September 24, 2010 | 10:00 am

Dog Licks Face During Sex

Posted by  Merissa Nathan Gerson

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Dear Yenta,

Can you train your dog to stop licking your face when you are having sex with your boyfriend?

-Slobbered

Dear S,

Hmmm…I imagine so. Is it polite to have sex in front of your dog? This is the real question I have. If dogs are as loyal as Mickey Rourke says, then shouldn’t doing your man in front of a puppy be like doing your man in front of your sister/brother/son/daughter/best friend? Isn’t this rude? Or is it a threesome? I know a dog is an animal, especially clear to those of you who enjoy domesticating them, but don’t forget the living breathing feeling being inside that body.

Who am I, though? A Yenta without a pet. For all I know dogs LOVE watching their “owners” have sex in front of them. So, if you don’t opt to close the door and leave your dog out of your sexual forays, then this is probably like anything else you train your dog to do. Just remember what you did to train your pup to sit, roll over, fetch, pee outside – it shouldn’t be too much different.

Or, as one woman suggests, “Try putting bacon between your toes.” That’s a solid use of traif if I have ever heard of one.

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September 2, 2010 | 9:50 pm

Addicted to A-Holes

Posted by  Merissa Nathan Gerson

Dear Yenta,

I just graduated college where I had some lovely boyfriends.
After these guys I thought I was over being treated badly by men.

Now, since I’ve graduated, I keep getting into these relationships with
guys that don’t treat well. I keep saying that I want a meaningful
relationship, but I put myself in situations with guys that are only
interested in sex, then end up hurt.

But, those are the only guys I meet!

How do you make meaningful relationships after college?

-Confused Post Grad

Dear CPG,

Honey, you absolutely do not have to date everyone you meet. Oye, just imagine. Meaningful relationships begin with the self. The difference between life in college and life after can be enormous. In college, for some, it is a safe cocoon where people can be trusted and support networks abound. When we feel safe, we tend to make safe choices because we choose out of something beyond need. In those cases, relationships are perks, not crutches.

After college, however, it is like being thrust from a womb. No more emotional umbilical chords, no more unlimited meal plans. Just think about the shit you are faced with: insurance, rent, jobs, strangers, an entire world as your oyster, feeding yourself, clothing yourself, and wandering the terrain of your own mind. That is heavy, and in college so many of those things were tied into a single package. Loans or no loans: getting needs met was a one-time shopping deal.

So, this leaves us at dating. This wild open new post-college world is a dating mecca, for some. But for others, this time outside of the cradle is torture. If life is at all hard, it could fuel your decisions. This means that you are choosing “the ones you meet,” even though they suck, as if having one is a necessity. If the pickings are slim, it is ok to stop harvesting the crop and wait for a better season.

If you are thirsty for sex, invest in a more extensive masturbatory regimen. Check out Toys in Babeland to cultivate a more exciting relationship with your own body to tide you over and keep you from your unhealthy dependence on bad men.

Choosing bad relationships is common, and related to clinging and cleaving to someone in fear and desperation. Ie, if alone, you might have to hear your thoughts, face your heart, deal with your vision of yourself/your career/your future. By seeking the eyes of another, you can easily defer this job to them. They get to love you when you don’t love you.

Too bad that system sucks. When you don’t love you, nine times out of ten, neither will they. Use this time to figure out what hurts that you are letting men walk on you. This bad string of men are simply teaching you about your heart and how to guard it for the knight in shining armor to come. For a gentle way to get to know yourself, your strengths and your demons try The Artist’s Way.

I suggest hunkering down with a good book and some hot cocoa, writing in a journal, making some solid girlfriends and waiting this low season out. Work on your life and loving yourself; this is how meaningful relationships emerge. The ones you meet don’t mean they are the ones you are meant to be with. They are just there, and so are you, too precious to shell out your heart to whichever bozo happens to be waiting on your corner. When you do find a meaningful relationship it will be easy and fueled by mutual admiration, not desperation.

For more dating help, try reading If the Buddha Dated by Charlotte Kasl.

Also, re-read: Top 10 Ways to Meet Singles on how to meet better single friends, and, eventually, a better circle of men.

