March 21, 2010 | 7:44 pm

When Your Lover Lacks

Posted by  Merissa Nathan Gerson

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Dearest Yenta,

My girlfriend has an extremely taxing job, regularly working 14 hours
a day. She’s really bad at giving me accurate time estimates — she
tells me 8, I think no earlier than 10 — and we live together, so
this has a real effect on my life and our plans. She also has a
stronger need of privacy than I do, so she won’t always tell me about
her schedule, new elements of her job that might affect our life
together, etc. The combo of her absence and her hesitancy to share
details with me make me really paranoid and sensitive, and I wind up
getting angry at her in a pouty, non-productive way. When were
together I am happy as a clam, but when were apart and incommunicado,
I go into a spiral of bad feelings and mistrust. I’ve tried to get
her to do little things that I know would calm me down (texting,
less-hopeful time estimates) but she can’t seem to do them.
Basically I’m at my wits end. She’s said that her hours aren’t
permanent, and I have no doubt of our feelings for each other, but I
just can’t cope some days…

Sincerely,

In Need of New Strategy

Dear INONS,

You might not only need a new strategy, you might need a new girlfriend. The key to communication in any relationship is that both parties are involved. If you are reaching out and she is backing away, shirking her commitment to honesty, and generally ignoring your needs and requests than I can’t say I’ll fight for her right to have you. Especially since you sound kind, sincere and devoted, meaning you deserve an amazing woman with whom you feel safe and heard.

There are a few unknown factors that could mean she is worth keeping. How long have you been dating? Months? Years? Longer? If you have made a deep commitment over time, and this issue is suddenly coming up, then it is indicative of a need to sit down and see what is bubbling beneath the surface. Perhaps your “pouty” replies are yielding further deception. This could simply mean you need new relationship tools. Try
Communication Miracles for Couples: Easy and Effective Tools to Create More Love and Less Conflict by Jonathan Robinson.

If, however, this is a fairly new relationship or this has been going on for a very long time, chances are it is time to jump ship. Why? Because whenever you find yourself worrying about your relationship on a daily basis, or even weekly, something is wrong. Trust is something that is built between two people, and your girlfriend does not seem to value yours. If she did, she might try to accommodate your needs for clearer communication.

There is a difference between needing “privacy” and actively withholding information to drive your partner insane with unease. While you should, in theory, be able to accept your partner’s ways and still feel safe and loving towards her, these “ways” sound less a matter of character and more a matter of choice. Your lack of ability to “cope” some days may be reason enough to be brave, face yourself, and seek some therapeutic assistance in whatever form suits you. Choosing a relationship like this is reflective of deeper unmet needs and issues.

Tons of people have jealousy and trust issues, but a good and solid relationship should quell most of these fears. That happiness you feel in her company should carry over to the times without her. Balance between two people means that your weaknesses are different, so you can be strong for each other. If you have fears of abandonment and/or cheating, then you need a partner who you can be sure is being honest, forthright, and present so that your doubts never come up. As impossible as this sounds, it is feasible. For help with this try, Why Can’t You Read My Mind? Overcoming the 9 Toxic Thought Patterns that Get in the Way of a Loving Relationship by Jeffrey Bernstein and Susan Magee.

Generally we are taught socially to commit quickly, even if it isn’t right, and in this case it sounds like you might need to start going against the norm, get single, and find a woman who can really meet your needs so you don’t live in a constant state of anxiety. According to the Talmud, everyone has a beshert, someone they are meant to be with. I have faith in this idea, and believe that when you do find the right partner, a lot of this anxiety will melt away and loving will be the easy part.

Other things to help you on the path to good love:
Unplugging the Patriarchy by Lucia René
or
A Course in Love: A Self-Discovery Guide for Finding Your Soulmate by Joan M. Gattuso

March 18, 2010 | 7:39 pm

Are All Bartenders Perpetual Boys?

Posted by  Merissa Nathan Gerson

Dearest Yenta,

I did the unthinkable, or rather, performed the ultimate cliche, I
hit on a bartender. In fact, I didn’t even have the balls to do it
myself, so my more forward friend did it for me. It worked and
perhaps I should have had more faith. In any event, we have hung out
once already. But the question remains (having dated bartenders
before): are all bartenders boys (as opposed to men)?

