November 29, 2010 | 2:07 pm

She Dumped Me and Now I Hate The World

Posted by  Merissa Nathan Gerson

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Dear Yenta,

I was recently dumped by a girl I was seeing for a month. I know it’s lame, and I may be reacting too much for such a short-lived experience, but I really liked this girl, and the breakup came out of nowhere, since things were going really well. Her reason was that she recently reconnected with an ex, and she felt guilty stringing me along. I’m having difficulty coping with the pain, and I’ve tried binge-drinking, making sad music mixes, and I’ve repeatedly listened to the Breakup Episode of This American Life. I really want her to feel the sadness that I do, but more importantly, I want to be happy again. Any suggestions?

Thanks,

Wallower

Dear Wallower,

No matter what a lifetime of My So-Called Life, Dawson’s Creek, 90210, Part of Five and Gossip Girl will tell you, this kind of misery is not totally normal. When I say “normal” I mean to say that it is not an acceptable social standard to fall apart because some girl you knew for a month decided to go back where her heart came from.

That being said, I know that love can expand and flourish in even just a week. Time does not negate intensity, and I have no doubt that this relationship felt vital and moving. But, in the end, you are an adult and this human you loved on was not someone of enormous importance in the scope of your vast existence.

This means that something else is wrong. What is going on in your life? Could you be using this as an excuse to cry about other things? Chances are this chick just triggered a massive library of self-esteem issues. She just triggered the rejection valve and now you are probably wondering something along the lines of “Am I lovable? Will I ever be loved? Am I a freak? Why don’t she love me anymore?” Etc. A little sting is normal, a full-on collapse is another story.

Get out your diary and write a little ditty about what you are going through. Figure out why this woman, who you don’t totally know, was so awesome for you. Was it her, or was it the having of a girlfirend at all that felt so amazing? What did she validate for you? What are you projecting onto this woman, what kind of importance, what kind of role, what kind of romantic notions?

If you are seeking your self-worth from a stranger, it will leave you dead and cold in the heart region when they walk. Ie, look for that spark, that love, that acceptance within you and the bottle and This American Life won’t seem so delicious.

You want her, you say, to feel this same sense of gigantic loss. But she probably didn’t turn you into a mountain as you did her. Your loss is not necessarily about the girl. It is about all the things that being seen by another with loving sparkly eyes might do for you, things you should look for from within.

Be nice to yourself, remember who loves you. Spend some time doing things that nurture you, like running or swimming or hiking. Happiness will come inevitably, since all bullshit passes. But right now you might want to dive into why you got so miserable in the first place. My hunch: get some professional help for a short while to explore why it is you are so devastated by this loss.

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November 25, 2010 | 2:05 pm

How Do I Support Them Through Chemotherapy?

Posted by  Merissa Nathan Gerson

Dear Yenta,

I just found out that my close friend’s mother has cancer. They have been good family friends since high school. She is undergoing intensive chemotherapy as I write this and I am really sad about it. Can I do anything to help? I don’t know what my place is, do I call? Write? Email? Who do I support, my friend or the family, and how?

Sincerely,

Cancer Sucks

Positivity can be a sufferer’s salve.

Dear CS,

Thank you so much for asking this important question. Cancer touches all of our lives and finding ways to navigate illness and friendship can be very difficult. My first words of advice are to follow your heart. This sounds simple and obvious, but it is often the last thing we remember to do in these situations. Where does your instinct take you? To comforting your friend? To sending your love to their mother? Or do you feel the need to care for yourself first?

When people are sick, they are generally terrified and in pain. This is a horrible combination, and often horrifying for the onlooking community members. The greatest thing you can do for someone who is suffering is to be fearless. This means looking at their broken heart, their decaying body, their excruciating suffering and being able to see it without balking.

This is a tall order and very few people can handle it. It means smiling even when someone is coughing up blood, seeing their beauty and not shying away in fear of their and your mortality. This translates quite simply to caring for yourself so you can care for others. Fearlessness comes when we feel safe in our bodies, in our communities and in our minds. This means that in order to be there for your friend and their family you need to up your own self-care so that when they come to you crying, you have the strength to hold them up.