Ask Yenta an anonymous question!  Send an e-mail via www.send-email.org to merissag[at]gmail[dot]com.

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August 30, 2010 | 9:52 pm

TV Addict

Posted by  Merissa Nathan Gerson

Yenta,

I think I watch too much TV. This past month, I started watching an Australian rodeo soap opera from the eighties with alarming regularity (3-4 hours a day, give or take). It has reached the point that I occasionally lapse into an Australian accent in my mind and think of the main characters as close friends. I know I should be doing something more productive, but I lack self-control when it comes to remotes. It’s cold out and I’m not the only American planted in front of the tellie for long hours, but with seven more seasons to go, I’m a little worried for my sanity. How much television is too much? Should I pull the plug?

Sincerely,

Sweet Couch Potato

Dear Sweet Couch Potato,

When I taught creative writing to juvenile delinquents, everyone wanted to go outside and smoke during our break. Seeing that my students ranged in age from 12-18, it was highly unlikely that I would ever let them out. Instead, we played a little breathing game. I had everyone who was aching to smoke raise their hand. “How bad do you want it?” I would ask. “So bad” they would answer.

Then, we all sat and breathed for maybe three minutes. They surprisingly loved this, silent breathing. I told them to just listen to their breath, in and out, in and out. Five minutes later I asked of they still wanted to smoke and no one raised their hand. My point? Addictions seem like necessities until the moment passes and we forget what we wanted to begin with.

I.e., when Mondays come I ache for The Bachelor and sit there for two whole hours numbing out to some sadistic dating nosedives. It feels like I can’t live without it, but in truth, what would I do for those two hours without the TV? You know the answer. I would read a book, write a book, make art, exercise, cry…any number of things far more productive than sitting and watching these women crush themselves for a vapid aviator.

Too much TV is when a) you can’t control how much you watch b) when it is keeping you from doing the things you need to do c) it is used to avoid dealing with your own feelings. Remember, though, TV is not wholly the devil. There are merits here. It can be a source of mental relief, a source of connection (think Millionaire Matchmaker), and a source of education. But when the TV prevents you from facing your feelings or doing your work, then its time to shut that bad boy down. You know if this relationship has gone too far.

Pulling the plug seems impossible, but I promise, like my teenaged badass students, you will be surprised by how little you miss your crutch when it is gone.

Living without a television is empowering and permits opportunities to find deeper parts of yourself. Pull the plug! All in all a happy Hulu medium is great. Online television is the best because unlike a TV, accessing it is a bit more involved, which means you need to be more conscious about turning it on. Limit yourself to one show a day or week, if possible. Then, watching Gossip Girl or Aussie trash or Extreme Paranormal will feel like icing on your day’s cake. Some of us need TV, in moderation, to give our brains a rest from introspection.

Take the TV Addiction Quiz from TrashYourTV.com: Your Complete Guide to a TV-Free Lifestyle.

Also check out Kill Your Television, especially the Television Addiction Identification and Self-Help Guide.

One more: The Center for Screen Time Awareness at www.TVTurnOff.org.

Ask Yenta an anonymous question!  Send an e-mail via www.send-email.org to merissag[at]gmail[dot]com.

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August 26, 2010 | 9:47 pm

Ah! Mom, Don’t Get Plastic Surgery!

Posted by  Merissa Nathan Gerson

Dearest Yenta,

I was at my parent’s house looking for a book and came upon a surgical plan for facial plastic surgery for my mother. I’m not sure if she ever went through with it — they did a damn good job because I can’t tell. But I feel sad for her (I think she is beautiful naturally), angry (this is something that she should have at least run by her kids), and ashamed (I think cosmetic surgery is superficial). Should I just suck it up and not say anything? Or do I ask her about it?

Sincerely,

Aghast

Dear A,

What we think we know of our parents is generally the tip of an iceberg. This is a scary/nauseating realization: that we may not even know our own guardians. In this situation, the plastic surgery is first and foremost, your mother’s business. It is her face, her youth complex, her body afterall. I don’t know that she has any obligation to run the prospect of realigning her face by her children.

