May 31, 2010 | 7:45 am

Dinner Party Faux Pas

Posted by  Merissa Nathan Gerson

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Dear Yenta,

I’ve invited people to dinners several times and they have not invited me over. What gives? Have people lost their manners?

-Dining Solo

Dear Dining Solo,

Everyone goes through dry spells in their social lives. These spells are often a result of a) poor circumstances b) bad choice of company and c) sometimes when people are going through hard times they can be crap company for any number of reasons, ie, neediness, abrasiveness, general hostility, controlling conversations or for being plain old boring.

My first questions would be, who are you inviting over and why? Are these people you really truly like, people who you truly connect with, or are you inviting guests over to fill a void?

When I was little my mom taught me to ALWAYS invite people if they had invited me. I was taught to include absolutely everyone and to make an effort to help people feel comfortable wherever they were. But when I done growed up, I found it tedious to be including people who didn’t enhance my dinner table.

It is important to give just to give, not to receive. Invite people without expectation, have them over and enjoy them for what they are and don’t expect a reciprocal invitation. Giving is not predicated upon receiving.
If the thirst for a return invitation is glaringly obvious it turns off your guests, who don’t want to be cornered into social commitment. This is actually the pits, when you get attached to an outcome with a new friend and practically yank at their shirt to hold on to them and their company. Nobody puts baby in a corner. It will drive them off, far off.

Also, not everyone likes having people over. Often times you invite people to dinner who don’t even host their own dinners, let alone cook. So what you take as an insult is actually a logistical dilemma. Andrea Zuckerman never invited anyone from Beverly High over because she lived in the projects and they all lived in mansions. (That and she was lying about her identity.)

In the end, I think the trick here is to host a dinner for the fun of it and to always be sincere about who you invite. Maybe suggest you do dinners more often, see if that suggestion prompts them to want to have you over in return. Often times the dinner-party-haver seems so confident and so popular that people don’t even bother reaching out. Make your needs and desires clear, “this was fun, let’s do it again soon.” Maybe even say you’ll call them soon, and then CALL THEM.

People may also have, as you said, simply lost their manners. Remember that everyone is raised differently, and that even though you aren’t being invited to dinner, you may be overlooking their expression of gratitude and friendship in a less predictable form. Be open to being cared for in more than one way, not just via dinner invitations. One wise woman once said, “A kiss is not a contract.” I would say the same goes for invites.

Ask Yenta an anonymous question!  Send an e-mail via www.send-email.org to merissag[at]gmail[dot]com.

May 27, 2010 | 8:07 am

Loving the Unobtainable

Posted by  Merissa Nathan Gerson

Dear Yenta,

I have constantly fallen into a pattern of choosing guys who are emotionally unavailable, yet continue to stay with/obsess about them. Why is this? How do I break this pattern?

-Vapid Dates

Dear VD,

I would say half the humans in the world do what you do, and the other half somehow found a way not to. You are not the only fool in love, I guarantee. That being said, there is a deeper implication to choosing emotionally unavailable humans to whom you willingly hand over your heart. It is like putting your eggs in an obviously broken basket.

In the words of the great Jenny Lewis, “You are what you love, not what loves you back.” When you choose a lover, you are always subconsciously aware of what they will hold for you. Their heart is a mirror of your own. People are wise, even if they don’t always admit it. You know from a lifetime of living what mannerisms, facial expressions, body language and general demeanor imply in a potential partner. Whether we pay attention to what we know is a whole other story.

The problem is rooted in your own heart. Subconsciously you wittingly choose to love people who are unavailable, choosing the love you think you deserve. What are you trying to tell yourself? As Martin Buber suggests we ask in The Way of Man, “Where art thou?” This is a simple question, one meant not to chart a GPS location, but a more emotional and metaphysical grid. Where are you? What drives your thirst for these partners?