So. My simpler advice on caring for the families of those suffering from cancer: be dependable, be kind, and be real. If you can’t handle the gruesome elements of physical decay, stay on the periphery with consistent phone calls, e-mails, letters or packages, checking in regularly. This doesn’t need to be “hey, how is dealing with the demise of your mother’s life?” but more, “how was your day?”

A simple and regular conversation goes a very long way; it offers a safe place to be normal. It shows your friend that you are there, to experience all elements of life, the ups, the downs, and the in-betweens. This is the first thing you can do for your friend, and by extension, for their mother.

The only rule with phoning the sick/suffering is that you can’t need anything in that call. Your job, when they are ill or grieving, is to give and be strong so they can feel normal and at peace. This doesn’t mean always asking and probing, just not needing. It means keeping your end light, and their end however they want it to be. ie, if they want to hear about your problems, share, but let things be on their terms and expect nothing in return, not gratitude, not kindness, nothing.

All their energy will be going towards staying alive. So when you call, prep yourself in advance. Make sure your tears have already been shed, your back already rubbed. We are there, when people are suffering and dying, to comfort, not to be comforted.

Other things: send a simple e-mail, “I love you.” Send little packages of things, be a bright light in their dark days. Imagine what cheered you up when you were down, or what you wished for, and offer up your dream friendship to another. Send cards, drawings, thoughts and gifts. Just let them know, in a million ways, that you are thinking of them, that you value their life, and that you can handle the gruesome underbelly of humanity.

Again, a fearless face when you are terrified can be nearly angelic. Smile, be positive, don’t be afraid to open and wield your heart. Someone in pain ALWAYS recognizes goodness and kindness, even if at the time they don’t have the words to show it.

For other ideas, or ways to help cancer patients:
E-mail any questions, fears or concerns to the live support group at the Lance Armstrong Foundation.
Call 1-800-813-HOPE to help yourself with your own grief/sadness so you can help them. This is a free service from CancerCare.org.
Volunteer for or steal ideas from ChemoBuddyClub.com and ChemoAngels.com.
Read these tips from cancer survivors on how to be there for a friend in chemo.
Search the Shared Experience Cancer Support Database for online answers to all your questions from first hand accounts.

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November 22, 2010 | 2:01 pm

Wandering Eye

Posted by  Merissa Nathan Gerson

Dear Yenta,

I’ve been dating my best friend Taylor off and on for about two years now. It’s been really great and I love him so much. He’s helped me through my dad’s death in the past year and we are very close. Lately though I’ve started having feelings towards other people and being less interested when we are intimate. On top of that, I’ve stopped ignoring the feelings I’ve had for one of my good girl friends. She wrote me a letter and in it told me how she’s always felt about me.

She said in it that when she first met me that she knew there was something nerve-wracking and beautiful about me. I don’t know what to do because I think about her all the time and how wonderful it would be to be with her! I think about the way her eyes sparkle when she laughs and how she always looks perfect to me and I just have this desire to be with her, even though she thinks she is dorky. I don’t know if this is just a phase or not. Also, lately I’ve just been wanting to have sex a lot. With Taylor and with my other guy friends that are interested in me, or my ex boyfriends. It’s like I don’t even care anymore.

Am I morally obstructed for wanting to be with more than one person?

-Sweet Jewish Girl

Dear SJG,

You would only be morally obstructed if you were to act on all of your desires while feigning commitment to your boyfriend. There is no sin in entertaining thoughts. However, nine times out of ten, when you start thinking about sleeping with everyone around you more than about sleeping with your man, it is a sign that things between you aren’t right.

When people help us through hard times, it is hard to let them go. Your boyfriend, I have no doubt, is a wonderful man who made the pain of losing your father far less difficult. But just because someone was there when you needed them most does not mean you need to be with them forever. Relationships shift and it might be time to end the romantic element of this one.