Ideally, yes, it would be nice to be informed if someone we love takes a knife to their affect. I used to cry hysterically when my father just shaved his beard: the shift in a face I knew terrified me. Your sadness is totally understandable. But remember, plastic surgery can mean a million things. It can indicate self-hatred, yes, but it can also be done for complex health reasons. Example: I know a woman whose eyes were drooping with age. Eventually her own eyelids were blocking her vision, so she had her eyes done. Click here for more on reasons for plastic surgery.

A pamphlet, is also, just a pamphlet. If you feel so close to your mother that you think she should share this information with you, why not approach her about it? “Mom, I found this. Is it yours?” But approach, if possible, without judgment or desire to change your mother. Ask her about her motives, try to understand where she is coming from before attempting to change or shun her decision. Some of her adult issues are hers and cannot be changed and altered.

The best you can do is say “I love you! I think you are gorgeous just as you are!” Maybe she will hear you, maybe not. Ultimately, your blanket view of plastic surgery as superficial will prevent you from hearing, seeing, or understanding your mom’s motives. Even though you like her the way she is, she might not like her, which can be an intense thing to learn about your parent. Work to just listen to her.

Just like you want to be seen as an autonomous adult without a judgmental eye, so do your parents. You never know what kind of skeletons people have in their closets, so be gentle as you approach her not as a baby, but as a mommy with a real history.

Maybe ask how she would feel if you wanted to do the same, it might, at the very least, push her to probe her moral assessment of the surgery. Show the video of Heidi Montag’s mother’s reaction to her daughter’s facial rearrangement for fodder.

Ask Yenta an anonymous question!  Send an e-mail via www.send-email.org to merissag[at]gmail[dot]com.

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August 23, 2010 | 9:44 pm

Finding Lube in the Kitchen

Posted by  Merissa Nathan Gerson

Dear Yenta,

Even when I’m so turned on I’m begging for it, I’m still practically parched between my legs so sex can be uncomfortable. The thought of putting some synthetic product like KY jelly in my body makes me cringe. I try to stick to organics but really want sex to be more fun/comfortable/lubricated. Is there anything I can do naturally to give my sex life more glide?

Sincerely,

Dry As a Riverbed in the Grand Canyon

Dear DAARITGC,

Woohoo, there are many solutions to your problem! For one, start by drinking up. One way to replenish natural lube is to drink your 8 cups of water daily, if not twice that and/or lots of herbal tea. Maybe cut things like coffee, diet coke, etc out of your diet. These diaretics can squelch your liquid supply.

Also try taking a spoonful of oil in the morning. Literally ingesting oil, ie, a spoon of soybean, canola, olive or soybean oil can help. That, and ladies remember your kegels. Flexing the muscles and walls of the vagina can help produce more sexual fluid.

Next, check in with a doctor to be sure there isn’t anything fishy going on below. If you haven’t gone through menopause, then you should be pumping lube pretty easily. Also, one more preliminary trick: have your partner put a finger inside of you to draw out your fluids. Sometimes when you secrete during sex it doesn’t reach the outer lips, bring it forward. For those still working towards their first orgasm: this increases the pleasure involved in clitoral stimulation tenfold.

As for natural lube from outside sources, there are many options. Beware of a few things from the get go. (Click here for more on food in bed.)

1) NEVER USE OIL BASED LUBE WITH A CONDOM
Oil-based lubricants will basically rot your condom and get you unprotected in seconds. This means NO Vaseline, etc. Things that seem smart, but will kill the condom and get you sick or preggers.
2) Don’t use anything you or your partner is allergic to. Ie, if mayonnaise causes a rash, don’t go using it. Same goes for peanut oil and a peanut allergy. Be rational.
3) Avoid sugar-based substances. Sugar left in the vag will cause a yeast infection. No dice.

Natural Lube Options

Safe With a Latex Condom:

Yes Organic Natural Lubricant
FireFly Organics Lube with Shea Butter and Cocoa Butter
Sliquid Organics
Aloe-9
Saliva
Water
Egg Whites

Safe (But NOT Safe w/ a Latex Condom)

Olive Oil
Peanut Oil
Corn Oil
Sunflower Oil
Vegetable or Mineral Oil
Avocado Oil
Whipping Cream
Butter
Crisco

Beware, if applicable: there is no spermicide in natural lubricant.