When choosing unobtainable love it is often a way of revealing that a piece of your heart may be wounded. As Jenny Lewis sings:

This is no great illusion
When I’m with you I’m looking for a ghost
Or invisible reasons
To fall out of love and run screaming from our home.

Perhaps you aren’t ready to be loved, and by choosing these men, you are physically illustrating the state of your own interior. That, and cutting love’s aorta before it even begins to pump any blood. Ie, you choose the love you think you deserve, which is not love at all.

One way to cure this habit it to watch yourself. Get all Buddhist on your mismo, and begin to observe your thoughts around men, your drive for desire, your reasons for choosing each partner. Watch, breathe, release judgment, notice, observe. Click here for very basic meditation instruction. Your life choices are trying to reveal something to you so you can, in fact, find a partner that loves you as much as you love them. A broken heart is just a bump on the road to learning how to really love yourself and, eventually, another.

For more clues, evaluate your past, bring on the Freud, and begin to look at what patterns raised you. Was one parent always giving and the other taking? Is your model for love one based in neglect and/or abuse? Or is it less complex? Are you simply not ready for love, and therefore attempting to jump in based on social expectation, and sinking dreadfully because of a lack of preparedness?

Only you know your heart, where it has been, and where it wants to go. Intimacy can be really difficult if your trust was broken along the way, and choosing love as torture might just be an old habit that does not want to die. Check in and see what love means to you, if it is about support and growth and a sense of safety, or if you are still living the wild high school edge of pining for the senior boy that was out of reach, but the thirst was thrilling enough.

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May 24, 2010 | 8:05 am

Yeastie Beastie 101

Posted by  Merissa Nathan Gerson

Dear Yenta,

I’ve got a yeast infection and it will not go away. I’ve tried pills. I’ve tried witchhazel wipes. I’ve tried cranberry juice. I’ve eaten yogurt. And I’m afraid it’s spreading to the nether regions in the back. What do I do? Help me Yenta!!!

-Itchy

Dear Itchy,

First and foremost a reminder/disclaimer: I am not a doctor. A am a Jewish woman in New Mexico with a penchant for people’s problems. That being said: take the following words, as always, with a fat grain of sea salt and consult your doctor before putting anything new inside your vagina. Your infection can be a sign of pregnancy, allergies, or HIV. A prolonged yeast infection might be a warning sign of diabetes or a thyroid problem. Consult a doctor if these are concerns of yours, or, see the list below of other causes.

What is a yeast infection? An excess of the yeast Candida swimming and swarming in your body causing any number of symptoms including itching, soreness, cottage cheese-like discharge, and possible painful urination.

Why do YOU have one? Only you can answer that. Things that might provoke a yeastie-beastie and ways to prevent one in the future:

-Excessive moisture, ie, don’t wear a wet bathing suit after the pool closes. Do what you can to keep that region dry, despite the oxymoron. Yeast lives and breathes off of dark moist locations making the vag and the mouth, stellar spots for an infection.
-Tight non-cotton undies that retain moisture. Wear cotton if possible, at least until the symptoms heal. Cotton lets your parts breathe.
-Tight pants causing more heat in your crotch than normal. Wear lose pants this week, we are looking for air down there.
-Antibiotics, birth control pills, or bad meds. These things can change the balance of your stomach. Best to keep a lot of probiotics in your body to create the right yeasts. Consult your medication prescriber.
-One source claims to beware of excessive semen. Have you been cultivating this substance? Be careful, it can be too acidic for your bod and might be what brought on the itch.
-Are you wiping from front to back or back to front? Fecal bacteria can cause a yeast infection. Always wipe from front to back to avoid mixing milk and meat.
-Are you stressed? Stress can cause issues in the stomach whioch, again, can create imbalance and throw you into a cottage cheese producing fit.
-Douching is the devil. Who wants a vagina that smells like flowers, not vagina? Fine. Some people like that stuff, but I am warning you it is terrible for the body. Terrible. And causes infections and might be a sign of misogyny. Same goes for feminine deodorants, these cause yeast infections. Ironic, indeed.

