March 31, 2011 | 2:01 pm

Haunted By Ex - In Bed

Posted by  Merissa Nathan Gerson

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Dear Yenta,

When I have sex, I think about my ex-husband. My new lover is amazing, wonderfully caring, and very talented in bed (which my ex-husband lacked), but every time we are intimate, I see my ex-husband’s face.  I’ve come so close to calling out his name but caught myself every time. I am very upfront and honest with my new lover, but this is one thing I just don’t think he would understand. I miss my ex, I won’t lie, but at the same time, I am much happier without him. How do I get him out of my bedroom?!

-Mentally Cheating

Dear MC,

There are two things that you can do.  One: Leave this man and mend your heart, do the work to get over your ex, and then resume dating him or someone else.  Two.  Deal with it within the relationship.

Thinking about your ex-husband is normal, especially if you were with him for a long time and that time included having sex with him.  But thinking about your ex while in bed with the new guy, that’s another story.  It indicates an inability to be present with the man in front of you, replacing his face with the face of another.

You can look at this as an opportunity to learn.  When your husband’s face or memory comes to mind, stop for a minute, look around, and check in with yourself.  What, exactly, are you longing for that you are not experiencing then and there?  Could there be a lack of intimacy and trust with this new man, making you long for the old?

Also, is this new dude up to par?  This regression into old memories could be a sign that the new lover is not good enough for you.  After a bad or ended relationship we often choose sub-par lovers in fear of never loving again.  Set your standards high enough and follow suit.

Either leave him, or nurture the relationship with the lover.  If, though, he is just a “lover” then who cares?  Maybe he is just a filler for the old, in which case this haunting is a sign from deep inside of you reminding you that you haven’t let go of yesterday.  Choose.  Then or now, and if now is the choice, then work hard at making your present reality and your present relationship one that sates you.  Build the trust, expose the edges, and begin again.

My guess though, is that you need to dump the lover and cry by a river somewhere or something to purge the ex from your body.  Do what it takes to address and mend the hurt parts so you can love and trust again, ie, be present and satisfied with the man in front of you.
For help read these simple steps for Recovering From A Failed Relationship.

Ask Yenta!  E-mail a question to merissag[at]gmail[dot]com directly, or using www.send-email.org to ask anonymously.

Ask Your Yenta

March 29, 2011 | 1:56 pm

Writer’s Block Psychosis

Posted by  Merissa Nathan Gerson

Dear Yenta,

I have lost the ability to write. An initial, hiccupy writer’s block that originated with a piece of assessment I disliked has grown into an all-encompassing loss of words. I get my housemate to dictate birthday cards to relatives because I cannot be sure I’ll say the right thing, and have become lax in replying to emails because the construction of even a simple response is onerous. The only thing I can write is lists, on post-it notes, of all the essays I have to complete. I feel paralyzed, and rather ashamed. It’s only words, after all: how difficult can it be to arrange them into coherent sentences?

This issue is all the more painful because it isn’t new, but rather is something that I thought I’d overcome. I’ve had a rather chequered university career: my transcript alternates between blocks of High Distinctions and Failure: Non-Completions. I was expelled from university for a period of a eighteen months for failure to maintain sufficient academic progress, primarily because I’d failed to hand in essays. This year, I started off very well, handing in essays on time and getting brilliant marks. I’d thought I was fixed. However, here I am again, faced with the voiceless fear when faced with a blank page.

Mute

P.S. This email took me two hours to write, and I don’t like it very much.

Dear Mute,

What you call writer’s block, I call a need for a lasso.  Simple.  Writer’s block has a million causes.  Your particular brand seems to stem from inner voices out of control.  Yes.  You have some internal critic that is on fire and preventing you from expressing yourself.

This is when every move, every thought, every utterance is stuffed back inside out of fear or shame.  If you think you will f up, a piece of you might be chanting, “you will f up.  You will f up.”  That voice’s job is to paralyze your creative expression.

Why the nasty inner mantra?  Only you know.  Be honest.  Stop calling this “writer’s block” and look at it as what it really is, an indulgence of the negative and cruel voices inside of you.  Help yourself.  Get those voices under control and start really living your creative life.

