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June 28, 2010 | 8:48 pm RSS

Harnessing a Classroom

Posted by  Merissa Nathan Gerson

Photo

What is angst, but bottled up self-expression?

Dear Yenta,

This is my second year teaching college level classes. I was
nominated for Teacher of the Year my second semester, and have had
amazing reviews by my students my entire teaching career. When I was asked to teach a Creative Writing class this semester, I just about had a heart attack. I was so excited, so pumped, so eager to show and teach my students everything I knew…and then we had our first class meeting.

My class was a disaster. I gave them a writing prompt, which they all
kind of moaned at, and then when I tried to discuss what they were
interested in and wanted to focus on, only one student spoke to me.
The others stared with a blank look on their faces. By the end of
class, which I let out thirty minutes early, I was devastated. How do
I inspire my students? How do I get them to open up? How do I get them
to talk to me? This is my dream, and right now I want to crawl in a
dark hole and just give the class back to the teacher who had it
before me.

-Teach 911

Dear Teach 911,

Breathe deep, these issues are all solvable. Harness your passion for the class and the kids will love you in no time. Insecurity is a teacher’s worst enemy, it is completely contagious and your students will resent you for it.

On the first day of class you want to show your students that you are strong, you are fierce, and you are in charge. Egalitarian learning comes with time, and step one is showing that you have the nerve to be their authority figure. Teenagers, even old ones, despise a teacher who seems weak or destructable. They want to feel safe, which means you need to at least appear slightly immovable. You are their faux parental figure, so step up to the plate. No student wants a limp noodle teacher.

To combat your insecurities you need to show up with a serious and solid plan and a shit ton of confidence. You do not care what those rats think. Give them at least one month to judge you because they don’t know anything until they have seen you in action, which they have not.

Show up and make them write. If they moan, their moans are not about you, and if you have an actual concrete plan, their moans will not shake your confidence. You are just a sounding board for their angst-ridden projections.

One option: give them a prompt like “hair” and have them free write. Do not mention the last failed class, do not show your weakness. At all. You never heard them moan, you never left early. Never leave early again. Class time is precious and you can always come up with more writing, discussion or other types of learning exercises.

Have the word “hair” printed and ready on a sheet of paper when they show up, hand that out and make them work. Bring music if you want, to set the mood and calm your nerves and keep them from boredom or whining. Spruce up a dull crowd. This is YOUR classroom.

After this warm-up then have them perform and build some serious trust. That is the first thing you do after they write next time, you make them build trust. This sounds like an oxymoron, forcing trust, but you are the teacher, not the classmate. Never forget that. You are NOT A TEENAGER.

To build trust you discuss what respect and safety mean to the students. Call on them. Be fearless. Have them step up to the plate. When they don’t speak, wait in silence until they do. Silent treatment always yields words. Make a list of how respect looks and even, possibly, have every student sign the list as a pact for a safe classroom. Creativity requires a cradle. Once safe, people tend to express more freely. If they violate the code of respect established, you can ask them to write an assignment, mess with their grade, etc. Respect, you are SHOWING, is no joke.

After they write about hair and after you discuss the meaning of respect and how it will physically look in the classroom, based on their own rules, then you make them read out loud their free writes. MAKE THEM.

You are asking them to own up to their attitudes, to show their boldness only via writing and working. Make sure while they are reading aloud you begin to uphold the precepts of respect that you just established.

And from there you are on your own. The key to a solid class in the midst of fear and worry is PLANNING. With time, and structure, your students will become brilliant little gems.


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June 24, 2010 | 8:44 pm

Did He Come?

Posted by  Merissa Nathan Gerson

Photo

Some men are so used to being stoic and poised they turn to sexual stone.

Dear Yenta,

My friend told me today that she is not sure if her boyfriend is orgasming or not. How common is it for a guy not to be able to come? When she mentioned it to me, I realized there’d been some times when I didn’t know either.

Sincerely,

Perplexed

Dear Perplexed,

I consulted a number of people for help with this answer, because on first glance the answer seems obvious: if there is cum, he orgasmed. Most of the time with men there is evidence of the orgasm because it is marked by ejaculation. You can check the condom or wherever else for this mark of pleasure.