According to Elisabeth Kübler Ross, there are 7 stages of grief. These are:

1) Shock stage: Initial paralysis at hearing the bad news.
2) Denial stage: Trying to avoid the inevitable.
3) Anger stage: Frustrated outpouring of bottled-up emotion.
4) Bargaining stage: Seeking in vain for a way out.
5) Depression stage: Final realization of the inevitable.
6) Testing stage: Seeking realistic solutions.
7) Acceptance stage: Finally finding the way forward.

You, I am guessing, are somewhere between the Testing and the Acceptance phases. It sounds like you have waxed and waned through the hard work of letting a parent go and are now ready to begin to come alive again.

You can still show your love and your friendship, but sticking around out of obligation or guilt is not what relationships are about. Your desire to sleep with your friend and to sleep with everyone else is just your body’s way of saying that it is time to move on. Get bad with your lesbian half. Find what makes you tick.

Sometimes, sadly, those people who help us through hard times also remind us of the suffering we experienced. It might be time to end your intimacy with your boyfriend because he holds a lot of the grief you just walked through, and now you need distance from those feelings. It isn’t fair, but it can be part of the process of mourning, moving on, and continuing to live a good life.

You only live that good life once, so be true to yourself. You can show your love and appreciation for your boyfriend without being his significant other. It is possible to end this era of the relationship, while expressing how important he was and is to you. For help, see these tips on gentle breakups from AllWomenStalk.com. Figure out what you want and then go get it. Just be sure to be kind and gentle as you untie yourself from this guy: he sounds like someone who deserves it.

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November 18, 2010 | 1:57 pm

Had Enough Of Her 54-Year-Old Lover

Posted by  Merissa Nathan Gerson

Dear Yenta,

I am caught in a love triangle.

Boy number 1 is actually not a boy. He is a 54 year old man and I am a 29 year old divorce’. I have been seeing this guy for about 2 years and we’ve been through a lot together–health, crises, business closing… We have always been the support system for each other, but as he ages, I feel like I am, to put it bluntly, riding on a sinking ship. He is perfect in all other ways—he massages my feet (and likes it), he always brings me flowers, he takes me to the spa for dates, cleans my house, loves my dog, loves my family, is funny, sensitive, fabulous in bed, writes me poetry every day (sometimes twice)….but he has serious old man syndrome and I wanna party with the good years I have left.

Boy number 2: Think John Travolta in Grease with tattoos and hair died in the pattern of a skunk’s tail. This is the only man in this town my ex-husband threatened to kill if he touched me. A true ladies’ man [plural possessive intended]. But, at the same time, a dedicated father, a sweetheart with a devil’s tongue, and the sincerity of Honest Abe.

I know there is no chance of a real relationship with the greaser, but nevertheless, I don’t feel I can devote any more of my life to a kind of crotchety old man.

What should I do?

Caught In a Love Triangle

CILT

Dear CILT,

My guess is that the problem is less this “old man’s” aging, and moreso your own. I have to say it bothers me that you call your man of two years “crotchety” when you and I both know that he isn’t. If he were so ancient, you would not have enjoyed all he could do for you for so long.

What is important here is why you chose a man fifteen years your senior, why suddenly that doesn’t float your boat anymore, and what this new homeboy represents. What I imagine is a big piece of the allure of a much older man from the get-go is how youthful, alive, fresh and gorgeous you feel. As he ages, you get to be the specimen of virility, something and someone that makes him feel ageless which in turn makes you feel ravishing.

But those feelings don’t last. In the end as flawed as we are as human, we are also whole, and my guess is that you desire a more balanced love. It is not so much a matter of his years, as much a matter of the incompatibility. Another thing about an older man is that there is something safe, some Daddy-esque element that keeps you from worrying about being hurt (again). If you found him post-divorce, then he was probably a rebound man to help sew your heart back together.

Now, as you start wanting other men, different men, and yes, younger men, it is your heart’s way of saying it is ready for a deeper love, one that is less about being supported and more about mutually enjoying one-another. I caution you against calling this man names, his age was null and void when he was tending to your needs, so don’t be cruel by suddenly using it as a reason to ditch out.