My personal favorite: meditation.  Why?  Because it is gentle, it is self-taught, and in doing it you find a community, depending on how you tackle stillness.  All it does is make you aware of the constant inner monologue in your head, and slowly, through focusing on the breath, teaches you to live without it.  Shambhala centers nationwide offer free meditation instructors who can help guide you through your mind until it is ready to quiet down.

Other things that help?  Stopping the voices before they start with excessive positive affirmations.  “I am smart.  I can write.  I write. Write. Write.  Written.” Try Tara Brach, Ph.D.’s Radical Acceptance for help.  Other ideas: see a cognitive behavioral therapist and explain you need to undo the stifling voices that cut off your writer’s blood flow.  Do whatever you need to uninvite the negative from your daily mental repertoire.

There are a million other ways to cultivate the positive.  Break your normal routine, touch nature whenever possible, exercise more, poison your body less, etc. etc.  You, however, sound like you have some more specific hard work ahead of you, acquainting yourself with your mind so you can do some solid summer cleansing of unneeded mental energy.

To write is a simple act of expression.  We complicate it with pressures and cruelties all our own.  If you don’t trust your voice, or don’t believe in that which you want to express, it is nearly impossible to let it loose.  Mean voices are an addiction.  Get clean.  Stop leaning on the negative and write your manifesta!

Ask Yenta!  E-mail a question to merissag[at]gmail[dot]com directly, or using www.send-email.org to ask anonymously.

Ask Your Yenta

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March 20, 2011 | 3:00 am

Caring for Cancer Caregivers

Posted by  Merissa Nathan Gerson

Dear Yenta,

This past year 3 friends I love lost their moms to cancer. In the middle of all the chaos I didn’t want to intrude or get in the way. I offered my full support but it never felt like enough to me. They were at chemo appointments & hospitals and I wish I could have been so much more helpful! There is a history of 6 different cancers in my own family, so this isn’t the first time I’ve watched people go through this and I want to offer more to those I love. So what do you give a caregiver who gives of themselves completely but doesn’t know what to ask for or how to ask for help themselves?

-Looking in from the outside

Dear LIFTO,

I went to a hipster meditation session once that seemed trivial until the leader asked everyone who had lost someone this year, or who knew someone who lost someone this year, to please raise their hand.  I would say 98% of the hands in that room went up, and the 2% were probably not paying attention.

Death is par for the human course, and is something everyone is dealing with, all the time.  Some, however, are doing so in excruciating, hands-on ways, and others more from a distance.  What do we do to help those braving the frontlines of mortality and illness?  We start with ourselves.  There is nothing more incredible than a friend with poise, calm and the ability to give, who arrives at a traumatic scene, a hospital, a chemo bedside, a funeral or a wake.

Humans are full of fear.  The fearless are the ones that comfort the needy without question.  We need to cultivate our own fearlessness so that when a friend calls us panicked, or a family member falls ill (G-d-forbid), or we bear witness to the horrible, our fearlessness somehow, through loving action, becomes contagious.  This is done through self-care, through facing our dark sides, through working on our own stillness so we may offer the same to others.

It is a balancing system.  The fearless care for those in need until depleted, then someone swoops in, someone like you, and holds the caretaker in their arms until a virtual rebooting takes place and they can continue the job of caring for the sick.  What you give a caregiver is a presence that says, “this is your time.”  For more ideas see:  How Do I Support Them Through Chemotherapy?

There are also admirable projects like “Care Chronicles,” a symptom management workbook for caregivers and patients.  Coined by a woman named Sarah Banks in memory and honor of her mother, this cancer management workbook is meant to help ease the difficulties of both the caregiver and patient.

“Caregiving for my mom,” writes Ms. Banks,  “was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life…  I’ve created this workbook, because I don’t want anyone else to have to go through what my family has gone through. I had an idea. A way to make my mom’s life a little easier. A way to feel a little more in control. Because after the chemo would make her sick, or when she’d fall out of bed at night, or we’d stay up till 4am at the ER, or she was so dehydrated she couldn’t pronounce a word…I had never before felt so helpless and out of control. I don’t want that for others.”