What can you do now? You were on the right track with the juice, the wipes, the yogurt, etc. But here is a list of other steps you can take. If all natural remedies fail and the itching is torture, then go for Monastat at CVS. Remember, though, that chemical medications mess with your system and skip the step where your body learns to heal itself, a huge bonus for preventing future infections.

1 ) Put the yogurt in your vagina. Sounds gross, but it is soothing and gentle and immediately effective. Buy plain yogurt with no additives, especially not sugar, and ACTIVE CULTURES. You can either dip a tampon in the yogurt and insert, or use a plastic bag, cut a litttle hole in the corner, and squirt the cultures inside your body. Just be sure not to leave it in too long. Best to wait until the itching subsides and then wipe all the yogurt off. Moisture, again, is to be avoided. Stay dry, pumpkin pie.

2 ) Check your diet. Curb your sugar intake to zero if possible, and lay off caffeine, yeast-products and alcohol until your infection has diminished. Sugar is yeast’s best friend. Have you ever made bread? Add the sugar to the yeast and it bubbles and expands. You DON’T want that happening in your pants.

3 ) Shaklee Garlic Tabs. Put one in your hole. Done. It should take care of business. Maybe, though, choose garlic or yogurt, I don’t think you want to mix these bad boys. Also, a spoonful of pressed garlic downed with some water should help from the inside out. Just beware: you will reek, but you won’t itch. Pick your poison.

4 ) One dude said, “Take a bath in vinegar.” I think he was kidding, but he was right. Pour a cup of Bragg’s Apple Cider Vinegar in a warm bath to soothe your body. Also, a spoonful in the morning a half hour before breakfast is good for your belly. Belly connects to bowels connect to vagina. Often yeast infections start in the rear and work their way forward.

5 ) Probiotics. Get yourself some Acidophilus. The chewable strawberry ones from Whole Foods are a personal favorito. These make it so you are making healthy cultures in your tum.

6 ) Drink two glasses of buttermilk a day. Not sure I stand by this one, for the sake of your arteries, but I want you to have as many options as possible.

7 ) PeaceHealth.org says to insert Boric Acid tablets into the vagina. Again, never done this. Proceed at own risk.

8 ) Take oil extracts of cinnamon and oregano.

9 ) An acupuncturist told me a yeast infection somehow connects to a need for love. I don’t totally buy it, but why not? Pretty much everyone needs more love, so to cure your yeast infection seek a hug.

10 ) And the best thing you can do for yourself? Drink water, and more water, and more after that. Don’t drown yourself, but do try to flush your body clean of toxins like sugar and alcohol that may be feeding the yeast. Also, the more you replenish your body with H2O the more new fresh happy fluids arrive to wash the yeast away.

Ask Yenta an anonymous question!  Send an e-mail via www.send-email.org to merissag[at]gmail[dot]com.

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May 20, 2010 | 7:54 am

Painful Pap

Posted by  Merissa Nathan Gerson

Dear Yenta,

At my pap smear last week it was a horrible, failed attempt. Not uncomfortable, not awkward, but excruciatingly painful. The doctor kept telling me to relax, and I was trying (it was hard – this doctor had the worst bedside manner), but I guess I just couldn’t. I was so tense that the doctor gave up, or maybe I kicked the doctor out. But at some point, the doctor indicated that she didn’t know what my problem was and then asked if I had every been sexually assaulted. It’s probably a fair question. But my response was “not that I’m aware of,” because that’s the truth. I don’t think so, but clearly I have some issues down there, and I don’t know why. But the really weird thing is that I started crying after I answered her (and truth be told, I’ve started crying every time I’ve thought about it since, including now).

I’ve had sex once. Or we tried to. But it was really painful, so we stopped. There was penetration, which I know because it was really bad pain and significant bleeding. My boyfriend at the time was traumatized. We stopped. It hasn’t happened since. I haven’t dated anyone since – and a major reason why I haven’t wanted to date anyone is probably because I’m scared of having this conversation with the next guy. I shouldn’t feel traumatized by sex and I don’t want to traumatize anyone else.