But, as I asked around and read on, I learned that it is actually common for a man not to ejaculate or orgasm during sex. The factors are many and complicated, ranging from spiritual self-control to emotional blockages, lack of attraction, excessive drug and alcohol comsumption, depression and more.

He could be faking it, click here for a list of ways he might do it. Or, there is a condition called “Delayed Ejaculation” which refers to taking 40-45 minutes for a man to ejaculate, both manually and via sex. If he has this condition he might quit before he comes, just out of shame or sympathy. According to Mayo Clinic endocrinologist Todd B. Nippoldt, M.D., potential causes include:

-Trauma to the pelvic nerves.
-A side effect of certain medications, including some antidepressants
-Excessive alcohol use or illicit drug use
-Neurological diseases, such as stroke or nerve damage to the spinal cord

But the most common cause, he says, is psychological. There are a number of reasons a man might not feel ready to let go in bed. There could be old issues, ie trauma, sexual abuse, general shame surrounding sex and more, or new ones, fears of STD’s, fears of impregnating a woman, and/or lack of trust towards his partner.

There is a myth that men are like cowboys in bed, once on the horse they know how to ride. In truth, though, men DO have feelings, emotions, body image issues and more. Step one is acknowledging the humanity of the male species so as to cue into their sensitivities, many of which can keep them from coming.

As always, the first remedy is to talk to your partner about sex. Ask him about letting go with you, about how pleasure feels for him and about how he knows when he orgasms. Tell him the same about yourself. Does he enjoy it? Etc. Some men are accustomed to holding back, and might need some coaxing, a la Frankie and Johnny where Michelle Pfeiffer convinces Robert DeNiro to scream and yell in expression of his release.

Other men have different capacities. One friend informed me that “it’s possible to orgasm w/o cumming – it’s called multiple orgasm, it’s a play between your muscles and timing. There is a brief window where its possible to ‘hold it in’ so to speak, but the orgasm proceeds anyways. It’s rare and/or takes a lot of practice.”

Or, this dude who seems so subdued in bed might be a tantric practitioner and never comes and always enjoys. Basically, you never know what is going on until you build lines of communication so that eventually he feels safe enough to either a) let go or b) share his thoughts and feelings on the thresholds you are crossing together.

Ultimately, like a woman, for a man to let go in bed might involve some tenderness, some affection, maybe even some new crazy bedroom moves. Shame is also part of their sexual education, so do your best to uneducate. Bottom line: check in with your partner and see how he is feeling, maybe even every step of the way.


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June 21, 2010 | 8:40 pm

Dating a Divorcee

Posted by  Merissa Nathan Gerson

Photo

Are you his baggage receptacle? Photo courtesy of www.davidhenrygerson.com

Dear Yenta,

I am sleeping with a man going through a divorce. Is this inherently a bad idea? How do I go about making sure he is not expecting me to fill his ex’s shoes?

-Dating a Divorcee


Dear DaD,

First things first: what are your intentions? Are you looking for a husband, a lover, a partner, a boyfriend, a one night stand, a sugar daddy? Where are you putting your energy and why? If you want a one night stand or a fling, enjoy the man, the sex, and his sudden newly cut strings. If you want more, then read on.

When dating a man for serious whom you know just emerged from another woman/man’s bed, take a few things into account. This man, whether his former relationship was long dead or recently altered, has ties to another human and their personal business. Careful that that drama does not suddenly become yours.

Even if he is with you, and loving you, and amazing, he still has a piece of himself sorting through yesterday’s baggage. This could be as simple as transferring a suitcase from home to home or as complex as dealing with the leftover shards of a cheating/lying/deceptive relationship that may have hurt him. The only thing to be truly wary of in dating a divorcee is this, being fully aware that you may not be receiving the entirety of the man resting in your arms.

Everyone is compartmentalized to some degree. Everyone has some doors to their hearts open, and others not, so in this case it is extra important to communicate. Don’t fall too hard in love with a man with a recent ex without being sure that baggage was shipped to Tahiti with a one way pass. The last thing you want is to be head over heels with a man who suddenly announces he is a) not ready for more commitment b) not over his wife c) not that into you.

Or, as you seem to fear, make sure he doesn’t just want a new version of the old love. Watch him, listen to him, use your intuition and see: is he wounded and seeking you as relief? Or has he moved on, coming to you not as a wet rag, but as a strong and equal partner?