I say the greaser and your ex are both people you can now live without. They are sirens, directing you forward. One taught you how to be loved, another taught you what kind of passion and youth you desire, and now you can move forward and seek a partner who is really your match, sharing your stage in life so you can pass through the next twenty years in cahoots.

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November 15, 2010 | 1:54 pm

He Hates My Friends

Posted by  Merissa Nathan Gerson

Dear Yenta,

I’ve been dating a boy for six months and we’re very close. The problem is, he’s clingy. He doesn’t like my friends at all, so when I want to hang out with them and I invite him to come along, he won’t do it. What he will do is pout for the rest of the night, making it difficult for me to enjoy an evening with the girls without worrying about whether or not he’s okay. What’s worse is that the girls I usually hang out with have boyfriends as well, and they occasionally join us with no trouble. It’s only my boy that causes snags.

I’ve spoken to him about it and he admits to being jealous of these girls. But I only have so much time in a day, or a week, or in the school year before we all go home for the summer, and I’m not going to spend every second of my free time with him. He and I get along really well when it’s just me and him, or me and him and his friends, but he treats my friends with so little respect that I don’t know what to do. Help!

-BF Hates My Peeps

Dear BFHMP,

Blah. A man who can’t adapt to multiple social situations and is “jealous” of your girlfriends sounds like bad news to me. What are you supposed to do while he is pouting? Obvi. Pay attention to him. You asked for a boyfriend, not a child.

“If a relationship is not the easiest thing you have ever done in your life for the first six months, run (don’t walk) to the nearest exit,” says Tiffany Ranae Widdifield in “Should I Keep Him or Dump Him? Three Guidelines for Navigating Relationships.” “Relationships are hard work,” Tiffany explains, “However, in their infancy, they should be fresh, vibrant and exciting. You should feel as if you have met “the one.””

I’m with Tiff. Still, these situations always have more to them than meets the eye. Who knows, except maybe you and your dude, where his nervous insecurities stem from. What we can see is that he is capable of social normalcy, but something about your friends makes him check out.

Either your friends suck or your boyfriend sucks or neither suck, and you just happen to be wearing two left shoes. What are you ignoring? That is what this boils down to, right? What are you pretending is not happening? There is something up with your man, or something up with your friends. Period.

He is your boyfriend, of six months, not your husband for life. If things aren’t working and you put up a good fight to strive for normalcy, start weighing options. No one is perfect, but that doesn’t mean you need to ever settle for someone who potentially stunts your growth. There is, however, a fine line between sorting out differences and growth stuntage. As Tiffany later writes, “That’s why rule two is so important to follow: If the second six months of your relationship is not filled with arguments, and doubts, and the unmitigated desire to throttle him, Run!”

Are you in the first or second leg of the 6 month window? Is this, “learning to love him,” or “shit, I am dating a complete loser?”

Another option: ignore everything I have said thus far and be strong in the face of an annoying scenario. No law says you must integrate friends and boyfriend on a nightly basis. Find him afterwards, or in the morning, or for lunch and enjoy the things you were going to do anyways in the meantime. In fact, doing everything together, spending every outing as a pair, might not be the best way to keep things breathing. Autonomy should not kill a good relationship.

Enjoy your life however you see fit and maybe he will come around. Otherwise, no matter which way you spin it, he will become someone you resent for raining on your friendship parade. When the summer comes, give him your time then, and your friends your time now. But my gut instinct is that if the fish stinks, chuck it.

For more help take the “Is he a good boyfriend quiz” or the “Should you dump him quiz” from Seventeen.com.

Also, for pointers, try 10 Ways to Be the Best Boyfriend or Girlfriend by Sparklife.com, A brief guide on finding the right relationship, keeping a proper perspective and remaining optimistic throughout a sometimes grueling process from Aish.com, and If the Buddha Dates: Handbook for Finding Love on a Spiritual Path.

