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He Likes Guys. He Likes Girls. Does He Like Me?

by  Merissa Nathan Gerson

December 6, 2010 | 1:13 pm

Choosing him as a friend or a lover can be a thin distinction. Photograph courtesy of Victor Jeffreys II, phiary.com/diary/victor.

Dear Yenta,

I am with a man who is bisexual. He says he’s sworn off men and seems to be really into me…at times. In fact sometimes it is extremely passionate. But he is not only bisexual, but also extremely troubled mentally.

Anyway-we hung out for 9 hours the other day at my apartment and he did not make one move which I think is strange-we did not even kiss. Usually when I am with a man and it’s new (we have only been together one month) its very passionate. What to do?

-Does He Like Me?

Dear DHLM,

You have given me lots of random tidbits, but I don’t completely see how they connect. From your question I don’t totally see what his bisexuality has to do with anything, except that you doubt his attraction for you. This could be the case with anyone, and does not necessarily have any bearing on his attraction to men. There are lots of things that can be happening here. My first inclination is that you don’t like this guy/are overwhelmed and confused by his nature.

Something may simply be amiss with him, or between the two of you, not related to sexual preference. Some relationships start physically wild, and others don’t. Some people are comfortable with doubling up on both emotional and physical intimacy, and others aren’t. It is possible that you and your man just need to move slowly if your connection warrants nine hour conversations. Long deep talks and long deep kissing is sometimes a lot to handle in one day.

Because you have been dating for less than six months and are already full of doubts, maybe convert this relationship into a friendship – as soon as possible. They say that it should be easy at first. I don’t always buy this, but I do believe that if you doubt their attraction for you it is a deeper issue. In those six first months, whether you are doing it daily or saving yourself for the lord, at the very least you should feel undoubtedly wanted.

You could talk to him, but I don’t think there is much to ask. “Do you like me?” That is awkward, and should be obvious by now. He might have deeper issues which you could try to discover via conversation. It is all a matter of how much wading through someone else’s demons you are up for.

Why, a better question to ask, are you drawn to him? What of yourself do you see in this man? What are you meant to learn from this encounter about your own inner workings?

Sounds to me like you got yourself a buddy more than a boyfriend, and in the end, there’s no crime in that.

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Ask Yenta an anonymous question!  Send an e-mail via www.send-email.org to merissag[at]gmail[dot]com.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

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With more than 10 years of talk therapy under her belt, Merissa has waded through life’s dilemmas with a constant reflective therapeutic bird on her shoulder. Add a few...

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