Do I need a therapist? Or just a better ob/gyn? They’re all so impatient with me and the pain. Please help me. This is the first time I’ve expressed this to anyone.

Sincerely,

Terrified

Dear Terrified,

If I had giant wings, I would reach down and wrap them around you. I am so sorry that you have been going through this, and completely alone, no less. Unfortunately, what is happening to you is completely normal.

There are a number of things to address here. First, a well-trained doctor would never be angry with a woman for being in pain and afraid. I will say that your doctors sound like they have been poorly educated. An OBGYN should be well trained at the art of entering a woman’s body, and considering the prevalence of sexual abuse, they should almost always approach a body with this in mind.

What I have heard from therapists and midwives along the road is that they are not thoroughly trained in sexual abuse, memory repression, orgasm dysfunction and other troubles in the pelvic region unless working specifically in the field. You absolutely CAN expect to find a sensitive doctor, gyno, or therapist who knows about physical trauma and treats your body with care.

Things you can do as a patient to protect yourself: search for doctors who have experience with feminist philosophy, sexual abuse, and other similar themes. Always take it upon yourself to inform your doctors of your condition. Enter every appointment, despite the awkwardness, and say, “Hi, I have some issues with pain and fear in my vaginal region. I don’t know the root of it, but I often panic in the stirrups, so please handle me with care.” If they are still rough, leave the office and write the medical association.

Second, whether you were or weren’t sexually assaulted or abused may, at this moment, be beside the point. The most important thing on your menu is dealing with this sense of trauma, and being sure to find help so that you don’t drown in the pain that revolves around these intense and sensitive issues. Find a therapist, ASAP. You can go the physical route and find a physical therapist who specializes in “pelvic floor therapy.” These PT’s have extensive training in the myriad of vaginal pain dysfunctions and skills to work with them directly. You must, however, be comfortable with the therapist as the majority of their work is manually soothing this part of the body.

To address the emotional, and for guidance on how to handle your particular dilemma call The National Sexual Assault Hotline, which helps with everything from panic to seeking counseling on the phone and online. Call 1-800-656-HOPE or go to RAINN.org. This is free, so whether you do or don’t have insurance, were or weren’t abused, you can still start here.

With insurance or other forms of payment there are a number of gentle body-centered therapeutic modalities that don’t involve going inside your body. Specifically search for a practitioner with childhood trauma, sexual health, sexual abuse and or feminist modalities on their profile. You can call a therapist and ask for a phone consultation, see if you feel comfortable talking to them before shelling out the dough. A few other gentle modalities (click on the name for a link to therapists) that might appeal to you: Body Psychotherapy , EMDR , and The Alexander Technique. Another route? See a Sexologist. Also, a regular yoga practice and acupuncture treatments can drastically reduce the effects of trauma on the body and mind.

Steer clear of anyone who thinks you are making things up. The body never lies, and yours is clearly trying to tell you something, what, we can’t be sure. A good therapist will know that the whole truth cannot come out in just a few hours, especially if the patient can’t even access it on her own.

The inability to recall trauma is a normal. The body is a giant store of information, and often our minds can’t stomach the truth. There is a common phenomenon among survivors of abuse that involves forgetting large chunks of personal history. Dissociation to memory can occur for a number of reasons ranging from a failure to encode memory because you emotionally blacked out, all the way to a built-up repression over time that prevents you from being capable of accessing certain painful memories. See books below for more on this phenomenon.

Whether it is trauma or something else, I want you to find love and be happy. By honestly facing the physical pain, and exploring that pain with trained professionals who address the mind and the body, professionals who specialize in these types of issues, you will find love again, once you heal some of these wounds so that trust is again possible. Be patient though, healing is not easy and it takes time.