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November 11, 2010 | 1:46 pm

Should I Give Up And Move Home?

Posted by  Merissa Nathan Gerson

Dear Yenta,

Several months ago I made a big, gutsy cross-country move, leaving a college that simply felt wrong. I don’t regret this decision; if nothing else it’s made me feel brave, accomplished, and that almost anything is possible. However, now I find myself unemployed, a “college drop-out” (with intentions to transfer when I attain state residency next year), and almost entirely without community. Though aware that I am unsatisfied, I’m unsure of where to turn from here. My family urges me to come home, but I’m reluctant to admit defeat. Should I stick it out and follow my original plan until things fall into place? Or is it time for retreat? Perhaps there is some middle ground?

Thank you,

Lost in the Possibilities

Dear LITP,

I give you an applause and a standing ovation from my little studio. Hoorah for leaping and feeling brave and for facing the terrifying reality of possibility, expansion and change. Alas, those good things come with a heavy underbelly. Think about the matrix existence of Alice in Wonderland, “sometimes I dream as many as six impossible things before breakfast.”

I went home to my parents twice after college, tail tucked and all. Both times were prompted because my life was in actual danger. That was when I knew I needed home and family, when I knew it was time to abandon the plan. I think this is a good law to follow: pursue dreams unless health/life are threatened. Then, put dreams on lay away while addressing pressing needs in immediate reality.

One thing no one tells us is how awful it can be, en route to the palace of our delights. I have had some amazing and good things happen in my life, but never without a price. In the end, only you know if this new place is a land of possibilities or a dead-end. Only you know if your dream is one of heart or one of ego, one of real positive trajectory, or one based on running away from another life.

Nick Friedman of College Hunks Hauling Junk, a kid I went to high school with, recently suggested people read this. It is like a ouji board of your own future. He wants people to make a collage of things they desire, a board that outlines the specifics of their dreams. My dad had a book on the same topic, I used to read it years ago, called Creative Visualization: Use the Power of Your Imagination to Creative What You Want In Your Life by Shakti Gawain. Same concept: only one from a self-help guru, and the other from the author of Effortless Entrepreneur: Work Smart, Play Hard, Make Millions.

The unifying idea is to outline your goals so you can start visualizing them. The clearer the vision, the more you begin to shape your life towards it. And remember, the closer you get to your vision, the more things might feel like they are falling apart around you, when, in fact, they may just be falling into place.

Parents, friends from home and relatives can be tricky and often interfere with clarity of vision. Do not let their fear become your fear. Make sure they aren’t, in their attempts to console and comfort you, clipping your wings. I don’t think anyone gets on the phone with this intention, but people’s desires to have their friends and daughters near to them often translate as “don’t fly!” If all birds stayed in their nests, I think those nests would get top-heavy and fall off the tree.

One therapist once told me that my job, as a human, was to leave home and find my place in the world. That this, despite their efforts to squeeze me and keep me near, would be the ultimate way to make my parents proud. Find your own voice. Make that ouji board collage: focus on and locate the specifics of your goals. Giving up kills the soul. Only give up if your actual life is in danger, if you are hurting yourself in any number of ways, or if you feel completely blind.

Start being your own cheerleader. Write yourself kind notes, keep a log of what you did well and right each day. Pat yourself on the back whenever you can. In order to stay strong, you need to build an internal voice that will drive you. As my cousin once said, listening to my low self-esteem as a teenager: “If you don’t believe in yourself, you may as well be sitting on the bench.” You, I am guessing, are more like the star player than the bench warmer.

Your vision sounds alive and clear, so I encourage you to fly far, fly hard and fly high. Know that it won’t be easy, that there will be moments that you will be sure you are insane or lost or completely stupid. But if you have faith in a greater plan for your own life, those moments will be quick, and the fruits of your intent measureless.

