Jewish Journal

The Hebrascope: Signs of the Jewdiac

For the Week of Sunday, January 15 - Saturday, January 21, 2006

by Jew Girl

Posted on Jan. 12, 2006 at 7:00 pm


Aries (March 21-April 20)

Notable Jewish Aries: 
William Shatner

You know that security camera designed to catch thieves at the ATM? It also catches that special cringe you get on your face this week when you see your bank balance. The dollar amount left in your checking account is almost criminal. Don't panic. Just hold off on purchases this week, or if you have to buy, find a cheaper version of what you want. Listen, we all love the fancy $22 shampoo, but lather yourself in some dime-store Suave this week and wash those financial fears right out of your hair. If you're thinking of relocating or taking a trip, the end of this week is a perfect time for Aries to be on the move. Remember, you can still have a good time in coach.


Taurus (April 21-May 20)

Notable Jewish Taurus:
Golda Meir

Taureans love the familiar. This week in particular, that couch and those pajamas are looking mighty cozy. Luckily for you, the planetary pull of social activity is strong enough (just barely) to yank you away from watching five TiVo'd episodes of "Project Runway." Interaction with children and family members will suck you out of the vortex of comfort your living room has become. On Wednesday, you may feel the desire to become extra forceful at work. Keep in mind: initiative is good, being a wrecking ball and treating other people's ideas like uninhabited tenements is bad. Be a bull, but don't make the rest of the world your china shop.


Gemini (May 21 -- June 20)

Notable Jewish Gemini:

Mel Blanc

If you've ever found yourself walking away from a Marc Jacobs bag, new iPod or some other tempting purchase and then fantasizing about whether or not to buy it in the next couple of days, this decision is easy. Hold off and wait until next week. The planetary action now suggests a lack of realism, which suggests a lack of flinging your credit card across the counter and worrying about it later would be wise. Sunday is a good time for religious or spiritual pursuits, even if it just means cracking open that old copy of "Tuesdays With Morrie."


Cancer (June 21-July 20)

Notable Jewish Cancer:
Marc Chagall

To best describe the tone of this week, I would have to say it's a mixture between an Ingmar Bergman film and a vat of motor oil. Things will start off a bit dark in tone, but lighten up by midweek. Thursday is an ideal time to visit an elderly relative or friend. You've been putting it off, but who knows how long you'll have? Leave it to a Jewish horoscope to provide not only astrological forecasting, but also guilt. By the way, on Friday, a woman with whom you are familiar will request a meeting. If you can, make her come to you.


Leo (July 21 -- August 21)

Notable Jewish Leo:
Bernard Baruch

You won't need to throw salt over your shoulder, knock on wood, cross your fingers or say some obscure Yiddish phrase. This week, luck is with you. The moon is in your own sign of Leo and that means roll the dice and buy the Lotto ticket. As for work, this is a bad time to get involved with office politics. When you hear negative chatter by the box of doughnuts or gossip by the fax machine, simply turn your emotional car around and find the entrance ramp for the high road. Don't be rude about it. You can smile and nod, just don't engage.


Virgo (August 22-September 22)

Notable Jewish Virgo:
Alan Dershowitz

Here's a new word invented just to describe this week in Virgo-land: Noody. That means, you're part needy and part moody. The only way out of this spiritual malaise is some form of written communication. If you must, use e-mail. If you can, buy a nice box of notecards, sit down with a hot beverage and write a letter the old-fashioned way to someone you trust. Saturday will find the mood lighter and the stars aligned with improvement, either of self, home or car. I leave you with this: Noodiness is only a passing mood state if you don't take it seriously, and how can you when it sounds so stupid?


Libra (September 23-October 22)

Notable Jewish Libra:
Walter Mattheau

Libras love a party, and this week the parties will find you. The stars say to socialize, have a good time and power through slightly lower energy levels. As for your schedule, let's just think about it a second. Other than the things you have to do -- work and seeing friends and loved ones -- are you truly enjoying all the things in your Filofax? If book group is starting to be a drag, this is the time to let it go. Not loving that weekly poker game? Toss it aside like a pair of threes. Athletic Libras will shine this week, so don't drop the softball team or bowling league just yet.


Scorpio (October 23-November 22)

Notable Jewish Scorpio:
Calvin Klein

If there is such a thing is "good touch" and "bad touch," it's not such a stretch that there can be both "good talk" and "bad talk." This is good for you to know, especially midweek when the stars have conversations dominating your life. On the upside, there won't be any "Where is this relationship going?" or "Can you hand in a written description of exactly what it is you do here?" which are obviously "bad talk" topics. Your chats will be rife with listening, respect and acceptance. If you are thinking about a job interview or discussion about a promotion, this is the time to go for it.


Sagittarius (November 23-December 20)

Notable Jewish Sagittarius:

Steven Spielberg

Like the Fonz, Sagittarions sometimes face a challenge getting sappy with l -l -l -loved ones. Not this week. It suddenly seems easy getting sentimental with your inner circle. On top of that, like some people have a good hair day, you will have a good confidence week. Public speaking, for example, will come easily. If there are creative endeavors, perhaps in music, that you've been contemplating, celestial forces are with you. Even if it just means burning a CD for a friend, you will find the experience satisfying. This is the tough part of writing a horoscope but it would be a shonda if I didn't mention this: watch your back on Thursday, as deceit will be all around you. Don't say anything in public you wouldn't want posted on the World Wide Web.


Capricorn (December 21-January 19)

Notable Jewish Capricorn:

Dave Attell

Capricorn charisma is spiking this week. If fact, your charisma is propping its elbows up on the bar, winking at the pretty bartender and downing a six-pack of Red Bulls. You are a bullet train of charm and there's no stopping you. Just avoid introspection. Usually, it's a good thing, but for now, it could lead to an annoying tendency toward self-involvement. To go with your superior charm, keep your presentation fierce (or just enjoy how much using that word makes you feel like Tyra Banks). Looks will play a part in how people assess you this week, so break out the iron or just throw the shirt in the dryer with a wet towel for all I care, just be rumple free.


Aquarius (January 20-February 18)

Notable Jewish Aquarius:
Ted Koppell

It's not such a big deal when someone cuts in front of you on the freeway or there isn't enough milk left for your cereal. It's not life or death if a telemarketer calls you to see if you're happy with your phone service and answering the call means you miss the end of the second quarter of the game. Still, this week it will feel like every little thing is driving you crazy. The mishegoss is simply temporary crankiness. Still, for the first few days of this week, there will be intense irritability. The only solution is to find some solitude. If you have to, sit in your car for a few minutes and listen to NPR before going home. Get up early and enjoy breakfast by yourself. Trust me, you need alone time this week and by Friday, annoyance will fade and romantic relationships will flourish.


Pisces (February 19-March 20)

Notable Jewish Pisces:
Josh Groban

Dreaming of being a great novelist but not exactly putting pen to paper? Seeing yourself as a starlet but not bothering to take a little old acting class? Fantasizing about running a marathon but limiting your training sessions to jogging around the block? Let go of unrealistic expectations this week and delusions of grandeur. Think about what you can actually accomplish and take steps to make it happen. Snap out of your happy place, that phony place in your mind where accomplishments take no effort. I know this all sounds kind of harsh, but sometimes a horoscope has to involve tough love. If you let go of false hopes, a brand new relationship will appear by Friday. If your feet are on the ground, you can run with it.

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