January 29, 2011 | 2:01 pm

Sexual Surrogacy

Posted by  Merissa Nathan Gerson

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To Ms. Yenta,

I have a sexual question and it has taken me time to even consider asking this question but here it goes.  I have had a long term sexual problem (Premature Ejaculation) which I have not been able to cure.  I have tried the silly Kegel exercises and they cause me pain and frustration.  I recently have heard about sexual surrogates.  Surrogates being sex therapists who actually engage in sex with the patient in order to help their patients with their problems.  I’m wondering if you know anything about surrogates and if they are a good choice or just new age hookers?

*Thank you*

-from Stephen J

Dear Stephen,

Thank you for your brave honesty!  For you, I learned about sex surrogates.  I am now a HUGE fan of this concept.  For those of you not aware of sexual surrogacy, it is a medical route to sexual assistance.  Ie, you go see a doctor who then helps you with your sexual self in a “triad” with a third person, the sexual surrogate.  This person actually assists you manually in learning how to be more intimate and sexually adept.

Prostitutes far and near often speak of their job as a sex worker as one of a sex therapist.  Depending on the hooker and depending on the John, this is a place for acting things out emotionally via sex, off the grid.  This work, for the happy hooker, can be really transformative.

The difference, however, between a prostitute and a sexual surrogate is the medicalization and legalization of the practice.  One woman touching you and teaching you is usually illegal, whereas the other is sanctioned by a doctor with whom she works in conjunction.  For more on legit sexual surrogates, see IPSA, The International Professional Surrogates Association.

In his pulp novel, Counsel For The Damned, author Neil Montefiore Fleishman writes about how the first five hours of marriage make or break every union.  He has a theory stating that men are either born lovers, or aren’t, and that this shows in those few hours past the threshold.  Sexual surrogacy is a fabulous challenge to the notion that a man can’t learn to be a phenomenal lover.  Think about Footloose. If Kevin Bacon can teach that chump to dance, then anyone can learn to make love like a pro.

Sexual assistance is a practice we have often lost in our sexually repressed society.  We too easily forget how much is tied into a sexual release, emotionally, physically, spiritually, and so on.  More often than not, men are left without education surrounding the complexity of their own sexuality.  (For a granola take on healing male sexuality, click here.)  Free porn and abundant Victoria’s Secret catalogs have nothing to do with teaching people how to connect with other bodies subjectively.  Sex can be transcendent, uniting, complex, incredible, and so on and so forth, and many other cultures recognize this fact and train their young.

The brilliant Zora Neale Hurston wrote about this in Tell My Horse, how young women in one town were schooled by an elder on the art and importance of love making.  Shamanic healers have often been summoned for this work, to manually teach about how to sexually express oneself.  I don’t think there is anything shameful about sexual surrogates. If anything, I think using them is a wise choice.

There are retreats all over (like this one), and gurus across the globe (like this guy) who can help teach you about sex from new angles, ie, tantra, kundalini, etc.  YouTube alone has tons of teaching videos on sex and healing.

For you, Stephen, I think sexual surrogacy is a medically sound way to treat your problem because it addresses both the physical and the emotional components of premature ejaculation.  With the “triad” of a doctor and a surrogate, you should, at the very least, learn a lot about your own body, which is great.  At best, you will learn to control your timing and attain new skills to better give and receive pleasure in the bedroom.  Not a bad bargain.

For a better idea of what it’s like, read this great article from Nerve.com.  Follow the dude’s cue, and perhaps use the International Professional Surrogates Association to be sure your helper isn’t scamming you for cash.  Good Luck!

Book ideas:

The Illustrated Manual Of Sex Therapy Second Edition by Helen Singer Kaplan

Sacred Sexual Healing: The Shaman Method of Sex Magic by Baba Dez Nichols and Kamala Devi, or these manuals from SpiritedSenses.com.

Ask Yenta!  E-mail a question to merissag[at]gmail[dot]com directly, or using www.send-email.org to ask anonymously.

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January 24, 2011 | 4:26 am

What Women Want

Posted by  Merissa Nathan Gerson

Click Here to visit AskYourYenta.com.

Help me Yenta!!!

This is a fairly general question but, WHAT DO WOMEN WANT IN BED?  I NEED TO KNOW!

-K

Dear K,

To answer your question I gathered four experienced women who happen to be farmers.  Farmers are in touch with themselves, the earth and as a solid byproduct, their sexuality.  Here, for the answer to your questions, are their replies:

Farmer 1: Men think they should know everything.

Farmer 2: Like how to please a woman.

Farmer 1: And they don’t think they should ask because that makes them seem inexperienced.