Just keep an honest line to your own heart open, and another line open in conversation with his. Divorcees deserve love too, but the first person you should be worrying about is not the divorcee in distress, but how the whole mess might effect your personal well-being. Don’t get sucked into saving a wounded man if that’s your secret thirst.

Depth with the recently-divorced is like dating two people, the man and his ex, so just remember that and be slightly protective of your heart and very patient. That, and enjoy the wild emergence of a possibly previously repressed man. If your relationship is well-rounded, you will know because you will feel strong. If you feel drained and exhausted, like a giant human band-aid, maybe seek a new lover.


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June 17, 2010 | 8:33 pm

Itchy Pits

Posted by  Merissa Nathan Gerson

Photo

Letting your armpit hair grow might liberate your itchy pores, and challenge the dominant order. Kill two birds with one trashed razor.

Dear Yenta,

My armpits are sometimes itchy, particularly in the evenings. What can
I do about this? Is it my deodorant? Should I be using some sort of
salve? Should you moisturize your pits?

-Itchy Pits

Dear Itchy Pits,

Just think about life as an armpit. It is a repressed and miserable body part, always being shut down. It wants to sweat, we stuff it with chemicals. It wants to be hairy, we strip away its livelihood with live razors and hot wax. If your armpit itches it is speaking to you, crying out for help. Pay close attention and give it a few days off. Let it be itself, hairy and sweaty and smelly.

Once again, as with any health problem, the first step is evaluating the contributing factors to the dilemma. This is often a skipped step en route to medicating, salving, and generally ignoring the causality of the crisis. By failing to address the root cause of a health problem, we run the risk of repeat infections, itches, etc.

First, a list of possible causes. Second, a list of possible cures.

Possible Causes

1) What kind of deodorant do you use? Does it have aluminum in it? Is it a natural brand or is it chemical? Read this BBC article on dangerous deodorants. Antiperspirant can cause itching because it acts by blocking the pores to keep them from secreting moisture. Ick, water shoved back inside your pit might make you itch, just as punishment.
2) Do you shave your armpits? How often? Shaving your armpits not only removes the hair, but it also removes a fine layer of skin. This can, obviously, be irritating. Also, ingrown hairs can cause itching, as well as general razorburn. Sometimes, before the hairs break the surface of the skin, that poking towards the light can cause severe itching.
3) Have you changed products recently? If you switched soaps, deodorants, and/or bath products, shaving cream, etc. you may be allergic. Is there a rash, or just an itch? Bumps or no bumps? Bumps can be razor burn or ingrown hairs, rash can be allergy or razor burn. Oye!
5) Are you wearing tank tops on a hot day? Playing tennis or rowing a boat in that tank top? Chafing of the pits can cause an itch. Put on a T-Shirt already, it’s January.
6) A girl in middle school broke out in a full body rash and had to be sent home because she rubbed marijuana all over her body. Have you been rubbing your pits with poison ivy, poison oak, or marijuana? If so, stop.

Possible Cures

1) Aluminum-Free Deodorant, eg, Crystal Deodorant, Tom’s of Maine, etc. Go to a health food store for this. Click here for an article on the dangers of Aluminum.
3) Ditch the anti-perspirant. Unblock those pores and deal with the humanity of sweat sweating. Buy a deodorant, plain and simple, or pat your pits with baby powder throughout the day. You may need to purify that area after a near lifetime of applying chemicals to conceal your natural musk.
4) Ditch all products. Some people develop stank pits as a double sweat and smell response to the chemical deodorants they use. If you wash your armpits regularly you may find you don’t need deodorant at all. This should kill the itch.
5) Stop shaving for a little while, let those pores and hair follicles do their thing.
6) If you keep shaving, drink more water and prep your pores. Take a bath and then shave. Be sure to change your razor regularly and to use a protective thick cream while shaving. Also, after you shave DO NOT PUT ON DEODORANT. Apply an aftershave salve, either Aloe Vera, an oil like vitamin E, or else some sort of perfume-free bland lotion like basic Cetaphil. Pat, don’t rub those pits dry and treat that newly shaven skin with extra tenderness and care.
7) Exfoliate regularly to keep the skin renewing itself and the hairs beneath it breathing.
8/ Change products again if you have been using new ones. Check your revenue of beauty supplies to be sure you aren’t allergic. Keep your products mild, the less chemicals the more the skin can be skin. If you do think you have an allergy, keep using a mild soap and ditch the other suggestions. Keep that armpit dry and clean until the skin goes back to normal.