Books that may help:

For Women Only: A Revolutionary Guide to Reclaiming Your Sex Life by Doctors Jennifer and Laura Berman and/or check out their clinic’s website in Chicago.

Sexual Healing: Transforming the Sacred Wound,
Healing Trauma: A Pioneering Program for Restoring the Wisdom of Your Body, and Waking the Tiger: The Innate Capacity toTransform Overwhelming Experiences, all by Peter Levine

The Body Remembers: The Psychophysiology of Trauma and Trauma Treatment by Babette Rothschild

For information on men and sexual trauma, click here.

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May 17, 2010 | 7:47 am

Sayonara, Don Juan!

Posted by  Merissa Nathan Gerson

Dear Yenta,

I started dating/sleeping with a guy I recently met in my social group. After a short time I realized he’s an egomaniac, and the sex isn’t as good as I thought. How do I end it and still make it feel okay to see him socially?

-Doing a Narcissist

Dear DAN,

Gross, sex with an egomaniac can’t be good. I just imagine you two on a bed while he watches himself in the mirror, posing in all sorts of odd positions, you naked in his peripheral vision.

If you want to stop sleeping with him AND preserve the love, you need to step up and be the mature and amicable adult. This means give him a little hug and say you are through, that’s the easy part.

I consulted a sage on the topic of ending casual sexual relationships and his advice is as follows:

“I would say
End it in a nice way
Offer a hug or whatever

Say you still want to be friends

And then it’s up to you to be comfortable around him, even if he doesn’t take it well at first.”

The hard part is two-fold. A) Sticking to your decision to leave a man once you announce an exit can be hard when the relationship is only about sex. You will have to be strong and hold to your word. This not only keeps you honest, but also works towards issue B. B) You need to smile and be a warm friendly presence when you see this dude again if you want friendship. It is basically up to you to keep things as un-awkward as possible. So, vow to be normal and nice in the future, and see if you can handle your decision.

Awkward is contagious, and so is grace. But beware, some men have a resistance to forgiveness and feel generally castrated by the ending of a sexual relationship. Others take a hot minute to come around after being dissed, so be patient. If in time he can’t handle being as sweet as you choose to be, then cut your losses at that. What’s worse? Dissatisfactory sex with a self-stroking egomaniac, or, life without him as you search for a proper lover?

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May 13, 2010 | 7:32 am

Bedside STD Whispers

Posted by  Merissa Nathan Gerson

Dear Yenta,

I enjoyed your recent guidance regarding avoiding STD’s, but I’m
struggling with the practical implementation of some of your advice.
Specifically, how exactly does one politely ask a potential sexual
partner if he or she is presently infected with a venereal disease?

What would the Yenta say in such a situation?

And moreover, if the person is forthcoming enough to reveal an
infection how do you politely tell the person that you are no longer
interested in pursuing a physical relationship?

Thanks,
Safest Sex

Dear Safest Sex,

When I was a sex educator in high school, we were taught all different ways to tell if someone had an STD. What we learned, besides that if you wrap a man’s penis in a towel soaked in vinegar that spots might show if he has sub-surface warts, was that you really can never tell who has an STD.

Some STD’s have no symptoms, others take up to six months to show and go in and out of remission. This is just meant as a reminder of how vital the “talk” is. Part of having a healthy sex life is being able to talk about sex. If you can’t talk to your partner about sex, then chances are you aren’t ready to be having it.

That being said, the question is not so much, “do you have a venereal disease?” as much as a general discussion around exposure. All of us should be getting tested with our partners, and this conversation is one that revolves around the potential for sex. “Hey honey baby, I like you and things have been heating up. I think we should be safe if we decide to go further. Can we talk about this?”

Safe includes, “when was the last time you were tested for STD’s? Have you been sexually active since then?” This is a question about health maintenance, not so much about “are you infected?” For those who love a one night stand, a good litmus test for how things will go in the sack is how your lover can handle this simple question.