For more help building dreams try:
The Creative Visualization Workbook by Shakti Gawain
The Millionaire Course: A Visionary Plan For Creating the Life of Your Dreams by Marc Allen
The Artist’s Way: A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity by Julia Cameron
or
The Complete Vision Board Kit: Using the Power of Intention and Visualization to Achieve Your Dreams by John Assaraff

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November 7, 2010 | 1:41 pm

16-Year-Old Wants 28-Year-Old Woman

Posted by  Merissa Nathan Gerson

Hi Yenta,

I’m 16 and i finish school in 6 weeks. In my last year i have had a great teacher who is Jamaican and immensely interesting, she is the most beautiful woman i have ever met in my whole life. She is 28 and has a 9-year-old kid. We share a lot in common, like we were both going to join the army and we both like the same music and stuff like that. Now i know this is wrong me asking her out but my question for you is how can i ask her out just as friends?

I know this is morally wrong but i like her a lot and she isn’t married so i would not be interfering with her life, she is not seeing anyone else either so it would be ok for me to see her. Also i would like to ask you two more questions.

Even though i am very confident around her and think i stand a chance with her i always tell myself “do not ask her out when you leave” because it will be wrong and awkward. i’m set on asking her out because i always think “what could have happened if i did ask her?” How do i remove this feeling from myself? I know full well that i have nothing to give her apart from security honesty and an un-dying loyalty but how can i convince her that although i may be a really young guy i deserve a chance at least.

Thank you in advance,

Jamie

Dear Jamie,

It is not “wrong” to like your teacher, nor is it wrong to want to hang out with her. In fact, according to SexLaws.com, “Dating someone without sexual contact cannot be considered a form of statutory rape, and is almost never illegal.” It makes sense that your beautiful teacher with many things in common with you would be someone who stirred your heart.

But just to help you understand why she might say “no” if you go knocking on her door, a few main points as to why a sixteen-year-old might not be the best mate for a twenty-eight-year-old with a nine-year-old child.

1) I think, if your beautiful teacher were to ever kiss you, it would actually be illegal. Last thing you want is to make your teacher a jailbird, leaving her kid motherless.
2) Even though she seems like the woman of your dreams now, the truth is there are twelve years of complex life between you. She has been in the world in a different way, and while loyalty and honesty are amazing traits in a man, understanding one another on a deeper level is also vital to a strong adult relationship. You may not be able to understand certain things about her life, and she might not be able to understand yours.
3) Even if you DO understand everything and have the maturity of a forty-year-old man, you still might not be the best candidate to father a nine-year-old boy. Yes, having a father only seven years your senior might be an awkward life experience. And your teacher, I have no doubt, will be shopping for a Dad in the men she dates.
4) Aren’t there a million sixteen year-old girls with no babies who want to hang out with a loyal and honest man?

Connecting to a teacher in high school can be powerful because sometimes they are the only people in your world who see you as an adult, who verbally praise your good mind, and who show great interest in your growth and well-being. Don’t, however, underestimate the force of hierarchical relationships on the heart. Somehow, these power-laden ties create strong complicated desires in both parties. This, though, may not be “love” as much as projected daddy/mommy issues.

So, my sixteen-year-old friend, this means you need to check in with your lonesome and see if you might be having trouble at home, issues with your own parents, a loss, a gap: something that ups the appeal of your prof.
My guess is that you are phenomenal. Be patient and know that while this woman might seem like the only one of her kind, and she very well may be, in due time you might find others who stir similar feelings in you.

You also might find that once the limits of teacher and student disappear, that your differences suddenly swell. All in all, I would say there is no harm in asking. You can say, “Teacher, I would like to hang out with you as a friend.” There’s no sin in that question. But be prepared for whatever answer she gives, most likely, a “no.” Don’t be broken-hearted, she needs to keep her job and stay out of jail and you need to look for women your own age, rather than mother-hen figures who might not be the romantic you are really going for.

Another thing to keep in mind: if you are, say, 23 and she is 35, then this relationship might be a wee bit more acceptable. Stress on the “wee bit.” If you think she is the love of your life, wait for her. Here, whatever you choose, use this CNN article, “Older women and younger men: Can it work?” to back up your case. She is lucky to have your devotion, even if she can’t take it home.

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