Jewish Journal


January 19, 2006

The Hebrascope: Signs of the Jewdiac

For the week of Sunday, Jan. 22 -- Saturday, Jan. 28, 2006


(January 20-February 18)

Notable Jewish Aquarius:

Ted Koppell

Personal space isn't something you can rent by the month. No, it's something you have to carve out for yourself, or you may become overwhelmed by this week's little stressors. Alone time is your friend this week. Speaking of friends, a co-worker may open your mind to a new idea in a conversation this week, which can only happen if you're open to conversations with your co-workers and if you can truly listen (as opposed to thinking about what time "American Idol" comes on or who burned the microwave popcorn and stank up the break room). If you network for career reasons, you never know what the side benefits of socializing may be. Oh, and I hate to be a nudge, but single Aquarians should make sure any dates you have this week are truly single.

(February 19-March 20)

Notable Jewish Pisces:

Josh Groban

As a Pisces, you should know when something or someone is a tad "fishy." Use your excellent instincts and intuition to glean the best potential mate for you. This week -- and I'm going to state the obvious here -- you really have to leave the house in order to meet someone. Unless you happen to have an especially attractive roommate or delivery person, make sure to get out and about so the universe can bring you The One -- or at least the one for this week. As for Pisces in relationships, being around new people in new social situations (art gallery openings, fashion shows, plays, house parties) will make what's old seem new again.

(March 21-April 20)

Notable Jewish Aries:

William Shatner

From about midweek, your social life is going to go all Paris Hilton. Okay, Paris without the petty rivalries with teen starlets, bedazzled cell phone and ludicrously rich boyfriend. What I mean is, the invitations will be pouring in and you will be, even more than usual, popular among your peers. Enjoy it, but don't ignore issues related to your long term health and stability. This is a good week to lace your social interactions with some thinking about the boring stuff: Is your car insurance paid? Do you need a dental plan? Union dues paid up? Are you ready for any upcoming property tax bills? Fun, good. Cavity without dental insurance, bad. This is a simple week for Aries - -- enjoy this moment and plan for the next.

(April 21-May 20)

Notable Jewish Taurus:

Golda Meir

Sucking up to the boss takes on new dimensions this week. It's not enough that your boss thinks you're swell, her friends have to like you, too. Your reputation may be on the line this week, and it's confusing when you don't know whose tush you have to kiss. The answer is easy: smile at everyone, finish all of your tasks, keep your lunch hour to an actual hour (not an hour-plus Starbucks line time), wear the shirts that are fresh from the cleaners and make a good impression at all times. You never know whose watching and (frankly) judging. By the way, single Taurus should be prepared for what can only be described as a truly odd date this week.

(May 21-June 20)

Notable Jewish Gemini:

Mel Blanc

You could call it pheromones, you could call it "chemistry" you could get all clinical and refer to it as simple sexual attraction. Whatever you call it, that physical pull will yank you right into a new relationship this week. In a somewhat creepy and perhaps jarring transition-- let's talk about Gemini parents, for whom this is an important week. I'm not telling you anything you don't know, but give of yourself this week in any way you can without spoiling the little ones. Gemini health alert: the weekend could be dicey -- maybe some back pain, a scratchy throat. Take care of yourself and if that means spending a day in bed with microwave popcorn and ESPN, do it and don't feel guilty.

(June 21-July 20)

Notable Jewish Cancer:

Marc Chagall

You've heard of a "tell" -- a detectable change in a player's behavior that gives clues to that player's hand? Well, stay alert for tells and other signs of deception. I'm not talking about Washington lobbyist type large-scale deception, just minor bluffing that will surround you this week. Imagine yourself at the poker table of life. Your hand is decent. Your drink is still cold. You've got a nice stack of chips in front of you. Just keep your eye on the nonverbal clues given by the players around you. And always remember to tip your waitress and your horoscope writer. We're working hard for you.

(July 21- August 21)

Notable Jewish Leo:

Bernard Baruch

"Career Opportunity, the one that never knocks." I just quoted The Clash. Not just because of how cool it makes me feel (though I can't deny it does), but to convey that this week, career opportunities will be knock, knock, knocking on Leo's door. Have a friend proofread that resume, send it all over town, call anyone you know that can help you land the job you covet, enlist in any courses your current employer now offers and classes outside of work. Planetary influences are on your side. So get on it and don't "clash" with what the stars have in store. And with that pun, I lose all cred.

(August 22-September 22)

Notable Jewish Virgo:

Alan Dershowitz

Oops. Was that a lunch meeting you totally spaced? A stack of bills you forgot to slip in the mailbox? Do you even know where your day-planner is? It seems Virgo is a bit distracted, especially on Monday. For Virgos in love, the object of your affection is clouding some of your rational thinking, particularly for those of you in new relationships. No matter, by midweek you regain your cool. This is a good thing, because your ability to remain calm under pressure will be tested. You will be a clutch player at work with big romantic rewards if you happen to wake up early on Friday morning. That was cryptic, but you know what I mean.

(September 23-October 22)

Notable Jewish Libra:

Walter Matthau

If you find yourself in the mood to visit one of those paint-it-yourself ceramics stores, you might think it's the effect of some horrible strain of flu. No, it's just the stars urging you to experiment with new creative pursuits. It gets better; the celestial influences for Libra suggest that putting time and effort into your creative life could actually yield financial rewards in the future. Does that mean the manuscript or screenplay half-done on some long lost computer file may be worth rehashing? Yes. And it will probably be ultimately less embarrassing than being seen at the ceramics store painting polka dots on an oversized mug. Even if you have to spend some money -- guitar strings, new computer program, yarn and knitting needles -- it's worth it.

(October 23-November 22)

Notable Jewish Scorpio:

Calvin Klein

At times, Scorpio can be overwhelmed by amorous urges (which I think might make a good perfume name and could certainly be marketed to Scorpios this week). The scent of Amorous Urges will be all around you, which could lead to fulfillment or disappointment. Satisfaction is one thing, finding a mensch when you're so sensually driven is another. Scorpios in partnerships should schedule some good together time this week, which means routine chores -- carrying in the huge jugs of delivered water or taking out the trash -- can wait. Smells like a good week.

(November 23-December 20)

Notable Jewish Sagittarius:

Steven Spielberg

I truly hope you aren't entangled in any legal activities, but if you are, this is your week to be victorious against "The Man" or anyone else. What's more, the stars are giving you the equivalent of celestial Ginseng right now. Your memory is sharp and you have no trouble recalling facts, figures and statistics that not only help you dazzle at work, but impress in casual conversation. At the end of the week, avoid physical labor. While your mind is strong, your body may be a bit weak or injury prone. A sharp mind is not just a tool for learning, but also for figuring out how to get other people to do the heavy lifting.

(December 21-January 19)

Notable Jewish Capricorn:

Dave Attell

This week opens with all the uplifting, syrupy sweetness of a Lifetime television movie. Things are so soft-focus and unrealistically wonderful, you can almost feel Melissa Gilbert's presence. Try not to soar too high, but you can feel good about whatever you've overcome for your Lifetime moment. In the middle of the week, things level out and suddenly instead of watching a poignant tearjerker on Lifetime, it's Lou Dobbs on your celestial screen. The time will come for some highly un-fun financial tinkering involving bills or records. Just get it over with so you can switch back to Melissa Gilbert and wait for the tacky music to swell.

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