The truth is, though, with sex-hungry strangers: they might lie. The only way to truly prevent STD’s is to not have sex until tested WITH your partner. (Or become a devoted masturbater.)

That being said, let’s say your lover is infected. Before deciding it is grounds for dismissal, I think it is really important to research how to enjoy sexual activity with STD’s. Basically, avoid connecting open wounds, etc with blood, semen, and general body fluids, use a condom/dental dam, etc., and be creative. In 40 Days and 40 Nights the sexual chemistry was so intense, Josh Hartnett used an orchid to provoke an orgasm without even laying a finger on his lady-friend.

For those of you with STD’s wanting to talk to your partner about having one, click here for more help. One thing I loved on this site was this woman’s advice about how saying you have an STD is not a confession, rather, it is a discussion. There shouldn’t be filth or shame attached to divulging the truth. Anyone could have one. There is no moral code to venereal disease.

For those of you with STD’s who feel doomed to sexual solitude, try PositiveSingles.com. Way easier to start with the truth and go from there.

And finally, if you feel that an STD is grounds for dumping your partner, then chances are you didn’t love them too much to begin with. Be honest, “I can’t have sex with you if you are infected, but it was fun while it lasted.” There is no polite way to dismiss someone for their disease. Follow the same code you would use if you were ending a strictly sexual relationship. Usually it starts with the door.

Best thing to do is to ask yourself what you would do with your lover if you knew they had an STD before having the conversation. If the answer is, “walk,” then walk first, before hurting someone. Getting physical isn’t worth causing people emotional pain. Sex is fun, but if you really care about someone, you will find a way to make love to them, regardless.

Ask Yenta an anonymous question!  Send an e-mail via www.send-email.org to merissag[at]gmail[dot]com.

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May 10, 2010 | 7:28 am

What Will I Be When I Grow Up?

Posted by  Merissa Nathan Gerson

Dear Yenta,

Will I be happy with the career I choose, and for that matter, which
will I choose?

-Couched

Dear Couched,

While I am not a psychic, I do love Martin Buber, a famous Jewish philosopher who wrote a number of books addressing, on a basic level, how to live and breathe in the world.

In his book, The Way of Man: According to the Teaching of Hasidism, Buber writes of how Rabbi Baer of Radoshitz once said to his teacher, the “Seer” of Lublin: “‘Show me one general way to the service of [the best that you can be].’ The zaddik replied: ‘It is impossible to tell [people] what way they should take. For one way to serve [the best that you can be] is through learning, another through prayer, another through fasting, and still another through eating. Everyone should carefully observe what way his [or her] heart draws [them] to, and then choose this way with all [their] strength.”

Buber’s method is based on the presumption that a divine spark lives in every thing and being. He sees life as an opportunity to realize this spark, and to use it to better the world. Tikkun Olam is a fundamental Jewish value that literally means, “To repair the world.” Anyone, Jewish or non, can use these guidelines in search of a career. As Buber says, “[The best that you can be] dwells wherever [an individual] lets [this] in.” He suggests you, “Seek peace in your own place,” find a way to live with yourself, and use this as a model as to how to live in the world.

I had a boyfriend once who believed that a job was where you made money, and that after work you were meant to do the things you love. I always disagreed, a strong believer in using the hours from 9-5 to BOTH earn a living AND do what you love. It sounds like a privilege, but I also believe that with a strong vision you get what you wish for. Wishing for things, though, is the hard part.

According to my friend, Mendy, an Orthodox Jew in Yeshiva (intensive religious study), “it is known that life is 20% of what happens and 80% of what you make of it.” He suggests that a person evaluate themselves with a true friend or wise mentor, and see in what field their skills are best suited to, as well as in which field they have the best chances of succeeding and then go for it all the way. He also said that the texts state that whatever is hardest for you is what you are meant to do with your life.

