Breaking Up Sucks

April 15, 2010 | 7:06 am

Brain-Injured Coworker

Posted by Merissa Nathan Gerson

General self-care breeds patience.

Dear Yenta,

There is a woman I work with that has a brain injury that affects her emotions. And even though she tries to be friendly and nice, she can be very immature and irritating. How can I, under no uncertain terms, tell her I am not interested in being her friend but still not crush her?

-Avoiding Disaster

Dear AD,

When we encounter challenging people in our lives it is often a call to develop new skills. Patience is a virtue, so they say, one that is hard to come by, particularly when people annoy us. You need to cultivate patience, grow it like a plant, feed yourself so you don’t lash out unexpectedly at this woman. Friendship or no friendship, she will be at your job day in and day out.

Cultivating patience basically involves calming your own system. This could come as cooking for yourself, buying yourself relaxing things like soaps and candles, eating healthy, lessening caffeine, sugar and alcohol intake. Maybe add more excercise, yoga or meditation.

Tranquility is contagious just like frustration. If this woman is getting worked up, she may be picking up on your irritability. If I ran your office I would ask everyone to take extra care to calm their bodies and minds so this woman felt safe to do the same.

Oddly enough, a rabbi just walked by me while I was writing. I asked him your question and he answered, “I don’t think she should abandon her, this is her time of need.”

Perhaps instead of working so hard to avoid this woman, you should work on finding ways to face her and communicate with her more effectively. You might need to simply find solid ways of setting boundaries so she can actually honor them and this might require learning to speak her language.

People frequently talk down to those with brain injuries and mental illness, addressing them as if they were children. Often times people solicit less energy from others when they really feel seen and heard, with equality and respect. Treat a woman, brain injured or not, as you would like to be treated and you might be surprised by how her behavior towards you might change.

www.schizophrenia.com offers tips for communicating with the mentally ill. They specifically address the need to focus on both verbal and non-verbal communication. See below for more details and/or click here.

Watch your body, your words, your general demeanor. Work on clarity, intention, patience and kindness. In the end, whether you want to sever a relationship, or fine-tune it, these basic approaches should help you deliver your message without “crushing her,” so to speak.

More on communication from www.schizophrenia.com:

Guidelines for non-verbal communication:

1. Stand close to your relative, but don’t crowd his/her personal space.
2. Convey interest, concern and alertness through your body posture and facial expression.
3, Maintain eye contact with your relative.
4. Speak calmly and clearly.

Expressing positive feelings:

1. Look at the person.
2. Say exactly what the person did that pleased you.
3. Tell the person how their behavior made you feel. (Bad ex.: “You are nice to have around the house.” Good ex.: “I like it when you do a nice job cleaning the kitchen”).

Making a positive request:

1. Look at the person.
2. Say exactly what you would like the person to do.
3. Tell how it would make you feel.
4. Use phrases like “I would like you to….” or “I would really appreciate it if you would…..”

Expressing negative feelings:

Look at the person. Say exactly what the person did that upset you.
Tell the person how it made you feel.
Suggest how the person might prevent this from happening in the future. (Bad ex. “You are a frightening person.” Good ex. “I get very nervous when you pace around the room.”)

Active listening:

1. Look at the speaker.
2. Attend to what is said.
3. Nod head, say, “Uh-huh”.
4. Ask clarifying questions.
5. Check out what you heard.

April 12, 2010 | 7:02 am

Love Lusting

Posted by Merissa Nathan Gerson

Don't be narrow minded. Love is all around you.

Dear Yenta,

My heart is full. I am completely in love with someone, but for some
reason, I can’t let myself love him. I look for something, anything
that I can find wrong with him. So far the list includes: hairy back,
small penis, and his weight. These are all very vain issues, which
don’t really matter to me because his personality is above and beyond
perfect. I am searching high and low for something to be wrong with
this man so I have an excuse not to love him. Help.

-Lost in Love

Dear Lost in Love,

I don’t know about you, but I first learned about love from seventh grade sleepover parties. That’s where a group of young women would discuss what their limits were with men, how to give a hand job, and when the relationship went from making out to real steady dating. I think, for many women, it is hard to transition from this holy grail of sleepover party advice to adult relationships.

For one, it is always important to look at our definitions of “love.” If you are “in love” and you can’t “love him,” then there is something fundamentally wrong with this picture. Where is this relationship at in its progression? Are you in lust, soon to be in love? In like? Infatuated? Click here for Seventeen ’s help figuring that one out.

One middle school crutch worth leaving behind might be how much the physical lay the grounds for the emotional. As adults I think people often forget that as ok as it is to have sex and get dirty, it is also so ok to wait, go slow, and let your heart lead rather than your genitals. This slowing down makes space and time for real intimacy, real safety, and real depth.

