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Jewish Journal

The Hebrascope: Signs of the Jewdiac

For the week of Sunday, January 8 -- Saturday, January 14, 2006

January 5, 2006 | 7:00 pm

Aries (March 21-April 20)

Notable Jewish Aries: Howard Cosell

It's OK to be in a rut, just sit down, crack open a beer and kick your feet up on the ottoman, but don't get too comfortable there. When you notice yourself stagnating this week, remember this: as an Aries, you need variety. Your life is best when it looks like the all-you-can-eat salad bar at the Sizzler. Sure, you have your regular salad stuff, but you've also got some odd pseudo-Mexican snack foods, frozen yogurt, clam chowder and eight kinds of medically contraindicated salad dressings. Right now, you are eyeballing the salad bar of life without a clue what you want, all of which is making you edgy. This one is so easy. Just pick an activity and dig in. You can always go back for seconds. 

 

Taurus (April 21-May 20)

Notable Jewish Taurus:
Joey Ramone

 

Single Taurus: Get ready. Love is in the stars for you this week. I'm not talking about some blah dinner with a guy from JDate. I'm talking about that magical, dynamic, magnetic connection that only happens once in awhile (and often ends in disaster, but let's take things one week at a time). For now, get waxed, clean your apartment, wash the car, have your hair blown-out and enjoy the romantic ride. The weekend will be especially potent in the "sensual" arena. On a family note, beware that the value of a possession may cause some strife. Don't let yourself get wrapped up in material things, after all, you're going to be starring in your own romantic comedy and with any luck it won't be as cloying and predictable as "Must Love Dogs."

 

Gemini (May 21 -- June 20)

Notable Jewish Gemini: Yasmine Bleeth

I could give you a lot of mumbo jumbo about your solar eighth house of finances being affected this week by planets visiting Capricorn, but Gemini bores easily so just take this in: if you have been needing a bank loan, home refinance or student loan, this is your week. I know, Smarty Pants Twins don't fancy comparing boring loan rates and such, but why not use your quick mind for something other than shouting out the answers to "Jeopardy" questions? As for work, this is the week that crazy co-worker seems to go off her medication. Just ignore her, because once you react, the mishegoss can be traced right back to you.

 

Cancer (June 21-July 20)

Notable Jewish Cancer:
Neil Simon

When it comes to horoscopes and Cancers, there's one major catch: you don't like advice and you bristle at being told what to do. Fortunately, all I have to say this week is DO NOTHING. That's right -- avoid impetuous decisions, last minute trips and dicey business schemes. Don't even go to the mall to return that tin of popcorn the size of Bill Maher's head or digital travel clock you can't figure out how to use. Stay home. Do laundry. Stick to a safe routine after running around socializing so much. Toward the end of the week, remember that if you control the cash in the family, you control the family, and very few people enjoy this if Oprah is to be believed. Trust and love is what Cancer has all around right now. So that's your mantra. Say it: trust and love.

 

Leo (July 21 -- August 21)

Notable Jewish Leo:
Debra Messing

Driving Leos, start your engines. Oh, what's that? They won't start. I don't get it. You took your vehicle to the Jiffy Lube three years ago, what could be the problem? You know all that stuff they tell you to do -- besides the oil change you asked for -- that you ignored? Well, this is the week to take care of it. No more riding around with warning lights on, or pretending not to notice the fluid dripping under your tires. This is a time for preventive maintenance. As for your own health, if you want to drop a bad habit, this is the perfect time. Maybe you don't need six packets of Splenda in your coffee or that fourth glass of wine or that sixth macaroon. Drop a bad habit like you used to drop those oil change reminders -- right in the trash.

 

Virgo (August 22-September 22)

Notable Jewish Virgo:
Amy Irving

Some group environments are peaceful, say, yoga class. Others are stressful, say, a distant cousin's bar mitzvah that's in some horrible far away suburb and features stale rolls and even stiffer conversation. Here's the thing, this week means any group activity is likely to bring you chaos. You may feel overly sensitive, or the unswerving need to throw a chair, Bobby Knight-style, into a crowd of people. Find your inner Phil Jackson and be diplomatic. What's the pay-off for all that restraint? You may witness something extraordinary this week, something only an attentive Virgo would appreciate. Keep your eyes open, and your throwing hand closed.