Farmer 3: And that’s the thing that makes them inexperienced.

Farmer 2: An experienced man knows to ask.

A mechanic told me that women get their cars fixed better than men.  Why?  Because most women walk in and say, “There was a clicking and humming on the left side of the car.”  Most men, however, come in saying something like, “My carborator is broken,” when really it is the exhaust or the brake pads.  The difference: the man wanted to fake like he knew, and ended up with a bad result.

Farmer 1: It’s not even a question, women want all different things.  It is going to change every day, you just have to talk to her.

Farmer 2: Yeah, ask.  Ask her.

Farmer 3: Yeah, that’s the best sex advice ever, just talk.

Farmer 2: You have to be a little bit ballsy, and if you ask, it pays off.

Farmer 1: If you don’t ask then it is either bad, or you don’t ever see that person again because they weren’t satisfied.

Farmer 4: I would say that women are the same way.  We wonder what he likes, but are often too afraid to ask.

Farmer 3: And that’s what makes it bad, not seeing what he likes.

So nugget number one: ASK.  Always.

I once had a friend who was annoyed about catering to women, “What am I supposed to do,” he asked, “treat every woman I sleep with like she is the survivor of rape and incest?”  The answer: Yes.  How do you treat a survivor?  With respect, listening to her cues.  That shouldn’t be so hard.  Every woman you sleep with is a potential survivor of abuse.  Does that mean she wants to be cuddled and coddled?  Maybe.  And maybe not.

One man I knew in college was so sensitive that he treated his girlfriend with extreme care. Years later she took me aside and complained, angrily, about how he was so tender all the time, that he wouldn’t listen to her actual wants and needs.  She liked it rough and he liked treating her like a fragile delicate flower.

Farmer 1: An ideal lover is someone capable of both being able to communicate and ask, while still being masculine, being a leader.

Farmer 3: I am really turned on when a man takes control.

Farmer 4: Take charge can mean, “does this feel good?”  It can be as simple as taking charge through questions.

We concurred that a good lover is like a good dance partner.  He takes charge, but it is a symbiotic relationship.  Ie, for him to take charge, you have to give the reigns.  It is mythical power, a structure in place for the sake of leading towards a goal.

Farmer Yenta: They are leading you, but you are still fueling that dance.

Farmer 1: It is about creating a safe space for expression.

Farmer 1: Give because you want to give, never expect anything in return.  Giving to receive ends in resentment.

Farmer 3: Yeah, just don’t give at all if you don’t enjoy it.

Top farmer sex read:  The Guide To Getting It On! by Paul Joannides

Ask Yenta an anonymous question!  Send an e-mail via www.send-email.org to merissag[at]gmail[dot]com.

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January 20, 2011 | 3:43 pm

Boyfriend Addict

Posted by  Merissa Nathan Gerson

Dear Yenta,

I just broke up with my boyfriend of about 4 years, 3 weeks ago.  Our relationship had been dying for the past 6 months (but had never been easy.)  He does not live in the same city as me.  I’d been attracted to a very good friend of mine for quite awhile, and a few days after I broke up with my boyfriend, we hooked up.  We’ve been hooking up ever since, and spending a lot of time together. . I’ve been very clear that I do not want to be in another relationship right away.

But, he is a very good friend that I spend a lot of time with anyway, an now adding the physical stuff in just makes it more intense.  I’m having a great time with him, and don’t want to stop, but at the same time, We’ve pretty much slipped into relationship mode very quickly.

He stays at my apartment a lot, we talk almost every day.  It’s hard to say “I don’t want to be in a relationship” with this person that I spend so much time with and care so much about. It’s not about commitment phobia, it’s about wanting to actually feel single and have fun with that. What to do?

-Piper Got A New Man

Click Here to visit AskYourYenta.com.

Dear PGANM,

This is the opposite of commitment phobia.  This is commitment mania.  This is a common disease amongst young attractive women.  They break up, and are immediately swooped in upon, yanked from the gap between lovers, and reinstated into committed existence.  A lot of women envy women like you, with weird rose-colored glasses, because you are the woman who seems to always know how to get the man.

The real question is, how to get off the man.  Yes.  You sound like you want some time to yourself, but are being wooed so fast, and giving in so quickly, that there isn’t, literally, any space for solitude.  With a man’s legs draped across your own, it is difficult to choose the to be alone.

What do you do?  What everyone else wishing to be in your shoes is told.  You need to step back, breathe, and figure out your pattern.  Why is it so easy to give in to this man’s desire for you?  Why is your desire so all-consuming?  Is this about “friendship?”  Or are you using that as an excuse, as a way to guiltily bind yourself to this next suitor?