One thing we did do well in seventh grade, despite the hype, was set limits and go slow, enjoying the intricacies of kissing faces. It sounds to me like this guy might be awesome, but you might not be ready to be serious now. This is why you are finding reasons to push him away, because you might not, on a deeper level, be sure you trust this dude yet. Key word = yet.

This is not to say he might not be the one, it just might mean you need to rip a hole in the relationship for some personal breathing room. Whenever we invent phantom issues it is because something else is troubling us subconsciously. His small penis and hairy back might really be a metaphor for your own fears and issues; your own broken heart and a need for some time to re-open it fully.

A wise friend in Seattle once said, “You can’t rush God.” I would say the same goes for love.

Ask Yenta an anonymous question! Send an e-mail via www.send-email.org to merissag[at]gmail[dot]com.

Merissa Nathan Gerson is a fan of

April 8, 2010 | 6:59 am

Questions From the Bar Crowd

Posted by Merissa Nathan Gerson

I once ventured out to The Cowgirl BBQ in Downtown Santa Fe, New Mexico. What started innocently as dinner with old friends ended in the sordid collecting of random people’s concerns. Yenta came out of hiding.

Here are flash answers to three men’s burning questions:

Man #1) Why is it that most women tend to react in a negative way towards a threesome?

Simple, deary. A) No woman likes competition, so if you are proposing introducing a third party into a monogamous pair, depending on how you breach the topic she will feel unlovable. B) Women rarely like to be objectified as a viewing station for some skeezy dude at a bar’s lesbian fetish. If she wanted to do another girl, she’d probably leave the man out of it. C) You might just be talking to the wrong women. D) It is all in the asking.

Man #2) Why are games part of most relationships?

Games are the things we play either for entertainment or to get our back’s. When people feel insecure about being abandoned or rejected, they will weave in and out of opening their heart in order to test the water and make sure they don’t get burned, again. ie, if you want to stop the games, approach everything with sincerity and try to ditch the bullshit at the door. The safer people feel, the less likely they will use games to protect their hearts from getting broken. Just don’t go breaking the heart after you eradicate the game. Then we are all back at square one.

Man #3) Why do women always go after men that don’t treat them well, and then when there is a guy that treats them well, they treat that guy like crap?

Hmmm…well, since I sat next to this guy and played wingwoman to help him pursue the hot blonde to my left, I will say this: nice guys with no game or confidence will get treated like crap because women like it when someone goes out of their way to snag their attention, for the guy to then be capable of holding it. This lovely sweet man asking the question will get walked on time and time again because he is too scared and insecure and has very weak conversation skills.

This leads me to part two of the answer: women go for men who treat them like shit because they have low self-esteem and don’t believe they deserve love. Others do it because they have low self-esteem and don’t believe they deserve love and because their Daddy’s treated them like shit so the discomfort is actually comforting, brings them home. They then treat nice guys like crap because either a) they don’t believe they deserve to be treated so nicely b) the nice guy’s lack of backbone is too obvious and the woman knows he won’t stand a chance against her dark side and c) many women like assertive men more than wet blankets. Unfortunately many assertive men are assholes and many wet blankets are nice guys. Ideal man: assertive, kind and confident.

Better question: Nice guy – why do you always seek out women who take you for granted and treat you like shit?

Ask Yenta an anonymous question! Send an e-mail via www.send-email.org to merissag[at]gmail[dot]com.

Merissa Nathan Gerson is a fan of

April 5, 2010 | 6:56 am

Jacked Up On Jealousy

Posted by Merissa Nathan Gerson

Dear Yenta,

My husband and I have been together almost 5 years. When we first met, my husband was embarrassed to admit he’d married his college sweetheart – a marriage that lasted about a year – so he described her as a girlfriend until his big, dark secret was exposed.
I was pissed, naturally, and forbade further contact with her. If he was unable to be honest about the complexity of their relationship then of course he lost his rights to pursuing any further relationship or communication with her. I’m sure she’s a nice enough lady – heck, she doesn’t even live in this country, but she needs to buy a
clue. She knows what happened, knows I’m uncomfortable with her attempts to communicate with him (including attempts within the past few weeks) yet continues to try to make this pair a threesome. No thank you. My husband has no ill will towards her and they share a number of mutual friends, but I don’t care. I come first and am allowed to be selfish about this one. He denies contact with her – which for the most part I believe, yet her subtle ways of trying to engage him in her life have become unbearable for me. She has even gone so far as to friend all of my husband’s siblings on Facebook – some of which were children during the time of their relationship. I know the harsh words of ENOUGH need to come from my husband, but if he’s unwilling say anything to keep the peace, well then what should I do? Is there the possibility that I’ve lost the battle on this win…should I hang my white flag high and let these two have their friendship, but he loses our marriage in the process?