Also, a note on the lubes we used…

According to Emma Pezzack in “How to Green Up Your Sex Life: Organic Personal Lubricant,”

“Most [standard lubricant] ingredients are various forms of petrochemicals such as propylene glycol (often used in car batteries as anti-freeze), synthetic preservatives (such as the family of parabens, which have been found in cancerous breast tissue and are known endocrine disruptors encouraging an over-abundance of estrogen), glycerine (which not only is drying over time causing skin to potentially become even more absorbent to harmful ingredients, but it’s also a sugar, therefore can feed candida, or thrush, bacteria), and sodium hydroxide (which is very harsh and irritating to skin).”

This means that potentially, the lube some of you use is ironically slowly killing your sexual organs. (Or something like that…)

Go organic, egg whites could be fun!

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August 19, 2010 | 9:40 pm

Med School Vs. Art School

Posted by  Merissa Nathan Gerson

Dear Yenta,

I’ve had seven internships over the course of eight years because I’m afraid of job commitment, and haven’t found anything that excites me. I finally chose a career path to become a physician because I wanted to make a difference.

Although I got accepted and will get a free ride, I’m not excited and am confused. I view myself as more of an artist than an intellect, and want to pursue my art, although I want to help others and know I am good with people. What should I do?

-Lost in Med School

Dear LIMS,

Have you really not found anything that excites you? Or is it more a matter of not allowing yourself to do the things that turn you on? Honestly, honey, eight years is long enough to spend avoiding your dreams. Art school beckons your name.

Why on earth would you go to med school if it does not excite you? You want to do good in the world and help others, so do good and help others. This is not limited to physically saving lives in an ER, it extends to every moment of every day. You can do good to others by helping a friend, by lifting someone’s heavy load, by doing Tong Len meditation, by doing yoga, by volunteering your time.

And…you can help others by doing art. As Pipilotti Rist, my personal favorite artist said in “The World’s Most Colorful Video Artist,” a New York Times Magazine article: “The whole question of how to put art into regular life is what interests me the most. I treat art as a service. I think of myself as a service worker.”

Artists are healers. They speak to the unspeakable and allow for the repressed undercurrents of society to breathe and be spoken for. Without the artistic so many humans might shut down. Just think about how music, fashion, film and words affect your daily life. Shame on you for presuming art to be a selfish path, it is the ultimate act of giving and serving – of making a real difference.

Ah, and “selfish” is a myth. In seventh grade my girlfriends and I used to use “you are so selfish” as the ultimate insult. Later, after college, it was shown to me that selfish is selfless. What does this mean? By actually facing and addressing yourself, from your darkest corners and demons to the best and most beautiful parts of you, you are serving your community, your family and those you touch with your work.

By repressing your dreams and living an empty life, you are dragging people down with you. Lift yourself, and those you love, by actually addressing your heart and your spirit. If you need help, so be it. Find a life coach or career coach or therapist; or, sit down and force the good out of you. If you really can’t, you might have some internal dragons to slay. Brave moments of truth are never regretted in time, only those decisions guided by fear and doubt.

A lot of people feel worthless unless they can outwardly be seen as a do-gooder. Learn to love yourself on your own because you will die. I promise. And so, before that death, why not bother beginning to live? This means really sitting and remembering what feels good and attempting to build it into your life. And be patient, it might take a hot minute to manifest. But I guarantee, when you are true to what makes your heart thump and your eyes widen, it always comes to you in ways you least expect it.

A numb doctor saving lives who can’t see herself is no good to nobody. She’ll trip and fall. Save yourself, baby doll, and then save the world. Give that full ride to someone who dreams of being a doctor and can’t afford it, someone who will love their job and bring that love and glow to their patients. Last thing you want to end up as is a fifty year-old doctor resenting her daily life. Going to art school could mean you become the doctor to the social subconscious.

Other artists that use their talent for the greater good:

Jenny Holzer, Installation Artist
Guillermo Gomez-Pena and Roberto Sifuentes, Performance Poets
Davis Guggenheim, Filmmaker
Joshua Cogan, Photographer
Kara Walker, Visual Artist
Guerrilla Girls, All of the Above

Add every other person who dared to depict their interior, the interior of another, or the gruesome many sides to issues the rest of us are to afraid to venture near. For you to become this amazing artist that you are, step one is unlocking your own pent up inner world.