For more on reducing sweat naturally, and winning yourself a blonde beau, click here. StopArmPitSweating.net!


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June 14, 2010 | 8:29 pm

Writer’s Block Psychosis

Posted by  Merissa Nathan Gerson

Photo

Careful with your image. Sometimes its a deflection from your reality. Photo courtesy of Victor Jeffreys II, phiary.com/diary/victor.

Dear Yenta,

I have lost the ability write. An initial, hiccupy writer’s block that originated with a piece of assessment I disliked has grown into an all-encompassing loss of words. I get my housemate to dictate birthday cards to relatives because I cannot be sure I’ll say the right thing, and have become lax in replying to emails because the construction of even a simple response is onerous. The only thing I can write is lists, on post-it notes, of all the essays I have to complete. I feel paralyzed, and rather ashamed. It’s only words, after all: how difficult can it be to arrange them into coherent sentences?

This issue is all the more painful because it isn’t new, but rather is something that I thought I’d overcome. I’ve had a rather chequered university career: my transcript alternates between blocks of High Distinctions and Failure: Non-Completions. I was expelled from university for a period of a eighteen months for failure to maintain sufficient academic progress, primarily because I’d failed to hand in essays. This year, I started off very well, handing in essays on time and getting brilliant marks. I’d thought I was fixed. However, here I am again, faced with the voiceless fear when faced with a blank page.

Mute

P.S. This email took me two hours to write, and I don’t like it very much.

Dear Mute,

What you call writer’s block, I call a need for a lasso.  Simple.  Writer’s block has a million causes.  Your particular brand seems to stem from inner voices out of control.  Yes.  You have some internal critic that is on fire and preventing you from expressing yourself.

This is when every move, every thought, every utterance is stuffed back inside out of fear or shame.  If you think you will f up, a piece of you might be chanting, “you will f up.  You will f up.”  That voice’s job is to paralyze your creative expression.

Why the nasty inner mantra?  Only you know.  Be honest.  Stop calling this “writer’s block” and look at it as what it really is, an indulgence of the negative and cruel voices inside of you.  Help yourself.  Get those voices under control and start really living your creative life.

My personal favorite: meditation.  Why?  Because it is gentle, it is self-taught, and in doing it you find a community, depending on how you tackle stillness.  All it does is make you aware of the constant inner monologue in your head, and slowly, through focusing on the breath, teaches you to live without it.  Shambhala centers nationwide offer free meditation instructors who can help guide you through your mind until it is ready to quiet down.

Other things that help?  Stopping the voices before they start with excessive positive affirmations.  “I am smart.  I can write.  I write. Write. Write.  Written.” Try Tara Brach, Ph.D.’s Radical Acceptance for help.  Other ideas: see a cognitive behavioral therapist and explain you need to undo the stifling voices that cut off your writer’s blood flow.  Do whatever you need to uninvite the negative from your daily mental repertoire.

There are a million other ways to cultivate the positive.  Break your normal routine, touch nature whenever possible, exercise more, poison your body less, etc. etc.  You, however, sound like you have some more specific hard work ahead of you, acquainting yourself with your mind so you can do some solid summer cleansing of unneeded mental energy.

To write is a simple act of expression.  We complicate it with pressures and cruelties all our own.  If you don’t trust your voice, or don’t believe in that which you want to express, it is nearly impossible to let it loose.  Mean voices are an addiction.  Get clean.  Stop leaning on the negative and write your manifesta!


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June 10, 2010 | 8:15 pm

My Loud Friend

Posted by  Merissa Nathan Gerson

Photo

Eek, cover your ears. But, be nice.

Dear Yenta,

I have this guy friend who has gone to far too many punk shows and now he is so deaf it is embarrassing to be with him in public because he yells everything. He also gets really pissed if we ask him to quiet down. How do I let him know nicely, that at 32 he needs hearing aids?

-My Loud Friend

Dear MLF,

The mistake thus far has been calling him out on his decibel level in public. Chances are that despite how shameless he seems, he is already aware of his deteriorating hearing and completely ashamed. Also, there is nothing worse than being told to be quiet when you are in the midst of expressing yourself.