Yours,

Gentle Gentile

Dear GG,

Essentially you are asking if male bartenders are perpetual boys. I am hesitant to make a blanket statement here, after all, some of my favorite men have been barbacks.

To begin, what are the qualities of a good bartender? What gets one hired? They need to be friendly, or at least feign friendly with stellar people skills. This is one thing to remember when you meet a man behind a bar. His amicable nature may or may not have anything to do with liking you, as much as being damn good at his job.

They need to be tough enough to handle a loud room full of drunk people. This means that, depending on whether you frequent a dive bar, a hotel bar, or a sports bar the staff will be as hard as the customers, in order to create balance. So, toughness means bigger walls means less odds of getting through to their soft side quickly.

A bartender needs to not mind being around alcohol, all the time. When I was a waitress at a bar it wore on me. I didn’t drink much and felt weakened by handling liquor, giving it to people who clearly had an unhealthy dependency: ie, the man who needed five margaritas in two hours just to write a term paper, or the couple who got drunk on a couch and nearly made a baby in the middle of the restaurant at 11am. A bartender, a good one, needs to have a callous against the addictions and poisonous behaviors of others.

This might be indicative of a troubled past that conditioned him for this environment, a smart internal self-imposed division, or a strong attachment to perpetual adolescence. Because of the variety of venues, the good pay, and the pull from all different directions, bartenders run the gammet. I’ve known PhD students, cheerleaders, photographers, punk rockers, hairdressers, architects, activists, musicians and philosophers all who tended bar.

Also, keep in mind what a bar is. It is not a temple or a silent retreat. It is a place where people go to enjoy liquor. Some enjoy it for the art of the beverage, connoisseurs of fine tastes. Others arrive, en mass, to blow off steam. Bartenders can be therapists to these people. Some people go to bars for fun, for long late hours, and others go quite specifically to get laid. This is the fast-paced money-making environment your bartender beau chose to enter for work, with rough hours and lots of people hitting on them into the wee hours of the night.

So, this idea of man as boy might just be your witnessing all of these qualities in an individual who, again depending on the bar, may live at a perpetual party. I know solid married bartenders, monogamous bartenders, and bartenders who might as well be teenaged boys attempting to screw as many people as possible before they die. Choose your bartender based on bar, clientele, his outside interests/well-roundedness, and your own basic instinct. And remember, there are no rules. After all, Miranda found the father of her child in a lovely bartender.

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March 16, 2010 | 7:42 pm

Mother-In-Law Mayhem

Posted by  Merissa Nathan Gerson

Dear Yenta,

My husband left me and my son 6 months ago. His mother was a great
help to me and friend during and after the divorce. However, I found
out about 2 months ago that all her help was covered by lies. She was
trying to take my child away from me and telling people who live in
our small town that I am an abusive, neglectful mother who is ruining
my son. I confronted her about this and she did not deny any of it.
Since the confrontation, I haven’t seen her, or her husband. We
haven’t spoken, but she still tells people that I am a horrible
mother. Her son, my ex-husband, finally stood up to her and told her
to stop, but it hasn’t.
I feel like my son is going to miss out getting to know that side of
his family, but every time I try to mend the bridge between us, it
blows up in my face. I have quit trying, but feel like I should do
something. I am not a bad mom. I am neither neglectful or abusive. She
has not seen my son in 2 months, and I feel guilty for it every day.

-Mother-In-Law Mayhem

Dear MILM,

In Judaism there are strict laws about preserving life and health. I would apply those laws here, and be mindful of your own well-being. While it is sad for your son to lose his grandmother’s attention, it would be even sadder to lose the balance of his mommy.

Your mental and physical health are what should come first, so that in truth, you can put your son above yourself. If some woman is lying and cutting you down and trying to take you from your baby, and if you really are not neglectful nor abusive, then she is not a good human to keep near you or your son.