Ask Yenta an anonymous question!  Send an e-mail via www.send-email.org to merissag[at]gmail[dot]com.

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August 16, 2010 | 9:38 pm

She Says She’s Too Fat For Love

Posted by  Merissa Nathan Gerson

Dear Yenta,

Every time I want to have sex with my boyfriend, the second he touches me, I feel terrified that he’ll touch my stomach. I am so scared that he’ll think that I’m too fat to love and he’ll change his mind and just leave me there, naked and alone.

He says that he loves me just the way that I am, and would love me no matter what, but I can’t escape the voices in my head telling me that he’s delusional and it’s only a matter of time until he sees me from a certain angle and it will be all over. Generally, people think that I’m pretty skinny.

I know that there are people out there that feel bad about themselves, but I just feel lost and alone. I know that deep down inside I’m just not pretty enough, and if I was skinnier my life would be better.

Signed,

Fat Head

Dear FH,

Chances are, if he says he loves your body, he loves your body. It isn’t, however, him or his love for you that I am worried about. My guess is that this has very little to do with fat and very little to do with your actual boyfriend, at least not in the obvious ways. There are a number of issues here, mainly revolving around a) your actual stomach and b) your body image, and they all fall on you to solve.

I am no doctor, but I like solving puzzles. With this, I want to start with the choice that your stomach is your feared location. In certain Acupuncture modalities the stomach region often relates to issues with power. If you fear your boyfriend’s rejection of your belly, could it also relate to issues with accepting your own powerful nature? Or, could you fear your femininity, pointing to your uterus more than your stomach?

You can play that game too, it is called, “name that subconscious cause” and often, once discovered, relieves a great deal of suffering. This is a fun game to play with a psychotherapist.

Then, the body image question. What does your size have to do with how loved you are? Unless, of course, you are severely overweight and using weight to hurt yourself and harm your health; but this sounds like something else. Body image issues to this degree are not acceptable, however normal they are. They need to be addressed and evaluated, overcome and discarded. We tend to project our fears and issues onto our bodies, rather than coping with them separately.

You need help. Not in a harsh or judgmental way, but in a “I want you to be happy and love your body and boyfriend and sex life kind of way.” There is something beneath the surface provoking your fears. It could be as simple as someone called you fat in 5th grade and you never forgot it, or as complex as being sexually abused as a child. These issues, however seemingly large or small, need to be addressed with a trained professional who can help guide you towards self-acceptance rather than starvation.

Another option, try Emily Stern’s Food Body Connection. A former fat activist turned health food fanatic and community educator, she uses the exploration of eating habits and mindsets about the body to probe larger life themes. She offers a free consultation and then a 6 session phone package that includes bi-weekly checking in. A lot of people seek this kind of directed support without a long term commitment and she comes highly recommended.

Other things to do on your own? Get educated on The Fat Acceptance Movement. You can find information on the National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance website, or by reading this Time Magazine article. Also check out AdiPositivity.com, recommended by Bitch Magazine.

You might just need a support group for learning how to love those handles. Take The Full Body Project’s lead.

Also: try reading: The Body Project: An Intimate History of American Girls to look at how society may have shaped your self-hatred.

Think it could be more than disordered eating, but an actual eating disorder? Go to NationalEatingDisorders.org.

Think your partner has body issues? Discuss this post with them and offer these many resources as real viable options.

Ask Yenta an anonymous question!  Send an e-mail via www.send-email.org to merissag[at]gmail[dot]com.

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August 12, 2010 | 9:36 pm

Converting to Marry Her

Posted by  Merissa Nathan Gerson

Dear Yenta,

I am a 26 year-old WASP lesbian in love and committed to my loving partner who is Sicilian and Jewish. We have been together for a year and a half and we are raising her 2 children together. Suddenly, just before setting foot into synagogue, I had this feeling that becoming a Jew would be a path that I would embark upon. After being raised Protestant and hating organized religion in general, establishing a relationship with a higher power and participating in a religious ceremonies strangely seems to be what is right for me right now.