Take your friend aside when things are more intimate, less on display, and have an honest conversation in a trusting environment. “Hey, Joe Schmo, I am wondering if you have noticed that you have started speaking extra loudly lately, do you have any idea why that is?” He might be like, “because you are hard of hearing, wench” and spit it back at you, or he might be like, “whoah, really? I don’t remember myself as loud.”

Penny Lane from Almost Famous keeps coming to mind. I keep seeing her passed out in her hotel room after trying to kill herself, so in love with a musician. She never saw her reality, herself without the music and the bands until some kid held her and danced with her and stood by her, witnessing her in her least glamorous form.

An ex-mosher surely doesn’t want to admit his fallibility. Being human can suck when sensory experience wanes, depending on where you started. For a loud concert fan this loss of hearing might be a devastating and ironic reality, losing the ability to appreciate what you love because you were appreciating what you love. Him and Penny Lane, so sad.

So be sweet, go slow, and quietly and gently address the truth of your friend’s fading ears. That, or start wearing earplugs and humor the dude and his altered noise level.

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June 7, 2010 | 8:13 am

Doing It Rough, Safe

Posted by  Merissa Nathan Gerson

Photo

Crawling for her master in the BDSM classic, Secretary.

Dear Yenta,

I have never struck a woman, never even been remotely aggressive. In fact, I might practically be too gentle in bed, and have had complaints from girlfriends who wished I would pump them harder.

On the flip side, I love porn. I not only love porn, I love gruesome porn, like gang-bang porn, close-up on the anal porn, anything that is rough. I am pretty much disgusted sometimes by my own choices, even tend to turn off the videos when I can see that the women in them are numbed out.

Am I a freak? I feel like a bomb waiting to explode.

-Two-Faced Lover

Dear Two-Faced Lover,

On the TV show Six Feet Under there is a whole stretch where all Brenda wants is “normal healthy sex,” which she defines as sex without kinks or tools or whips. She wants a vanilla life in bed so as to somehow prove her sanity.

Brenda, however, was judging herself and her sexual practices by labeling one form of expression “normal.” No one should be judged for what turns them on unless it directly harms the life or health of another, mentally or physically, in an undesirable way. Some women want to be faux-raped, some men want to be tied up and beat up. There is no normal when it comes to sex, it comes in all different kinds of whacked out forms. One thing people make a mistake of doing is judging their sexual choices, attempting to translate “smack my ass” to “wow, I am a real self-inflicted misogynist.”

Sex is its own language, not necessarily an acting out of social order, rather an expression of the subconscious using external props and scenarios as tools. This, in simple terms, means that wanting to bang your girlfriend hard does not mean you hate her and want to kill her (necessarily), rather that that is your source of pleasure. You could exhaust yourself and ruin your sex life by examining your desires, or you could learn to safely integrate them into the bedroom.

In the movie Secretary some crazy things went down between Maggie Gylenhaal and her man including peeing her wedding dress, crawling like a stuffed pig, and more. This seemed messed up to a big chunk of viewers, but it was consenting sex between two partners. Key word, once again, “consenting.”

Do you like the missionary sex you have been having? Is this pornographic roughness something you desire in real life? Or is it just a fantasy? It sounds to me like you are repressed in the bedroom, perhaps terrified of SEEMING like a rapist, an abuser, or some sort of harmful agent. This is the only thing I see as needing examination. Why do you feel that sex must be gentle if you might enjoy it more rough? Are you afraid of emulating some figure that was forceful and abusive to women in your past? Do you see women as fragile puppies? They aren’t.

If you like it in the ass, do it in the ass. If you like it with a rough edge, a pinch, punch or slap, go for it. Just make sure she/he is along for the ride, enjoying it, and not drugged or checked out like some women in the porn you have been watching. (Which, btw, is disturbing to many-a-viewer who likes the idea of roughness, but not the reality. Few trustworthy people want to orgasm while willingly witnessing a teenager being taken actual advantage of.)