What happens now does not have to dictate what happens later. Perhaps after solidifying your role as mother in the midst of this divorce, and with time, this psycho mother-in-law will turn a corner and learn to re-enter your life with respect and self-control. Until then, maybe focus on the good figures in your son’s life.

When I was little and my grandparents couldn’t come to school, my mother’s cousin always came with me for grandparent’s day. Having an older woman who loves your child is the next best thing, and having your own dignity is priceless. Use all that wasted guilt energy on locating and luring in the many women in your life who I am sure adore your kid. Grandmothers come in all shapes and sizes. In these early years of your son’s life what is important is returning to the preservation of love and security in your home. That includes working hard to maintain your own mental health.

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March 14, 2010 | 7:35 pm

She Reads His E-mails, All the Time

Posted by  Merissa Nathan Gerson

Dear Yenta,

I read my boyfriend’s e-mail. What started innocently enough (he
asked me to check his email for him when he didn’t have access to a
computer) has manifested itself into a daily obsession. Part of me
likes keeping tabs on what he’s up to and who he’s communicating
with when I’m not around. Quite often he tells me a story of an
e-mail he received from so-and-so and I have to pretend like it’s the
first time I’ve heard about this although I’ve already read the
e-mail.

If I read something upsetting about me in one of his e-mails (like him
telling a friend how we got into a fight, etc.) I get pissed off. Of
course I can’t tell him outright that I’ve been reading his e-mails,
so it manifests in some other way.

I know I should stop this ugly behavior, but I can’t. What should I
do?

-Nosy and Out of Hand

Dear NAOOH,

Lady, you need to stop and you need to stop now.

You have taken reading emails to a grand new level. It sounds complicated and intricate, all the information you are gathering, and it reveals a lot about your relationship. You have built dishonesty and evasive behavior, embedded it into the walls between you and your boyfriend. This is a loud screaming red siren if I ever saw one.

What we need to wonder in trying to get you to quit, is why this is so alluring. Sure, reading diaries and looking into the lives of others is fascinating. According to an article by the UK Daily Mail, “One in five couples admit to ’snooping’ by reading each other’s texts and emails.” But you have turned “snooping” into an obsession. This obsession is grounded in a giant power trip, one that hands you a giant emotional upper hand invisible to your man.

What happens if you quit?  What would make discarding this habit so difficult? For one, you would lose the power dynamic you have now, possibly leaving you starving later. What does this show you about you and your boyfriend? Why don’t you trust him? Why is lying so comfy? This habit reveals some deep-seated insecurities that might need to be solved with some time away from your lover.

How to stop? Quit. Cold Turkey.  I presented this problem to a young Chabadnik girl and she suggested hacking into his account and sending an e-mail to him from him saying “you have been hacked.”  This way he will quickly change his password and wedge you out of there.

Also, talk to him. Address your fears and insecurities about your relationship, stop the giant game you are playing. Get him to change his password. This is a big one. Tell him to change his password, that you are tempted to read his mail all the time and that you would rather not have the temptation. That is a little honest and a lot better than always, forever more, having the option to dip back into his pool of information.

You need your ticket confiscated, stat. Evaluating your ties to this bad habit might make quitting easier, that, and you might learn something about what put you in this awful position in the first place. Something about your own personal problems is being glaringly revealed by this scenario.

This sounds like no fun at all. It sounds hard and painful, all that you know each day. The question remains, as with any addict, where does your rock bottom lie? When will the torture of being in a deceptive relationship outweigh the thrill of probing into someone’s every email and then lying to their face while you tell them you love them?

Or, your boyfriend already knows you read his e-mails, and lets you enjoy the pleasure. That changes the power dynamic for sure.

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March 11, 2010 | 7:30 pm

Orgasmo Addendum

Posted by  Merissa Nathan Gerson

In regards to Summed Up By His Size, one “Ben M” writes:

Re: “A well-trained woman can come without even being touched”

Isn’t this oversimplifying things? Some women have trouble O’ing because of psychological and biological issues. I heard 30% can’t orgasm at all, let alone without being touched.

Yenta replies:

Thanks for your comment. I don’t think this is oversimplification, just blind faith in the female body and its ability to reconnect with itself, no matter the hormonal or psychological explanation for orgasm blockage. Despite what modern medicine tells us, women have a profound ability to heal.