To support Sarah Banks’ campaign, click here.  She is raising money to self-publish packets to distribute to hospitals and doctors’ offices to offer answers to your precise question.  One thing you can do for your friends and family members as they go through this:  make a pledge to a cause like this one in their name, and tell them you just made a step towards easing the suffering of others.

For more information and help, check out:  Everyone’s Guid to Cancer Supportive Care: A Comprehensive Handbook fort Patients and Their Families by Ernest and Isadora Rosenbaum.

Ask Yenta!  E-mail a question to merissag[at]gmail[dot]com directly, or using www.send-email.org to ask anonymously.

Ask Your Yenta

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March 16, 2011 | 12:47 am

7 Jews for Japan Relief

Posted by  Merissa Nathan Gerson

By Popular Demand…

As if giving weren’t enough in and of itself, here are seven more who are giving vocally on behalf of the Jewish people.
FYI: When you do good, you do good, on behalf of the Jews or anonymously.  As long as your aid is helping those needing relief, I am not concerned with the denomination of the avenue.

1) Jewish Coalition for Disaster Relief
Click on the link above to donate online.

2) The Jewish Federation
Click on the link above to donate online now.
To donate by check, please make the check out to The Jewish Federations of North America and clearly mark JFNA Japan, Hawaii and the Pacific Relief Fund on the bottom of the check. The check should be sent to:
The Jewish Federations of North America
Wall Street Station
PO Box 148
New York, NY 10268

3) American Jewish Joint Distribution Committee
Click on the link above to donate online now.
You may give by mail or phone:
Check payable to JDC, please specify the program name
Attn: JDC
P.O. Box 530
132 East 43rd Street
New York, NY 10017
(212) 687-6200

4) The Jewish Community in Japan
Read this article Japan’s Jews Pitch on Disaster

5) IsraAID - The Israel Forum for International Humanitarian Aid
They sent a team of Israeli relief workers who are in Japan now.  Read more here..

6) Chabad.org
Read how Chabad and others are helping in Japan. 
" target="_blank">“Japanese Jewish Community Launches Sendai Relief Effort”
" target="_blank">“Japan disaster and Itamar killings put Jewish giving on the spot.”

7) World Jewish Relief
Click on the link above to learn how to give to the WJR’s relief efforts.

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March 14, 2011 | 3:40 am

10 Ways To Help Japan

Posted by  Merissa Nathan Gerson

Here is a list of 10 organizations and causes working to bring relief to Japan.  Give to one, give to all.
Do what you can, hug a friend, donate a billion - whatever it is, I believe it will help.

1) Searching For Loved Ones

For any who have loved ones abroad, Google has stepped up to help. Along with a tsunami alert posted on its front page, Google has launched the Person Finder: 2011 Japan Earthquake to help connect people that may have been displaced due to the disaster. Google has also launched a crisis response page filled with local resources and emergency information.
Inquiries concerning U.S. citizens living or traveling in Japan should be referred to the U.S. Department of State, Office of Overseas Citizens Services at 1-888-407-4747 or 202 647-5225.

2) The American Red Cross

The Red Cross has already launched efforts in Japan. Visit Redcross.org or text REDCROSS to 90999 to donate $10 from your phone.
On those rare occasions when donations exceed American Red Cross expenses for a specific disaster, contributions are used to prepare for and serve victims of other disasters.

3) Save The Children

Save the Children has also responded.
The organization is currently organizing efforts and donations to its Children’s Emergency Fund will support outreach.

4) International Medical Corps

To donate or learn about other ways you can contribute to its medical response, visit Internationalmedicalcorps.org. Also, text MED to 80888 from any mobile phone to give $10.

5) GlobalGiving.org

The Japan Earthquake and Tsunami Relief Fund was launched at GlobalGiving.org to garner funds that will be given to a variety of relief organizations helping victims of the earthquake. It has already raised over $100,000, particularly from concerned Twitter users around the world.

