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Jewish Journal

Relationship: Now or Later?

by  Merissa Nathan Gerson

June 6, 2010 | 8:23 pm

Maybe you are meant to be making chocolate in the rainforest right now, instead of making love.

Hey Yenta,

The older I get the more I seem to be confused about what I want in a
relationship and who I want to have it with. I always thought that as
I got older this would get easier, but it turns out that as I accrue
more life experience I’m more interested by new kinds of people, by
new ideas and different experiences. I’m eager for a relationship
but am overwhelmed with the possibilities and often write things off
before they can develop, thinking they’re not what I want.

Can you offer any help?

-Quarterlife Angst


Dear Quarterlife Angst,

If you are at the quarterlife mark then I will place you at 25, because I want you to live to 100 with this person you will eventually find.

There are all kinds of people. Some, by 25 or 27 are ready to settle down. They have committed to a career-choice or a city, have found someone that they can see being with for the rest of their lives. Those people might have a second youth in their fifties when their children are raised, or when they decide to retire. Others, however, do those youthful fifty-something years earlier on, in their twenties. Those people, people like you, are not quite ready for partnered love despite the knee-dropping question-popping happening all around them.

Maybe you are in love with the world, your heart passed to many daily, instead of to one. To find lasting one-on-one love I like to think you need to first love yourself and your own life. If life is giving you newness and opportunity right now, then take it and run with it. It is probably teaching you and showing you things that you can later use in relationships.

If every potential mate you meet seems sub-par, they may very well be. There are tons of people in the world, but only a few that should be brought close to your inner sanctum. If you feel the suitors are unfit, so be it. Being picky is not stupid. Being single is not a sin. Time is not running out. Your heart is made of gold and should only be offered to someone you can be sure will honor and appreciate it as such.

If, however, you think you SHOULD be ready to commit NOW, then seek assistance exploring the reasons each date feels wrong. You can do this on your own, in fact, you should do this on your own. Keep tabs on the qualities that turn you on and turn you off. A vision for your future, a clear picture of the type of love you seek is a good thing to cultivate. That way, when love, the right love, finally does come along, you will not think twice because you will recognize it, trust it, and be ready to finally make that commitment.

Live it up, soak it up, enjoy your twenties and the rollercoaster they provide. Try to ignore social expectations and to follow your own heart. Read Sonia Choquette’s cheesy but valuable, insightful and helpful Trust Your Vibes: Secret Tools for Six-Sensory Living. That stable committed life will come, and when it does, you will be glad you chose this time to experience all you could.

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Ask Yenta an anonymous question!  Send an e-mail via www.send-email.org to merissag[at]gmail[dot]com.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

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With more than 10 years of talk therapy under her belt, Merissa has waded through life’s dilemmas with a constant reflective therapeutic bird on her shoulder. Add a few...

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