July 29, 2004
Back in high school, I had a crush on a Protestant girl, Joan Reid. She told me that her mother encouraged her to date -- and even marry -- Jewish guys because: a) They're smarter and work harder; b) They make great fathers; c) They don't get drunk and beat you. I told Joan her mom was absolutely correct, and then spent the rest of the year attempting to leverage that information into getting Joan's bra off. But I digress.
The fact of the matter is, Jewish men are in demand, not just among Jewish women, but among non-Jewish women, as well. Similarly, there are non-Jewish men who have a thing for Jewish women. All well and good. The problem is that some of these gentiles are signing up on Jewish singles sites like JDate and raiding our people. They're going Hebrew fishing.
Oh, sure, some of these "pretenders to the faith" will admit up front that they're not Jewish, but many will not. It's false advertising. Bait-and-switch. They'll get a Jewish man or woman to fall in love with them, and only then reveal their dark secret. Shame! But, assuming this matters to you, what can be done about this treachery? Nothing. How can one determine if said potential romantic partner is, in fact, a Jew? One can't. That is, one couldn't -- until now.
Fellow Jewish singles, no longer will a non-Jew take advantage of your good will and trusting nature. No longer will non-Jews toy with your affections. No longer will you give yourself, body and soul, to a, for want of a better word, Lutheran, only to find out that he or she grew up in a household in which the only time "Jew" was even mentioned was in conjunction with the terms "devil horns," "owning show business" and "killing our Lord."
Yes, our days and nights of uncertainty and betrayal are over. For, as a public service to my faith, I have created a fool-proof means of determining whether your potential life partner is one of the Chosen People. Now, admittedly, I am still perfecting and fine-tuning my Test-a-Jew creation. But, just to get you started, here is a brief sampling. Feel free to try them on your dates. But I beg you, if they answer incorrectly, can't answer correctly immediately or get a glazed look in their eyes, run!
Test-a-Jew Sample Questions
1) Abba is:
a. The secret code word for getting into the hottest bar mitzvah parties.
b. A Swedish band famous for cheesy music that's still popular, God knows why.
c. The Hebrew word for "father."
2) Mezuzah is:
a. The personal form of "Youzuzah."
b. A small parchment scroll written by a scribe and affixed to the doorpost, containing the first two paragraphs of the Shema.
c. The sound made in the throat when ingesting a matzah ball that's too dry.
3) "Gut Shabbos" is an expression meaning:
a. Good Sabbath.
b. Shabby Guts.
c. We still own show business -- pass it on.
4) Which of the following sentences uses the word shpilkes properly?
a. Did you shave your shpilkes today?
b. I had shpilkes before my big job interview.
c. Would you prefer some of the chocolate or the coconut shpilkes?
5) Which of these best describes Haman?
a. The villain of the story of Purim.
b. The last name of the one Orthodox Jew who plays professional hockey.
c. The menu term immediately preceding "cheese sandwich."
6) Kashrut is:
a. The condition immediately preceding bankruptcy.
b. Jewish dietary laws.
c. His real last name before he became "Neil Diamond."
I think you'll agree with me that a test like this will do much to weed out the Jew-pretenders. If this situation is left unchecked, trust me, one day you'll wake up to find your kids have blond hair, straight noses and think a shnorer is someone who makes a lot of noise in his sleep. Don't say I didn't warn you. You're welcome.
Mark Miller has written for TV, movies and celebrities, been a professional stand-up comedian and a humor columnist for the Los Angeles Times Syndicate. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.