6) Salvation Army

Salvation Army personnel are organizing efforts in Tokyo and will soon send a team to help the severely damaged city of Sendai, Japan.
To contribute to earthquake relief, text ‘JAPAN’ or ‘QUAKE’ to 80888 to make a $10 donation or visit SalvationArmyUSA.org designate gift for “Japan Earthquake/Tsunami”
.
By phone: 1-800-SAL-ARMY - designate gift for “Japan Earthquake/Tsunami”

Or by mail: send your check marked “Japan Earthquake/Tsunami” to The Salvation Army World Service Office, International Relief Fund, PO Box 630728, Baltimore, MD 21263-0728
At this time, The Salvation Army is not accepting in-kind donations from the general public disaster relief operations in Japan as it is extremely difficult and expensive to ship in-kind donations overseas from the United States to Japan. The best way for U.S. donors to help Japanese disaster survivors is to make a cash donation.

7) Doctors Without Borders

Doctors Without Borders/Médecins Sans Frontières (MSF) is sending two three-person teams to the Iwate and Miyagi prefectures in Japan.
To learn more about the organization’s efforts or make a donation, visit Doctorswithoutborders.org.

8) Operation USA

Along with an appeal for monetary donations, Operation USA has also announced efforts to collect bulk corporate donations of health care supplies. If you are interested in donating bulk medical items, visit OpUSA.org.

9) PayPal

Judy Chang, head of PayPal’s nonprofit group, announced that transactional fees incurred by money transfers to US 501(c)(3) organizations (or charities registered with the Canada Revenue Agency) between March 11 and April 10 will aid relief efforts in Japan.

10) AmeriCares, ShelterBox and MercyCorps

Other relief organizations are also sending representatives to disaster sites, including AmeriCares and Shelterbox.
MercyCorps is gathering donations for its overseas partner, Peace Winds Japan, which currently has personnel on the ground distributing emergency relief in Japan.

For more information on how you can help visit Japan earthquake relief: How you can help.

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March 10, 2011 | 2:19 pm

Lesbian Life Ain’t Always Easy

Posted by  Merissa Nathan Gerson

Dear Yenta,

I’ve been in a relationship with someone who has been reckless with my heart.  I am in my first lesbian relationship. We began dating shortly after she was broken up with by her ex-gf.

After a few weeks of dating me, she dumped me for her ex then a week later asked me to be her gf again. I was really hurt but still had strong feelings and we got back together.  Should I stick it out knowing that she could possibly get back with the ex again?

Sincerely,

Woman Burn

Dear WB,

What I read when you say someone has been reckless with your heart, is that you opened your heart to the reckless.  I spent many a year as a Women’s Studies major, and then many years to follow attempting to ditch the victim/oppressor mentality.  We choose our lives, and shape them accordingly.  This woman is abusing you because she can, because you said she could.

In this case, there are a number of things you can learn from this new relationship so as to guard your heart from suffering in the future.  For one, be aware of your emerging self.  If you are newly out, or newly consummating your gayness, this might leave you vulnerable to wicked edges.  If the women you are dating in this first phase aren’t solid, caring and together, you might be more susceptible to recklessness.

It is not easy, those first weeks, months or years of an emerging identity in a society that still debates the legitimacy of lesbianism to begin with.  There are a long list of issues that come to the surface ranging from homophobia to questions of scripts and behavioral norms.  Do you have a community supporting you?  Are you using this woman as your support network?  That could be disastrous, and also explain why you would put up with this type of cruel flip-flopping behavior.

One book that comes highly recommended is How To Be A Happy Lesbian: A Coming Out Guide by Tracey Stevens and  Katherine Wunder.  Look for GLBT events in your community, or find out if there are peer groups, support groups, or basic fun events where your community can expand beyond this mean woman.  Also, try calling the GLBT National Support Hotline at  1-888-843-4564 instead of funneling yourself into this woman and her split heart.  They also offer Online Peer-Support Chat.

Another thing to beware of with both women, men and in-between, is that anyone who is freshly out of another relationship may not be totally present for you.  No matter how much this woman may like you, and no matter how much you feel for her, her heart is still tied up with the past.  This means she can’t be the girlfriend you deserve because she is still busy being a girlfriend, or navigating the oddities of being an ex-girlfriend to her ex.

