care for those in need until depleted, then someone swoops in, someone like you, and holds the caretaker in their arms until a virtual rebooting takes place and they can continue the job of caring for the sick.  What you give a caregiver is a presence that says, “this is your time.”  For more ideas see:  How Do I Support Them Through Chemotherapy?

There are also admirable projects like “Care Chronicles,” a symptom management workbook for caregivers and patients.  Coined by a woman named Sarah Banks in memory and honor of her mother, this cancer management workbook is meant to help ease the difficulties of both the caregiver and patient.

“Caregiving for my mom,” writes Ms. Banks,  “was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life…  I’ve created this workbook, because I don’t want anyone else to have to go through what my family has gone through. I had an idea. A way to make my mom’s life a little easier. A way to feel a little more in control. Because after the chemo would make her sick, or when she’d fall out of bed at night, or we’d stay up till 4am at the ER, or she was so dehydrated she couldn’t pronounce a word…I had never before felt so helpless and out of control. I don’t want that for others.”

To support Sarah Banks’ campaign, click here.  She is raising money to self-publish packets to distribute to hospitals and doctors’ offices to offer answers to your precise question.  One thing you can do for your friends and family members as they go through this:  make a pledge to a cause like this one in their name, and tell them you just made a step towards easing the suffering of others.

For more information and help, check out:  Everyone’s Guid to Cancer Supportive Care: A Comprehensive Handbook fort Patients and Their Families by Ernest and Isadora Rosenbaum.

Ask Yenta!  E-mail a question to merissag[at]gmail[dot]com directly, or using www.send-email.org to ask anonymously.

Ask Your Yenta

0 Comments — Leave your comment

March 16, 2011 | 12:47 am

7 Jews for Japan Relief

Posted by  Merissa Nathan Gerson

By Popular Demand…

As if giving weren’t enough in and of itself, here are seven more who are giving vocally on behalf of the Jewish people.
FYI: When you do good, you do good, on behalf of the Jews or anonymously.  As long as your aid is helping those needing relief, I am not concerned with the denomination of the avenue.

1) Jewish Coalition for Disaster Relief
Click on the link above to donate online.

2) The Jewish Federation
Click on the link above to donate online now.
To donate by check, please make the check out to The Jewish Federations of North America and clearly mark JFNA Japan, Hawaii and the Pacific Relief Fund on the bottom of the check. The check should be sent to:
The Jewish Federations of North America
Wall Street Station
PO Box 148
New York, NY 10268

3) American Jewish Joint Distribution Committee
Click on the link above to donate online now.
You may give by mail or phone:
Check payable to JDC, please specify the program name
Attn: JDC
P.O. Box 530
132 East 43rd Street
New York, NY 10017
(212) 687-6200

4) The Jewish Community in Japan
Read this article Japan’s Jews Pitch on Disaster

5) IsraAID - The Israel Forum for International Humanitarian Aid
They sent a team of Israeli relief workers who are in Japan now.  Read more here..

6) Chabad.org
Read how Chabad and others are helping in Japan. 
" target="_blank">“Japanese Jewish Community Launches Sendai Relief Effort”
" target="_blank">“Japan disaster and Itamar killings put Jewish giving on the spot.”

7) World Jewish Relief
Click on the link above to learn how to give to the WJR’s relief efforts.

Ask Your Yenta

 

 

0 Comments — Leave your comment

March 14, 2011 | 3:40 am

10 Ways To Help Japan

Posted by  Merissa Nathan Gerson

Here is a list of 10 organizations and causes working to bring relief to Japan.  Give to one, give to all.
Do what you can, hug a friend, donate a billion - whatever it is, I believe it will help.

1) Searching For Loved Ones

For any who have loved ones abroad, Google has stepped up to help. Along with a tsunami alert posted on its front page, Google has launched the Person Finder: 2011 Japan Earthquake to help connect people that may have been displaced due to the disaster. Google has also launched a crisis response page filled with local resources and emergency information.
Inquiries concerning U.S. citizens living or traveling in Japan should be referred to the U.S. Department of State, Office of Overseas Citizens Services at 1-888-407-4747 or 202 647-5225.

2) The American Red Cross

The Red Cross has already launched efforts in Japan. Visit Redcross.org or text REDCROSS to 90999 to donate $10 from your phone.
On those rare occasions when donations exceed American Red Cross expenses for a specific disaster, contributions are used to prepare for and serve victims of other disasters.

3) Save The Children

Save the Children has also responded.
The organization is currently organizing efforts and donations to its Children’s Emergency Fund will support outreach.

4) International Medical Corps

To donate or learn about other ways you can contribute to its medical response, visit Internationalmedicalcorps.org. Also, text MED to 80888 from any mobile phone to give $10.

5) GlobalGiving.org

The Japan Earthquake and Tsunami Relief Fund was launched at GlobalGiving.org to garner funds that will be given to a variety of relief organizations helping victims of the earthquake. It has already raised over $100,000, particularly from concerned Twitter users around the world.

6) Salvation Army

Salvation Army personnel are organizing efforts in Tokyo and will soon send a team to help the severely damaged city of Sendai, Japan.
To contribute to earthquake relief, text ‘JAPAN’ or ‘QUAKE’ to 80888 to make a $10 donation or visit SalvationArmyUSA.org designate gift for “Japan Earthquake/Tsunami”
.
By phone: 1-800-SAL-ARMY - designate gift for “Japan Earthquake/Tsunami”

Or by mail: send your check marked “Japan Earthquake/Tsunami” to The Salvation Army World Service Office, International Relief Fund, PO Box 630728, Baltimore, MD 21263-0728
At this time, The Salvation Army is not accepting in-kind donations from the general public disaster relief operations in Japan as it is extremely difficult and expensive to ship in-kind donations overseas from the United States to Japan. The best way for U.S. donors to help Japanese disaster survivors is to make a cash donation.

7) Doctors Without Borders

Doctors Without Borders/Médecins Sans Frontières (MSF) is sending two three-person teams to the Iwate and Miyagi prefectures in Japan.
To learn more about the organization’s efforts or make a donation, visit Doctorswithoutborders.org.

8) Operation USA

Along with an appeal for monetary donations, Operation USA has also announced efforts to collect bulk corporate donations of health care supplies. If you are interested in donating bulk medical items, visit OpUSA.org.

9) PayPal

Judy Chang, head of PayPal’s nonprofit group, announced that transactional fees incurred by money transfers to US 501(c)(3) organizations (or charities registered with the Canada Revenue Agency) between March 11 and April 10 will aid relief efforts in Japan.

10) AmeriCares, ShelterBox and MercyCorps

Other relief organizations are also sending representatives to disaster sites, including AmeriCares and Shelterbox.
MercyCorps is gathering donations for its overseas partner, Peace Winds Japan, which currently has personnel on the ground distributing emergency relief in Japan.

For more information on how you can help visit Japan earthquake relief: How you can help.

Ask Your Yenta

 

4 Comments — Leave your comment