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July 16, 2008

Dating dramas

I don't allow myself to become vulnerable. I don't honestly share my likes and dislikes, my strengths and insecurities. I worry too much about what the guy wants to hear rather than what I truly want to say.

http://www.jewishjournal.com/singles/article/dating_dramas_20080716

I've decided to embark on an acting career, so I signed up for acting classes. Given that acting is such a competitive business, I comfort myself in the idea that I can also treat acting class as a form of therapy and thus gain added, nonprofessional value. So far, playing characters in difficult situations has allowed me to reflect on my own feelings and behaviors.

For my first assignment, I was asked to recreate, on stage, a personal environment (whether my bedroom, office or living room) -- and engage in an activity I like (whether painting, cooking or playing music). The point was to get us actors to feel comfortable on stage so that we could react naturally when the phone rings with an imaginary crisis. The audience doesn't have to know the identity of the crisis -- it's the reaction, not the story, that's important.

Eager to do a good job and impress the teacher, I recreated my living room in Israel and thought of a crisis all too sadly familiar to me: A terrorist attack in my neighborhood. When the phone rang, I jumped from my easel, where I was drawing a horse, and went into crisis mode. I immediately began to call friends to find out who was hurt, to check the news on TV and online for casualty updates. I was frantic.

Then the teacher stopped me and said: "Orit! Just sit on the sofa."

I followed his instructions. On the sofa, I contemplated, without words, the horror of the moment. And the teacher said that's where I was effective and convincing. In that moment I wasn't acting. I wasn't trying to say the right things. I was being.

At my next rehearsal, at a cafe for a scene in which I play a woman trying to seduce an old flame, I repeated the same pattern. As my scene partner hinted to me, my reading was stiff, unnatural and predictable. I only worried that I uttered the lines in the right way. I didn't capture the emotion of the moment by allowing the part of me who relates to the character influence my delivery of the lines. Then, when we put the script down and just talked, I reconnected with my natural way of speaking and gesturing and sought to bring that into the role.

That's when it hit me. What applies to acting also applies to dating.

For instance, if I meet a really good-looking and charming guy at a party whom I want to impress, I go into acting mode. I ask myself: How should I behave? Should I walk up to him and say "Hi"? Should I stand there nonchalantly and wait for him to make the first move?

When I e-mail him, I overthink the timing and wording of the letter. I become a playwright. Should I think of a creative subject line or keep it casual? Should I open it with "Hey" or "Hi"? And how should I sign it? With "Best regards"? With just my first initial?

I know I'm really infatuated in a bad way when I actually think of implementing the advice of that lame book "The Rules," such as: "Don't stare at men or talk too much" or "Don't call him or rarely return his calls" or "Don't accept a Saturday night date after Wednesday."

Then, if we go out on a date, I try to be, or at least act, put together, cool, perfect. I don't allow myself to become vulnerable. I don't honestly share my likes and dislikes, my strengths and insecurities. I worry too much about what the guy wants to hear rather than what I truly want to say. In short, I'm not myself. I'm acting.

Contrast this behavior with a guy I'd consider only as a friend. I can chat it up with him for hours and talk about whatever concerns me, without worrying about what he thinks of me. I write whatever I feel like in an e-mail without proofreading it 10 times. I complain about my day, my problems, my hopes, my dreams. Strangely, my guy "friends" are those who end up falling in love with me.

I think it's because when I'm myself with the opposite sex, I create real moments -- the Oscar-worthy moments that light up a screen or a stage because the audience sees the real character -- her pain, joy, uncertainty, triumph. I let go of the script and show what's between the lines -- and what's inside my heart.

So I'm learning to change my approach -- not only in acting class, but in the real-life drama of my dating life. I think part of the challenge is finding the right "scene" partner -- the supporting male who can bring out my true character, who doesn't make me feel the need to read from a script or follow rules.

Maybe by learning to be more natural and hence creating authentic moments not only stage, but also over coffee or dinner with the men I date, I'll earn my real Oscar -- a shining golden man to take home.


Orit Arfa is a Jewish Journal contributing writer based in Israel who is spending the summer in Los Angeles. She can be reached via her Web site: www.oritarfa.net.

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