It’s as if this woman gave you an awesome new toy(her), and then realized suddenly that she wanted it back.  When we receive people into our hearts and bodies we want to be sure that they are as present, as unattached and as loving as we are.  This recklessness that you refer to is her problem, but more so, it is your problem that you engaged in a relationship with the reckless.

Thus, YOU have been reckless with your heart.  Be gentle and patient in seeking women to love.  The beginning of a lesbian dating life is not always easy, but the signs of a maladjusted lover run clear across the board.  Steer clear of women in love with other women.  You will find another person to love, one that is as loving as you are.  In the meantime, look for some solid queer friends to support you in your identity and weave your way out of this destructive relationship.  You deserve a love all your own.

Ask Yenta!  E-mail a question to merissag[at]gmail[dot]com directly, or using www.send-email.org to ask anonymously.

Ask Your Yenta

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March 9, 2011 | 1:37 pm

Pursued By a Cheater

Posted by  Merissa Nathan Gerson

Dear Yenta,

I am a college student living in the dorms. Last week, I met one of my friend’s roommates at a campus celebration. A bunch of us were hanging out and this guy (I’ll call him B.) was talking to me a bit, etc. After the party, he added me on Facebook and started talking to me on Facebook chat right away, commenting on what I had been wearing and asking me a bunch of questions. (This guy, by the way, is SUPER attractive.)

Over the past week, we have talked a lot online and hung out once in person (but we were with his roommates as well), but he always tells me that I should come visit and is pretty blatant about hitting on me. Last night I was hanging out with some of his roommates and someone spilled that B. is moving out of their apartment and in with his girlfriend. (Apparently they had broken up and recently got back together.) WHOA—SHOCK.

He has never mentioned having a girlfriend to me. By chance, right after I found out, he messaged me on Facebook chat, and when he found out that I had been with his roommates, he asked why I didn’t come say hi. He doesn’t know that I know about his girlfriend and his move-out plans, so I carried on a short, polite, relatively banal conversation, even though I wanted to ask him point-blank about the girlfriend and us. Nothing has happened between us (thank goodness) except some flirting, because I wanted to take it slowly (I am a little bit weary of pretty boys), but I developed a pretty bad crush and the messages he was sending me made it seem like he was interested too. I don’t know if I should ask him about the girlfriend or let our little flirting game go on or cut him out of my life completely. I’m sure I can get over him quickly because I haven’t known him for that long, but I feel really hurt and betrayed and don’t know what to do. Please help!

Thanks!

-Crush Has a Girlfriend

Dear CHAG,

There is nothing worse than feeling amorous towards a seductive man and then suddenly learning he is taken.  This sucks on so many levels, but the worst level is that you liked him, he jump-started your heart, and then it turns out his integrity is down the tubes.  That is a sad dating moment.

According to Esquire’s article, “Why Men Cheat: One man’s unfiltered, unadulterated explanation. Well, maybe a little adulterated,” by Anonymous,  “If you cheat, you must believe this much: that fated love is a lie, and monogamous love a deception. If you cheat, these two sentiments are your guiding light.”

A really intuitive woman knows that a man who cheats is hurting.  There is something achey on his part, involved in hurting those he loves.  A lottta women love pained men, because they get to potentially swoop in and save them. Or, get cheated on or cheated with.

So there are like six hurts here, your hurt at losing out on a crush, your hurt in learning your crush was a douche, your hurt that is really his hurt passed through action, your own hurt that would lead you to a man like this, and so on and so forth.  Even monsters garner our love when they suffer.

Blah.  With all that hurt maybe spend a day at Spa World and stop Facebook chatting with the mofo.  He can hit you up all he wants, but you really need to guard your own and not worry about him.  Maybe he would one day be a friend, but I doubt it.  Cultivating a community of friends is a deliberate and important act, not one built on a foundation of deception, lies, and manipulative behavior.