Friends let friends grieve.  Isn’t that what being single begins with?  A period of grieving, a deep sigh, and then a hot pink dress and some girlfriends at a bar?  Maybe.  Single, it sounds like to me, means worrying about you and not the men who plant themselves in your heart for a hot little minute.  It might mean Carrie-ing it up, but I think it is different, something about disentangling from the influence of a constant partner to decipher who you are and what you really want.

You say, “Homeboy, I love sleeping with you, but I think this is bad timing.  I haven’t had a chance to process what happened with my ex and need that time for myself.”  He might pout, stomp, slam things.  He might ignore you and continue to try and seduce you.  He might hate you.  Whichever it is, you basically need to make a decision about who you are choosing, you or the suitors.  If he is really your “friend” he will get it, let you breathe.

Your job, however, is more important than his.  He might run or he might woo, but you need to be sure you don’t follow him as he seesaws.  Your job is to be strong in your decision, and not give in when the loneliness comes creeping in.  Being single is bold and brazen and sometimes torture.  The reason why many women never get off the commitment train is because that space between is not easy to navigate.  It is not all martini parties and one-night stands and brunches.  When the going gets tough, you have to be careful not to run sobbing back to this male friend, because chances are you will wind up in his bed for many moons to come. 

For more on serial monogamy, click here.

Ask Yenta an anonymous question!  Send an e-mail via www.send-email.org to merissag[at]gmail[dot]com.

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January 16, 2011 | 3:25 pm

Polyamorous Dating Machine

Posted by  Merissa Nathan Gerson

Dear Yenta,

I am currently seeing 3 people, I like them all for different reasons, and I am having fun.  Although, I do feel cheap at times, and like I am using people.  I don’t know what to do. I spend a lot of time keeping these relationships going and am running out of my own personal time.  I would also get bored if I stayed with just one. I don’t want to hurt anyone and there has been no talk of commitment, but something just doesn’t feel right.  Do you have any advice.

Your avid reader,

Morgan

Click Here to visit AskYourYenta.com.

Dear Morgan,

Seems to me that there are two ways to approach this: 1) look at you 2) look at the people you are choosing.  You either choose people who are one-dimensional, and are therefore unsatisfying on their own, or you are diverting attention from yourself so you don’t have to be more than one-dimensional to begin with.

Yes, it is the dimensionality of this dilemma that concerns me.  There is no law about dating one person, and no law about intimacy being a must.  The only rule I would set for dating is your own happiness, and not harming others in that pursuit.  You sound unhappy and like you are harming yourself, using dating as a diversion from sitting still with your insides.

If you find yourself bored and feel cheap, thirsty, and like a user, then you are engaging from a funny angle.  Maybe it is the nature of engagement that is the trouble, and not the choice of partners.  Are you sleeping with them quickly?  Disclosing large secrets about yourself to each one?  Is it too much too soon?  Or are you running too hard towards each other, leaving not enough breathing room?

Dating is a matrix and only you know your own point of entry.  Take a breather, maybe a night off or a morning coffee break if you can’t handle life without the dates.  Look at the different components of this situation.  A)  Who are these people you are dating?  Do you actually like them?  B)  How do you engage them?  With your genitals? Your mind?  Your heart?  All of the above?  C)  What would your ideal partner look like, the person that wouldn’t leave you bored?  D)  What is wrong with you?  Seriously.  Why are you feeling so thirsty and at once so un-sated?  Are you maybe too old for “fun,” in the traditional lacking depth concept of the word?  What are you using these dates to avoid?

Just hunker down and figure your junk out.  It should be easy, then, to decipher a battle plan.  Maybe you need five partners, maybe you need none.  Maybe you need to talk more, hang out less, stop snorting drugs on your dates: change whatever it is that keeps things from feeling interesting.  When life gets dull there is ALWAYS a way to liven things up.  More often than not, though, that dullness comes from within us, a sounding board reminding us to stay on course.

Meditation could help, anything to assist you in turning inwards and finding your answers.  For more on dating multiple partners, read “PiggyBack Dating” on ASKYOURYENTA.com.

Ask Yenta an anonymous question!  Send an e-mail via www.send-email.org to merissag[at]gmail[dot]com.