-Down and Out

Dear Down and Out,

This situation has turned into a poorly directed spiral of jealousy, control and deception. When it comes to maintaining an honest relationship, it takes two. One person needs to be open enough for the other to want to share, and vice-versa. You say “I was pissed, naturally” but your anger sounds misdirected. You put it all on this other woman, turning your hurt into jealousy, rather than addressing the rift in honesty in your relationship. Jealousy does not foster this openness.

In the 2.2.04 Psychology Today article, “Advice, A Jealous Fiancée,” Hara Estroff Marano writes:

“A little jealousy is reassuring and may even be programmed into us. It’s very common. A lot of jealousy is scary, and has driven people to some very dangerous behavior. There’s no reason to believe that jealousy will improve with time or marriage … Because jealousy goes right to the core of the self and its roots are deep, it is not something that can be banished by wishful thinking.”

From all the angst in this question I have to wonder first about your own relationship with your husband. Ok, so he married a woman he said he dated. Is he still married to her? No. He left her, found you, and vowed he would be yours until he died. If you don’t trust that vow then you need to revisit your relationship.

You need to search yourself and your partnership for answers, rather than trying to control this woman’s need for reconnection. It sounds like that lie your husband told really hurt you and ruined some sense of security for your marriage. How about starting by addressing that? Click here for help.

It is one thing to be insecure while dating, but marriage is a whole other ball game. It is a partnership that takes sincere long-term investment. And unlike dating, this investment comes from deep within each spouse, rather than deflecting drama to outside parties. It sounds like rather than obsessing over this other woman, who may or may not be a threat, you should start by focusing on the things you can actually impact, which are the communication, honesty, and general feeling of love and safety in your present relationship.

For more help try: Love Busters: Protecting Your Marriage from Habits that Destroy Romantic Love, or His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage, both by Willard Harley of MarriageBuilders.com.

Couples counseling should come long before Facebook stalking. There are more complex questions to evaluate, like why did your husband feel embarrassed about that first wedding, and moreso, why in front of YOU, his supposed most intimate partner? Also, why won’t he close this woman out of his life? Is it possible that she is an important friend to both him and his family? And that, at the same exact time, so are you? Can’t a man have a woman friend and a wife without it being infidelity? After all, he left her and found you. And finally, let’s say he seeks more from her and is betraying you, you have to wonder why he looks in her direction not yours. Instead of hating her, you need a Cinderella-esque mirror on the wall to explain to you why you might not be, at present, with all this jealousy and controlling fearful behavior, the fairest of them all.

If it seems like I am picking on you, don’t get me wrong, it is only because you wrote in. It sounds like your husband deserves a real talking to and also has some major work to do.

Ask Yenta an anonymous question! Send an e-mail via www.send-email.org to merissag[at]gmail[dot]com.

Merissa Nathan Gerson is a fan of

April 2, 2010 | 6:51 am

Pacifying the Passive-Aggressive

Posted by Merissa Nathan Gerson

Courtesy of www.PassiveAggressiveNotes.com

Cher Yenta,

My roommate bugs the ever-loving SHIT out of me and I can’t quite
explain it. The way she shuffles around the house in her slippers,
the way she leaves notes everywhere, the way she shames the world for
not being as “green” as she claims to be…I’m starting to answer
my own question here, but I wager you have some deep intimate
insight.

Help.

Sincerely,

Killing Me Softly

Dear KMS,

I deeply empathize with you and your housing situation. Once upon a time I lived with 12 writers and artists. Sandwiched between two very poorly soundproofed rooms, I was woken up at multiple intervals in the night by each respective neighbor pleasuring their newly taken lover.

There are a million coping mechanisms when it comes to sound: ear plugs, a white noise machine, a humidifier, earphones, a fan. The list goes on. But coping mechanisms for passive aggressive environmentalists: that is tougher. See PassiveAggressiveNotes.com to know you are not alone.

One thing that helps when it comes to dealing with living with strangers is cultivating compassion. As cheesy as this sounds, I promise it helps. A lot of activists funnel their personal issues into the intricacies of their cause. So when she says “recycle” with a grimace, she might really be saying, “I had no control in my house growing up and was beaten with a belt so I am asserting my voice in my new Craigslist group home.”

Remember that your neighbor also suffers, and that this suffering is often the source of said irritating behavior. Also, some people never learned how to communicate directly. Showing a passive aggressive housemate that confrontation is acceptable, and does not have to be violent, might change things. After all, these annoying patterns often develop out of a childhood where expressing anger was never a safe option.