This guy sounds like the dumps.  The sooner you cut him loose, the sooner you have space in your heart to welcome new, pretty, kind AND truthful suitors into your court.

According to How to Spot a Cheater Within 15 Minutes of Meeting by Paul Dobransky, you fell into the following traps.  Please avoid them in the future.

1) “They are VERY controlling, or VERY easily “controllable” (overagreeable)”

When a man spittles up compliments like a baby and his breast milk, you know you are barking up the wrong tree.  Love matures with time, not incrementally based on your hot outfits.

2) “They use the word “SHOULD” a great deal as in “You should sit down over here,” “You should get a different haircut,” or “You should treat me like a king/queen.” This person is likely to CHEAT.”

Yes, your little friend pulled this one on you repeatedly.

3) “They are “oversensitive.” Try a little sarcasm and see what they do.”

4) “Neediness. (Whether an attention hound, or a passive, shy type) Alongside “oversensitive” is any other similar word: “high maintenance,” “prima donna,”“entitled,” or otherwise one with low self esteem, they are more likely to cheat. You will have an intuition about this, a feeling like they are pulling on you too much, leaning in on you. Scan your emotions for this, and also notice whether their body language actually physically is too close to you, leaning toward you all the time, or too much attention placed on you. This person is likely to CHEAT.”

5) “Trouble with the word NO. They either can’t say NO to you or others, or can’t HEAR NO gracefully from you and still be interested in continuing conversation.”

Ah yes, you say bubbye, he says hello.  Ugly.

And the clincher:

6) “Outright abuse or lying.”

Homeslice lied in his pursuit of you.  Period.

Ask Yenta!  E-mail a question to merissag[at]gmail[dot]com directly, or using www.send-email.org to ask anonymously.

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March 8, 2011 | 4:17 am

Honoring the Yentas That Came Before US

Posted by  Merissa Nathan Gerson

For International Women’s Day, here are a series of strong, vocal, in-your-face and influential Jewish women who may have, without your even realizing it, changed your world.

The Wisdom of Women

Dr. Ruth

“An orgasm is just a reflex like a sneeze.”
“Don’t criticize in the sack. Discuss constructively later….”
“Talking from morning to night about sex has helped my skiing.”

Paula Abdul

“Constructive criticism is about finding something good and positive to soften the blow to the real critique of what really went on.
“Everyone is your best friend when you are successful. Make sure that the people that you surround yourself with are also the people that you are not afraid of failing with.”
“Find fitness with fun dancing. It is fun and makes you forget about the dreaded exercise.”

Elizabeth Taylor

“I sweat real sweat and I shake real shakes.”
“I’ve been through it all, baby, I’m mother courage.”
“I’ve only slept with men I’ve been married to. How many women can make that claim?”

Ann Landers

“All married couples should learn the art of battle as they should learn the art of making love. Good battle is objective and honest - never vicious or cruel. Good battle is healthy and constructive, and brings to a marriage the principles of equal partnership.”
“Expect trouble as an inevitable part of life and repeat to yourself, the most comforting words of all; this, too, shall pass.”
“If you marry a man who cheats on his wife, you’ll be married to a man who cheats on his wife.”
“Know yourself. Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”
“Love is friendship that has caught fire.”

Laura Schlesinger

“This is all you have. This is not a dry run. This is your life. If you want to fritter it away with your fears, then you will fritter it away, but you won’t get it back later.”

Abigail Van Buren (Dear Abby)

“If we could sell our experiences for what they cost us, we’d all be millionaires.”
“If you want a place in the sun, you’ve got to put up with a few blisters.”
“People who fight fire with fire usually end up with ashes.”
“There are two kinds of people in the world. Those who walk into a room and say, “There you are” and those who say, “Here I am””
“True, a little learning is a dangerous thing, but it still beats total ignorance.”

Bella Abzug

“Women have been trained to speak softly and carry a lipstick. Those days are over.”
“The test for whether or not you can hold a job should not be the arrangement of your chromosomes.”
“I prefer the word “homemaker” because “housewife” always implies that there may be a wife someplace else.”

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Merissa Nathan Gerson | Create Your Badge

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