Addendum:

Contrary to popular belief, regardless of the many factors cited for a woman’s inability to orgasm, I believe that with the right help every woman can come. This might mean needing psychiatric attention around emotional issues related to sexual abuse, religious shame, or any number of other issues related to the mind and body. It might involve getting in touch with a body that was underattended for years, or learning about her own parts. This could involve giving oneself permission to feel pleasure, or finding a trusting partner.

Citing the possibility that some women can come without touch is to raise the bar on a woman’s expectations for pleasure. Medical rationale for a life without orgasm often sells women short, way before they begin teaching their body and training the muscles involved in orgasming. For some it takes time, patience, and practice.

I give every woman a 100% guarantee that she IS capable of achieving orgasm. It is a lot like learning yoga. No, not everyone can do a headstand on the first try, or even sit cross-legged for that matter. But through training the mind, strengthening certain muscles and learning about the body these positions are eventually possible.

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March 9, 2010 | 7:28 pm

Summed Up By His Size

Posted by  Merissa Nathan Gerson

Dear Yenta,

I recently started seeing a very nice man. He is sweet, kind, has a
job, and is wonderful with my child. We get along really well and have
a great time when we are together, but there is a problem. He has a
very small penis. When I say small, you must understand that it is so
small that I can not feel it inside of me. I am not even sure it was
inside me. This is not an issue for me because I can not reach orgasm
through intercourse, only oral, but it is an issue because I feel like
faking it during sex is a lie, and I want to be as honest as I can
with this man.

-Little Bits

Dear Little Bits,

I don’t understand? What, exactly, are you not faking? Sex is way more interesting, complex and expansive than how you are viewing it.

I believe Samantha coped with the same exact problem on Sex and the City when she was sure she had finally met the man of her dreams. She ended up leaving him, devastated.

But this is real life and you are not Samantha. Some might tell you to skip town on this man and his tiny package, but I don’t believe in quitting without putting up a solid fight.

This being said, when a man puts a finger inside of you, do you feel it? Probably. So this man’s thing is detectable. There are plusses and minuses to every penis size. Some people are never satisfied, it is always too big, too small, too thick. What is important is a) that you like this guy and b) that you attempt to learn to love his parts.

This is a great opportunity for slower more sensual moves on your end. Or even speedy, but the key is noting the nuance of sensation. Rather than focusing on your attachment to the last giant you screwed, focus instead on your own nerve endings, making a point to feel any and everything so that when the edge of this man even brushes your insides, it makes you insane.

A few other tricks: try a vibrating cock ring ($12-$79), although note this warning. Also try new positions, for example, one woman suggests to try it with your legs squeezed shut, and be patient, your body will readjust to his size over time. For more positions and ideas on making love to a smaller man, click here.

In fact, this dude is the perfect opportunity for you to exercise those kegels and get to learning how to train your vaginal walls to come from intercourse alone. I believe Freud refers to this as the true maturity of a woman. Although, he was mostly offensive and sexist.

It is lazy lovemaking to depend on the man’s size for satisfaction. A well-trained woman can come without even being touched, a shaft simply a bonus prize. In fact, it is almost rude to give up because of some preconceived notion that size is the only byway to pleasure. Pleasure comes in all shapes and packages and it is up to every single individual to learn to grow per partner.

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March 7, 2010 | 7:27 pm

Caught in a Cat Fight

Posted by  Merissa Nathan Gerson

Dear Yenta,

I introduced my friend Jane to my larger group of friends, helped her get a job and a place to live and still keep in fairly close contact with. We share a
mutual friend, Sally, who is upset that Jane does not spend enough time with her and make enough “effort” in the friendship. Jane talks crap about Sally when I see her and Sally talks crap about Jane – down to intimate opinions each one has about their significant others. I find both of these friends have a troublemaking, frenemy side and try to keep my relationship on the surface, but find these point-blank attacks by one friend on the other difficult to deal with. I don’t want to take sides…even if I agree with Jane that Sally’s bf is not a good match for her or agree with Sally that Jane needs intensive counseling.