This sounds obvious, but rarely do we stop and assess ourselves. Make a list of the things you have enjoyed in your life. Make a list of the things you have done to better someone else, or the world. As Buber writes, “How about forgetting yourself and thinking of the world?” List your skills, list moments where you felt fulfilled. Find what those moments were, what fed them, what you did to make them happen. You will know when you find the right path because your life will feel right, your body will relax, and people around you will smile more often than you thought possible.

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May 6, 2010 | 7:25 am

New Year’s STD No-No

Posted by  Merissa Nathan Gerson

Dear Yenta,

On New Year’s Eve I got a little stupid. I hate the holidays because I lost my sister to an accident a few year’s back and things get emotionally ugly around Christmas. This year I got wasted and slept with someone who I knew had genital warts. I was drunk and not thinking and feeling like crap and am worried now that I might have infected myself. I pretty much hate myself right now. Fix it?

Ugh. Happy 2010.

-Ready for Next Year to Come

Dear RFNYTC,

I don’t think I can fix this one for you, but I can give you a virtual hug and try to help you stop hating yourself. STD’s are the devil, they sneak around every corner. The worst element of the suckers is that people think they are alone and feel ashamed of having been sexual.

Maybe sit on the subway or on the bus or at the airport and take a look around. According to Simplexlove.com, “One in five people in the United States has an STD.” So clearly, if you are standing in a sea of humans who appear to be healthy, perfect, and normal, chances are they are perfect and normal with some sort of itch, burn or growth down below. Don’t hate yourself for being human in a diseased age.

Do, however, learn from your mistakes. You may or may not have an STD. Regardless, take this as an opportunity to do a few things.

For one, perhaps, knowing that this time of year brings up memories, pain and grief, it is best to take some precautions in the future. Line up a less tempting New Year’s plan, connect with whatever supports you, be it religion, nature, sports, friends, family, therapy, hot springs, you name it. Just make sure, like brushing your teeth and changing your sheets, you find time in advance to plan the darkest weeks of the year so that when you do fall apart, you don’t fall to pieces.

Second, deal with your sex life. With or without an STD, sex can be fun, crazy, and whatever else you wish it to be. In truth, though, humans at this point are walking infections, so make sure you take precautions to protect yourself from contracting piggyback sexually transmitted diseases. Generally, when you have one, it makes you way more susceptible to more because your immunity is weakened.

Make sure, in the words of Salt N Pepa, that you talk about sex and STD’s. A bedside conversation can be a) revealing b) trust-provoking c) sobering and d) vital to the safety of both you and your buddy.

If you are having sex with a long-term partner, get tested before you get nasty. If you are having sex with randoms, get tested regularly as well. If playing with strangers, there are a number of new tips to follow. For one, remember that fluid, not sex, causes disease transmission. And with some, simple contact does the job, ie, rubbing against sores, warts, and so on will pass the STD on without any secretions to begin with.

Know that you are taking a risk with any stranger, and be sure to keep your genitals either covered in latex, dental dams, condoms and the like, or limit your games to hands reaching across a bed. Be creative, intercourse is not the only road to release. As Mary-Kate put it on Weeds, “My virginity is for my husband, but that doesn’t mean we can’t have some fun.” Abstinence is not just for Jesus-believers. Sex without intercourse can be equally satisfying, if not twice as erotic and way less risky. We haven’t even mentioned babies.

And lastly, forgive yourself. Everyone makes messy mistakes when they are miserable. Some hurt their friends or family, others abuse drugs and alcohol. Still others resort to sex, to violence, to self-abuse, to animal abuse and more: the “evil” deeds of humans are countless, and almost always are a result of poorly managed pain. Suffering, or really the avoidance of suffering, often leads to poor choices. You are no sinner, just maybe need a hug.

For more help with STD questions:

Call Planned Parenthood National Hotline, 1-800-230-PLAN (7526), Available 24/7, counseling and clinic referral on STDs, pregnancy and other sexual health issues.

Also check out Go Ask Alice through Columbia University for answers to more specifics and MTV’s It’s Your Sex Life for answers to EVERYTHING sexual.

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