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January 12, 2011 | 3:11 pm

Disclosing Your STD Status

Posted by  Merissa Nathan Gerson

Dear Yenta,

I went to get my PAP and check on my sexual health status.  I was told the doctor would screen for HPV but that at my age (late 30’s) it was to act as a screening for cervical cancer. I was told it might appear only later to disappear and that in my age bracket it wasn’t really anything to be concerned with, just that I would have to come back next year rather than in two years (I guess they only do an every other year exam now).  I went and did my AIDS test, and had abstained for a 8 weeks to make sure I was “all clear” when they did the exam.  I began a new relationship soon after, and felt great to report that I was healthy. A few weeks into the relationship my results came in saying my HPV test was positive, but not to be alarmed. The meds that are available are for twenty somethings…so I was not prescribed anything.  Now the problem is when I started to research HPV I found that I may have passed on to my lover - because one only needs to have CONTACT even with a condom on.

There was also mention that he could already be carrying it and not know as men can’t really be diagnosed with it. Of course fear struck that I might have passed along unwittingly….and reading more about it is anxiety laden.  Why didn’t my doctor tell me it was transmitable?  Does it matter? Do I tell him what’s up, wait for the results of next year? I know honesty is essential but will it matter if he knows? I feel like it’s my business and that since he wouldn’t know if he was a already a carrier or is one now, and it doesn’t effect his health than why bring it up?

Hoping To Soon Be HPV Free

Click Here to visit AskYourYenta.com.

Dear HTSBHPVF,

Oye.  I am so sorry for your troubles.  First off, yes, your doctor should have told you more about how contagious HPV really is.  Second, as much as I hate this fact, sexual health and education are also an individual’s responsibility.  When diagnosed with a disease, especially one down below, it is always good to research the wazoo out of it, just to be sure you protect yourself and others.

For information on your STD, click here.  For STD testing, click here.

That being said, I also understand shutting down when the internet spouts terrifying data and statistics.  What this all boils down to is the fact that you are at present a sexually active adult with a “lover.”  This means that this “lover” may take other lovers, and, unwittingly, spread HPV like wildfire.  While yes, our own health is our own business, when we bed another we are inviting them into our physical storm.

Ie, by sleeping with this man you exposed your health to his health and mixed accordingly.  Now your HPV is his potential HPV and his potential HPV is your HPV, etc., etc.  Even if you don’t transmit a disease every time you fornicate, you are ALWAYS taking that risk, condom or no condom.  Diseases are mean and they jump ship fast.

The way I look at it:  if you are mature enough to have sexual intercourse, then you are also mature enough to have a conversation about the realities laced therein.  Talk to your lover and ask him about his history, now is a good time as any, and tell him about your HPV.  At the very least, you are preventing the proliferation of a mean little disease.  At best, you are owning your body, your actions, and your sexual relationship and rising to the occasion like a proper fierce woman.

Click Here to visit AskYourYenta.com.

Click here for tips on telling your partner about your STD and/or click here.

Ask Yenta an anonymous question!  Send an e-mail via www.send-email.org to merissag[at]gmail[dot]com.

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January 7, 2011 | 3:53 am

When Gay Means Guinea Pig

Posted by  Merissa Nathan Gerson

Yenta,

When my boyfriend and I first started to date, I heard through the grape vine that there was speculation one of his brothers might be gay. I immediately told the person who told me this to not spread rumors and that it wasn’t true. Please note that I am in no way homophobic! I am extremely liberal and I have walked in numerous gay pride parades in support of loved ones. I want everyone to be happy and I would never judge anyone upon their sexuality.

I met this brother, who is absolutely gorgeous. They have 4 brothers in total. Immediately, we had a lot of respect for each other and spoke to each other with ease. I had asked my boyfriend how on earth could he still be single, and I heard that every girl in their town was trying to hook up with him. It’s his good looks that led everyone to notice when he wasn’t hooking up with the good looking girls who threw themselves at him. Now that he is 24, it does seem a bit odd that he has never dated a girl.

As time went on, I couldn’t help but hear more and more about his sexuality from people from their town.  One night, a friend (even though this was not a FRIENDly move) asked my boyfriend about the sexuality of his brother in front of a group of people. My boyfriend got extremely awkward and didn’t say anything. Since him and I talk about everything under the sun, I thought it was strange he did not bring this up to me afterwards.

Recently, I received a phone call from a friend asking me about the situation. Her sister had told her that her boyfriend (my boyfriend’s brother) had confided in her and told her that the brother wrote them a letter months ago explaining that he was gay, and told them everything.

So at this point, we have been dating for years, and I know the truth. I want to show him that I am here for him no matter what, and I would never judge anyone for their sexuality. I don’t know whether he is embarrassed to tell me, or if he just doesn’t want to admit it to himself just yet. But what I feel most horrible about is that people are talking about it. Should I tell him just how many people have mentioned it to me and claim they know it is true? I have told everyone that has asked me that I have no idea and that it is none of their business to begin with. My boyfriend and I are very serious, and when I think of his family I think of them as my own.