 

Libra (September 23-October 22)

Notable Jewish Libra:
Barbara Walters

Occasionally, your family has so many feuds Richard Dawson would plotz. These are just minor skirmishes, a political discussion that went sour, a call unreturned, an invitation "lost in the mail." For Libra, this is the week to reconcile with family members. Coincidentally, the stars also say it's a perfect time to entertain in your home. So there you go, get out your Swiffer, pop some pre-made crab cakes in the oven, light a nice holiday candle someone gave you at the office and make the place comfortable. Once your home looks nice, it's time to make nice and invite over any relatives you've alienated. On the work front, more responsibility may come your way this week. Don't get all, "That's not my job." Just do what you do best, find a solution that suits everyone

 

Scorpio (October 23-November 22)

Notable Jewish Scorpio:
Winona Ryder

You want your partner or spouse to be happy, but does it have to reach perkiness proportions the likes of which are generally reserved for beauty pageants and morning news shows? This week, the enthusiasm level of someone close to you is downright exhausting, especially in your worn-down state. Here's the thing, recalibrating someone else's perk-o-meter is impossible and rude, so let it be. Speaking of rude, this is a time for Scorpio to embrace all forms of etiquette. I'm talking about thank-you notes, turning off your cell phone at the movies and speaking to everyone with respect. Friday the 13 happens to be a magical day for you. Dream big. Ask everyone you know their favorite travel destinations and stories and await inspiration.

 

Sagittarius (November 23-December 20)

Notable Jewish Sagittarius: Mandy Patinkin

There are times when your mind seems to function faster, like you've just upgraded your cerebral PC and the graphics are so sharp you can't believe it. This week -- there's just no other way to say it -- your thoughts are going to be intense, dude. You will have no trouble influencing people with your ideas and impressing them with your projects. Though your brain is both tenacious and focused right now, beware of one thing: Sagittarius is a great conversationalist, but don't let it slip into gossip. Oh, and that domineering person in your life ... could it be a mother figure? Anyway, you will have to stand up to her midweek. Luckily, your mind is so clear now, it will be no trouble "setting a boundary" rather than being a brat.

 

Capricorn (December 21-January 19)

Notable Jewish Capricorn: Howard Stern

You seem to embrace control more than Janet Jackson. Okay, that was a really old song lyric reference, but you know what I mean. On Tuesday, you will have to relinquish control with the service people in your life, be it the dry cleaner, maid, waitress or even doctor. Let people do their jobs and understand that chaos will creep it from time to time. Know that next week will run more smoothly. On a positive note, this week will bring a one-on-one interaction you won't forget. Competition or cooperation will arise this week in a big way, but which one depends on you and the situation. After all, there's a time to sing "Kumbaya" and a time to throw an elbow when the ref isn't looking.

 

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)

Notable Jewish Aquarius:
Judy Blume

It's usually annoying when folks throw around phrases like "Go big or go home," but what can I say? You are going big this week. Big energy. Big changes. You know those times when you just want to stick to your routine, wear your favorite old jeans, watch your usual TV shows, drive the same routes and call the same friends? This isn't one of those weeks. You are open to any and all new experiences. Oh, and single Aquarians should be happy with that new "something something" you've got going. Even if it's just a mild flirtation, attraction and desire are strong this week. If an ex comes into the picture, crop him or her right out.

 

Pisces (February 19-March 20)

Notable Jewish Pisces:
Philip Roth

Don't dole out warmth and affection like they give out slices of frozen pizza samples at Costco. I'm saying, don't just create convenient bite-sized pieces of genuine humanity and place them on a platter for any passer-by to taste. This week, save your goodwill for the inner circle, the people in your daily life who have earned your trust. Speaking of those people, do you ever notice you interrupt a lot? Hear me out. Sure, it's a cultural thing, talking, debating, leaping into furious discussion, but I encourage you to listen closely this week. You don't even have to agree, just nod and smile. People love that.



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