With my loud neighbors I worked on going inside myself. I made my room a near menagerie and found all the sound buffers I could. I also meditated in an attempt to really see why these people and their loud nature pissed me off so much. It often, I find, takes one to know one. Why, exactly, does her shuffling annoy you? Her passive aggressive nature, beyond the obvious? What in you is unsettled, and being brought up by living with a weirdo?

In that house of unstable artists I did end up moving rooms. In moving I learned that it is sometimes better to start anew than to learn from an itchy situation. In exiting I also realized how horrible my previous situation was, with the lack of privacy, respect, and personal head space. There is such thing as a roommate threshold, and depending on how sensitive you are, you may have just reached yours.

If you are living in a group house, remember that you always have the option to move, and in doing so, might find not only relief, but new and better horizons.

Ask Yenta an anonymous question! Send an e-mail via www.send-email.org to merissag[at]gmail[dot]com.

Merissa Nathan Gerson is a fan of

March 21, 2010 | 7:44 pm

When Your Lover Lacks

Posted by Merissa Nathan Gerson

She might look good, but oye, watch out for her teeth!

Dearest Yenta,

My girlfriend has an extremely taxing job, regularly working 14 hours
a day. She’s really bad at giving me accurate time estimates — she
tells me 8, I think no earlier than 10 — and we live together, so
this has a real effect on my life and our plans. She also has a
stronger need of privacy than I do, so she won’t always tell me about
her schedule, new elements of her job that might affect our life
together, etc. The combo of her absence and her hesitancy to share
details with me make me really paranoid and sensitive, and I wind up
getting angry at her in a pouty, non-productive way. When were
together I am happy as a clam, but when were apart and incommunicado,
I go into a spiral of bad feelings and mistrust. I’ve tried to get
her to do little things that I know would calm me down (texting,
less-hopeful time estimates) but she can’t seem to do them.
Basically I’m at my wits end. She’s said that her hours aren’t
permanent, and I have no doubt of our feelings for each other, but I
just can’t cope some days…

Sincerely,

In Need of New Strategy

Dear INONS,

You might not only need a new strategy, you might need a new girlfriend. The key to communication in any relationship is that both parties are involved. If you are reaching out and she is backing away, shirking her commitment to honesty, and generally ignoring your needs and requests than I can’t say I’ll fight for her right to have you. Especially since you sound kind, sincere and devoted, meaning you deserve an amazing woman with whom you feel safe and heard.

There are a few unknown factors that could mean she is worth keeping. How long have you been dating? Months? Years? Longer? If you have made a deep commitment over time, and this issue is suddenly coming up, then it is indicative of a need to sit down and see what is bubbling beneath the surface. Perhaps your “pouty” replies are yielding further deception. This could simply mean you need new relationship tools. Try
Communication Miracles for Couples: Easy and Effective Tools to Create More Love and Less Conflict by Jonathan Robinson.

If, however, this is a fairly new relationship or this has been going on for a very long time, chances are it is time to jump ship. Why? Because whenever you find yourself worrying about your relationship on a daily basis, or even weekly, something is wrong. Trust is something that is built between two people, and your girlfriend does not seem to value yours. If she did, she might try to accommodate your needs for clearer communication.

There is a difference between needing “privacy” and actively withholding information to drive your partner insane with unease. While you should, in theory, be able to accept your partner’s ways and still feel safe and loving towards her, these “ways” sound less a matter of character and more a matter of choice. Your lack of ability to “cope” some days may be reason enough to be brave, face yourself, and seek some therapeutic assistance in whatever form suits you. Choosing a relationship like this is reflective of deeper unmet needs and issues.

Tons of people have jealousy and trust issues, but a good and solid relationship should quell most of these fears. That happiness you feel in her company should carry over to the times without her. Balance between two people means that your weaknesses are different, so you can be strong for each other. If you have fears of abandonment and/or cheating, then you need a partner who you can be sure is being honest, forthright, and present so that your doubts never come up. As impossible as this sounds, it is feasible. For help with this try, Why Can’t You Read My Mind? Overcoming the 9 Toxic Thought Patterns that Get in the Way of a Loving Relationship by Jeffrey Bernstein and Susan Magee.

Generally we are taught socially to commit quickly, even if it isn’t right, and in this case it sounds like you might need to start going against the norm, get single, and find a woman who can really meet your needs so you don’t live in a constant state of anxiety. According to the Talmud, everyone has a beshert, someone they are meant to be with. I have faith in this idea, and believe that when you do find the right partner, a lot of this anxiety will melt away and loving will be the easy part.

Other things to help you on the path to good love:
Unplugging the Patriarchy by Lucia René
or
A Course in Love: A Self-Discovery Guide for Finding Your Soulmate by Joan M. Gattuso