I am hurt that he hasn’t talked to me about it yet (he’s known for months), but I would never be angry over this. He knows I love him more than anything. I want to do the right thing by him and his family, without making anyone feel uncomfortable. I really don’t think they know how many people talk about it. Should I wait for him to tell me? Maybe if the family knew that people already know, it would ease the process? He knows people talk about it, but I don’t think he knows that people claim to know for a fact that he is gay. I feel like I am cheating by knowing something of this nature and not being able to tell my boyfriend, especially when I know he could be in pain.

Yours truly,

Trying To Do The Right Thing

Click Here to visit AskYourYenta.com.

Dear TTDTRT,

The first time I read this and answered this, I thought all along you were talking about the brother, not your boyfriend.  So, disclaimer, the paragraphs that follow this are a sassy response to that assumption. 

Original still-relevant answer to incorrect reading of question:

A big red flag in life is when someone openly declares “I am not….”  Usually, the need to declare what you aren’t, alludes a bit to what you are.  Ie, if you are so adamantly “liberal” and so die hard “not homophobic” then you would probably not be writing so much to prove it.

It sounds to me like this whole deal with your man’s brother batting for the home team is more about you, than about his homosexuality.  There is no evidence in this story that he is suffering, or that he needs you as an ally.  In fact, there is no imperative for a healthy sexy gay man to come out to the whole wide world.  There is no debutante ball for the homosexual emerging.

It sounds, however, like you really want to host a debutante ball for your boyfriend’s brother’s coming out.  What if he doesn’t want a ball, but wants a small dinner?  Ie, what if this guy is perfectly content being gay, living gay, and not speaking up and out about it?  You sound like you feel a need to communicate your acceptance, desperately.

How to be truly accepting?  Maybe stop heeding the talk and gossip about this guy and his private life.  People talking about him is not his problem, nor should it be yours.  It isn’t as if he killed a bunny, he lives an identity.  That’s it.  People’s fascination or repulsion is generally their own problem.

I would say stay out of it, work on your own relationship to homosexuality, and let this guy live a life in peace.  Be his friend, fine, but not in order to save his homosexual soul.

There are a million ways to exercize this need you have to be an ally to the homosexual community.  Try joining StraightForEquality.org, FriendFactor.org “Where straight friends stand up for their gay allies,” or join a Facebook group for allies to make your support publicly known.  Posting these groups on your profile is a great way of showing allegiance.  These are ways of also making yourself visible as a safe space should this guy ever decide he needs you.

Below is a list from GLAAD.org “The Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation,” of 10 ways to be a straight ally, without needing, necessarily, to use gay friends as guinea pigs.

10 Ways to Be an Ally & a Friend

1. Be a listener.

2. Be open-minded.

3. Be willing to talk.

4. Be inclusive and invite LGBT friends to hang out with your friends and family.

5. Don’t assume that all your friends and co-workers are straight. Someone close to you could be looking for support in their coming-out process. Not making assumptions will give them the space they need.

6. Homophobic comments and jokes are harmful. Let your friends, family and co-workers know that you find them offensive.

7. Confront your own prejudices and homophobia, even if it is uncomfortable to do so.

8. Defend your LGBT friends against discrimination.

9. Believe that all people, regardless of gender identity and sexual orientation, should be treated with dignity and respect.

10. If you see LGBT people being misrepresented in the media, contact us at glaad.org.

Also check out “What Would A Queer Ally Do,” or “Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbian and Gays, PFLAG.org for other resources.

As for your ACTUAL question:

You might, in trying to do “the right thing” be getting too mentally involved.  In lieu of your boyfriend, maybe just ask him about it.  Your fear of the subject isn’t helping.  You don’t need to say, “hey, everyone knows your brother likes men, they are all gossiping!”  Why not just gently mention the truth?  Or, another option…don’t mention it and use the resources I posted to begin to show you are an advocate for the gay community.  Visible advocacy makes it more likely that your boyfriend might come to you.  Either way, be brave, try not to skirt the truth because in cases like this one, it throws everything out of proportion.  Also, try not to presume your boyfriend’s silence is a matter of shame and suffering or that his family needs your help.  This assumption doesn’t bode well for how you view homosexuality.  It is also possible that your boyfriend just doesn’t care if his brother likes girls, boys or smurfs.

Ask Yenta an anonymous question!  Send an e-mail via www.send-email.org to merissag[at]gmail[dot]com.

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