How should I deal without taking sides or looking
like I’m in cahoots with one over the other?

-Tug-Of-War

Dear Tug-of-War,

Lady, just don’t take sides, period. There is no rule in life that you need to be sucked into other people’s drama. This from an expert at drama suckage.

You need to set some limits for Sally and Jane. Try being HONEST and saying you would rather have some sort of pact that you don’t talk about each other. Just be frank, explain that you love both of your friends and would like to not hear about them. It is an awkward and uncomfortable limit at first, but I guarantee that phase will pass. Soon you will find you can talk to Jane and Sally about OTHER things.

When I was a waitress a customer once told my coworker that whenever you talk about other people it is for a reason. The reason could be boredom, lack of interest between you and the conversant, any number of things. Rarely when we talk about others does it come from a sincere space of need. As Buddhist Dharma Punx master Noah Levine once said at Rebel Saint Buddhist in LA: “Whatever people are saying behind your back is none of your business.”

Build yourself a new spine and evade this perpetual cat fight. The world is your oyster.

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March 4, 2010 | 7:25 pm

Tantric Turnaround

Posted by  Merissa Nathan Gerson

Dear Yenta,

I can’t believe I’m asking you this, but here goes.

I spent years of my life depressed, anxious and unhappy. I had few
relationships, mostly with unavailable, emotionally stunted partners,
just like myself. Now I’m in a healthy relationship and I am truly
happy.

I realized at a certain point in my life that things would not get
better if I didn’t deal with it. About five years into therapy, I was able to recognize that clinical depression had a hand in my difficult years, and I started taking antidepressants.

And the problem is this: antidepressants have eliminated my ability
to have an orgasm. Oh the irony! I had a decent sex life back in the
day, but now sex is really just an activity, like running or yoga.
I’ve adjusted the medication and been over this with my doctor to no
avail. But as fulfilled as I am now, I feel like it ultimately limits the
connection I have with my partner. Gratifying sex is what set our
relationship apart from all other relationships. And I like yoga, but
I miss the orgasms. What do I do?

Things Could Be Worse.

Dear TCBW,

I applaud you for taking your emotional growth and general sanity into your own hands. This dedication to well-being is admirable and is what builds positive communities around the world.

But things, my dear, could still be better.

I am going to treat this question under the presupposition that you are male, by standard American definitions. If you are female, and need help with the same, see: Trouble Coming in addition to reading below. If you are neither, improvise with those two answers.

There is hope, yet.

Antidepressants work in a number of ways, one way being to sever the connection between body, mind and spirit so that your life experiences are more manageable. Sometimes we are poorly programmed, so this split or cap on experience helps avoid the poor programming. With this cord cut, you might need to re-wire your own body, something that can be done with a little effort.

Basically, now that you are happy a number of things have shifted – your center of gravity, your attachment to misery, your ability to stay positive and your overall physical balance. One thing, psychologically, that this may have done is complicate your sexual drive. You may, quite simply, be maturing.

Young sex is often driven by nerves, fear and anxiety. There is a possibility that you have eliminated these things and now need to approach sex and sexuality from a new angle. Tantra could be a calling that this new shift has beckoned, particularly if you are already practicing yoga. This has to do with spiritually infusing your bedroom, and learning to make love without working towards orgasm. You might find that this has a profoundly positive turnaround for your sex life.

Meanwhile, these medications only control part of your chemical makeup. Have you taken inventory on diet and substance abuse? Cigarettes and alcohol can drastically affect your ability to ejaculate. Check out Dr. Weil’s page on natural treatment for erectile dysfunction for more ideas.

Ultimately, I heed caution when it comes to psychotherapeutic drugs. There are other ways to treat depression, see: Woe is Me. There is also a LOT that can be done with the body and mind to work around medications you do choose/or need to take. Don’t be too quick to fold if Prozac says its boss. Chances are you can use this medicated emotional leg up to begin to explore your body, mind and spirit from new angles. Caution: you might find your next orgasm, grounded in a healthy lifestyle rather than an anxious exit, to be far beyond those you ever experienced before.

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