As you step off the vanilla sex circuit, perhaps take a few hints from the BDSM community. BDSM stands for Bondage Discipline Sado Mashochism. “For most people who engage in sadomasochism, sensations which normally cause pain, actually evoke sexual pleasure” writes Jessica Burge in According to Sexual Sadomasochism: Abuse or Harmless Play. The difference between rape and desirable roughness is the ability to consent to and control the sexual activity. This community has integrated a whole complex set of rules to keep sex, in any form, safe for the participants.

Safe Words are a big part of naughty role play. These are basically new words for “no” and have to do with upping your bedroom communication skills.

Communication is the key ingredient to good, safe sex. TALK to your sexual partner; state your needs, your fears, your secret so-called “sick” desires. Listen back. She also needs to be more honest. If she wants it rough, she should be able to tell you. See if you two can navigate the dirty space you seek on the interweb, bringing all your most intricate fantasies to life. You never know what your partner wants until you begin to ask.

For more on creating a safe space for rough sex, an expert on S&M communities in major cities writes, “I would suggest just finding the BDSM organization based in the person’s city or in the nearest large city. In DC I think the biggest organization (although I’m not certain, I’m not really involved) is Black Rose (http://www.br.org/), and the website has a lot of great resources for beginners. I’d guess that most organizations like that would be the same.” Black Rose hosts free meetings with a tutorial on how to navigate the space of role-play and sexy violence.

Also, check out these books:

Consensual Sadomasochism: How to Talk About and How To Do It Safely by William A. Henkin and Sybil Holiday

SM 101: A Realistic Introduction by Jay Wiseman

Leatherfolk: Radical Sex, People, Politics, and Practice, edited by Mark Thompson

The Loving Dominant by John and Libby Warren

For more on the ethics of the whole sexual expression business, check out Women’s Studies course listings. I took an amazing class with the brilliant Professor Rebecca Lester at Washington University in St. Louis called Gender, Culture and Madness.

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June 6, 2010 | 8:23 pm

Relationship: Now or Later?

Posted by  Merissa Nathan Gerson

Photo

Maybe you are meant to be making chocolate in the rainforest right now, instead of making love.

Hey Yenta,

The older I get the more I seem to be confused about what I want in a
relationship and who I want to have it with. I always thought that as
I got older this would get easier, but it turns out that as I accrue
more life experience I’m more interested by new kinds of people, by
new ideas and different experiences. I’m eager for a relationship
but am overwhelmed with the possibilities and often write things off
before they can develop, thinking they’re not what I want.

Can you offer any help?

-Quarterlife Angst


Dear Quarterlife Angst,

If you are at the quarterlife mark then I will place you at 25, because I want you to live to 100 with this person you will eventually find.

There are all kinds of people. Some, by 25 or 27 are ready to settle down. They have committed to a career-choice or a city, have found someone that they can see being with for the rest of their lives. Those people might have a second youth in their fifties when their children are raised, or when they decide to retire. Others, however, do those youthful fifty-something years earlier on, in their twenties. Those people, people like you, are not quite ready for partnered love despite the knee-dropping question-popping happening all around them.

Maybe you are in love with the world, your heart passed to many daily, instead of to one. To find lasting one-on-one love I like to think you need to first love yourself and your own life. If life is giving you newness and opportunity right now, then take it and run with it. It is probably teaching you and showing you things that you can later use in relationships.

If every potential mate you meet seems sub-par, they may very well be. There are tons of people in the world, but only a few that should be brought close to your inner sanctum. If you feel the suitors are unfit, so be it. Being picky is not stupid. Being single is not a sin. Time is not running out. Your heart is made of gold and should only be offered to someone you can be sure will honor and appreciate it as such.

If, however, you think you SHOULD be ready to commit NOW, then seek assistance exploring the reasons each date feels wrong. You can do this on your own, in fact, you should do this on your own. Keep tabs on the qualities that turn you on and turn you off. A vision for your future, a clear picture of the type of love you seek is a good thing to cultivate. That way, when love, the right love, finally does come along, you will not think twice because you will recognize it, trust it, and be ready to finally make that commitment.

Live it up, soak it up, enjoy your twenties and the rollercoaster they provide. Try to ignore social expectations and to follow your own heart. Read Sonia Choquette’s cheesy but valuable, insightful and helpful Trust Your Vibes: Secret Tools for Six-Sensory Living. That stable committed life will come, and when it does, you will be glad you chose this time to experience all you could.

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