The congregation in our small town is progressive and many members are converts to Judaism. My issue is: we’re getting married in four months and we would like a Jewish ceremony. I inquired with a few senior members of the congregation and they put me in contact with the person in charge of classes that converted Jews take. The teacher said that the classes had already begun and unless I knew Hebrew, I couldn’t join until the next go around well into the future. He also mentioned that the process generally takes a year to a year and a half. This scared me, I didn’t know I had to learn that much Hebrew and that the process would take so long. I reported back to the senior members, they scoffed at such requirements. They encouraged me to spend time with the people of the congregation to make sure this is something I truly want. They also assured me that learning a few cardinal prayers and basic Jewish terms and customs would be sufficient in allowing me to be a Jew.

My problem is, I am truly and sincerely interested in becoming a Jew and raising our children in a Jewish household, but I would really like to be considered a Jewish at our wedding 4 months from now. Where do I go from here? From what I have learned, Jewish ceremonies can most certainly exist without the presence of a rabbi. Should we roll on our own? My instinct is to continue with how I see fit and absorb what I can about Judaism until the wedding and I’ll know that although my journey has just begun, I can get married as a Jew and continue blossoming long after the wedding has ended. What do you think oh wise Yenta?

-Jonesing to Be a Jew

Dear JTBAJ,

One thing I don’t understand is, why the rush? If you want to be married Jewish and it is that important to both of you, why not wait and do the conversion full throttle? Then, at least, you can enjoy learning and transmuting your religiosity. That, and becoming Jewish isn’t about, as you pout it, “right now.” Joining a tribe, unless you scorn your wife, is a forever kind of deal.

Those scant requirements from that synagogue are nothing compared to a childhood of Hebrew School, Shabbat dinners, services, funerals, weddings and Bar Mitzvahs. What does it mean to you “To be a Jew?” And who decides, how and when? Does it matter if this congregation thinks you are Jewish at your Jewish wedding? This is an enormous undertaking, which you sound like you want to be a walk in the park.

I am of two minds when it comes to your question: the defensive Jewish mind, and the objective Jewish intellectual mind.

A 26 year-old Jewish woman is not born overnight. Your partner, myself, and other Jews in America have built an identity through familial influence AND endured the identity marker, culture and history of being Jewish for way longer than four months. That being said, you might need to be more patient. A lifetime of lessons cannot be filtered quickly into the mind of someone new to the religion. To be a Jewish American is no simple feat. It is a commitment, a beautiful multi-faceted often-tormented spiritual or non-spiritual convoluted implications-laden identity that should be approached slowly, cautiously, and if so driven, with intense conviction.

I asked an elder of mine, a Jewish Holocaust survivor, what she thought about your question. She couldn’t understand my defense, and said that Judaism is a cultural identity grounded in a lifetime of learning about Torah. She said if you want to align yourself culturally as a Jew and then embark on the spiritual learning that will carry you from now all the way to your grave, then why not call you Jewish right now.

I say marry that woman as yourself, and worry about being a Jew when and if the shoe suddenly fits. Ask yourself again the why, how, who and what of your decision to cross this religious divide. If you feel it fits now, and that you are Jewish, then start now.

If someone were converting to marry me, I think I would want them to be themselves at the altar, and with time and hard work, move towards an identity shift. Think about how long a sex change takes.

Maybe marry as “WASP lesbian” and evolve slowly into this religious shift. Take your cues from the biblical, and look at 40 days, 40 months, or 40 years as numerical markers of your Judeo-evolution. Also, look into creative Jewish ceremonies. Of the six weddings I attended this year, ALL were somewhat Jewish. One was a Jewish bride and a non-denominational minister, the next was intensely mystical and orthodox. After that a rabbi married a Jew to a non-Jew, and another was split between a spiritual Christian priestess and a rabbi as the conductors of ceremony.

Calling yourself a “WASP” isn’t the most positive self-defining moment. Don’t lose who you are in this new religious awakening. You might resent it later. See if you can walk the Jewish cakewalk while still remembering and respecting your own real and viable roots.

For more, try JewishConversion.com.

Ask Yenta an anonymous question!  Send an e-mail via www.send-email.org to merissag[at]gmail[dot]com.

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