February 7, 2010 | 6:20 pm

Papa, Pay for My Shrink?

Posted by  Merissa Nathan Gerson

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Dear Yenta,

I owe my Dad 8000 dollars, but don’t want to pay him. Instead I want to deduct the money from the therapy that I pay for that I think he is responsible for…
What should I do?

-Jilted

Dear Jilted,

If Daddy did the damage, then…

Money and therapy are tricky topics because they are self-defined for each individual involved. For example, if your Dad was a poor rail worker who busted his ass and burned holes in his hands to put food on your table, and now you are mad because he wasn’t home more, then you are an asshole. If your Dad is rich, neglected you, screwed women on the side, smacked you when he wasn’t getting any from his mistress, then keep your eight grand and do it your way.

There is a school of thought that parents who screw their kids up and can afford to unscrew them should then be responsible for the financial burden of healing. You sound like you know what to do. Does your Dad want to help pay for your self-help? Can you solicit him? Will this do something good for your family? Are you self-indulgent or self-aware? Figure out the reasons you are in therapy, and what you seek to gain from all that talk. My guess is that your father himself will benefit from the guru you seek.

If your Dad is rich and loves you and wants you “better” from whatever is paining you, and if therapy will bring you to that sunny happy place, then send Papi the bill. In the end, though, it’s up to him how he wants to handle the $8000.00 hole you dug.

February 4, 2010 | 6:19 pm

Sucking in the Smoke

Posted by  Merissa Nathan Gerson

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Dear Yenta,

I love to smoke cigarettes in my apartment. I don’t want anyone to know that I participate in this heinous self-destructive act, but I am addicted, not necessarily to nicotine, but to the secrecy of it…I do it while watching gangster movies, or political dramas, while reading self-indulgent books, or listening top 40 music. Whyyyyyy? Even writing this is kinda fun. Help.

-Lame-O

Dear Lame-O,

I once shared my love for Gossip Girl with an audience of four and they nearly destroyed it for me. Be sure to guard your secret indulgences, they are precious. If this is truly your vice, then enjoy it in full. Everyone does it, finds what they know to be “Sinful” and then indulges to somehow prove their autonomy.

Yes, this is a way of saying “Forget you world, I am in charge of me!” It is also a form of intimacy, you, your cigarettes, your pleasures. But finally, and honestly, it is clearly some weird form of self-abuse. Can you replace cigarettes with something less harmful to your body, like porn, chocolate, mint tea? Or, can you stop hating yourself and do it less often, and instead of lapping up the guilt, jump into the sheer pleasure of smoking, like a big kid in your own home?

I used to smoke in bed all the time in college. It disgusted people and was my way of marking my territory, some odd post-adolescent acting out. Just figure out if you are rebelling, or if you are half European and just have a penchant for fine tobacco. Check in with yourself and see who you are rebelling against, why, and whether you are using this behavior as a form of masochism or simply enjoyment of life’s pleasures.

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February 2, 2010 | 6:17 pm

Addicted to “Love”

Posted by  Merissa Nathan Gerson

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Dear Yenta,

My girlfriend lives in Europe. My ex-girlfriend lives in New York. I live somewhere in-between and am alone, in love with both, and extremely confused. The ex was my college sweetheart and has been there on and off for many years. I know if I move to Europe and choose my present girlfriend that I am cutting off the old one forever.

To commit to this new woman is also scary in and of itself. How do I know I love her? Or that I will love her? I only just left college and am still unsure who I am. I also love mountains and there are no mountains near the Euro-girl, and I am worried I will resent her for taking away my passions.

Help?

-Split

Dear Split,

Some women are like drugs. You will want them and crave them and only feel good when you have them, and at all other moments of the day it is torture to not be with them. You sound like a woman addict who could use some detox and rehab. This means taking some time outside the matrix of dating and figuring out who you are and what you want, so these women don’t dictate or determine that for you.

Also, look at what love means to you. It should, in theory, expand your sense of positivity, outlook, possibility and self. If you are only feeling this “love” with the women, and constant agony without, it is worth evaluating whether this love is expansive or reductive. Are you shrinking to keep a woman in your life?

And if you love mountains, find mountains on the weekends and the woman you love in the week. It is a myth that you should have one or the other. In choosing to satisfy your own needs you might find that it is easier to love and commit to one woman at a time. Generally, self-care is the number one prescription for a healthy relationship. If you are sated in advance, then your woman becomes a perk or a partner, rather than a co-dependant fiendish need.

What do YOU want, YOU need? Worry about number one, and who number two is will become crystal clear.

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