Jewish Journal

Help Wanted

by Beit T'shuvah

February 26, 2013 | 10:54 am

By Michael Welch

Our world, the Big Blue Marble containing existence, is looking for immediate support. It is with great trepidation that the direction of the globe’s movement is in question. This is not in reference to the counterclockwise spin. This is in reference to the demand for decency amongst its inhabitants. It has come to our attention that we are lacking in areas that are direct links for the continued growth of our moveable parts. We feel that a collective effort will be necessary for these parts to function in a motion that represents dignity, credibility, and that is integral. Since there are theoretically 7 billion applicants we will be very particular. Below is a list of attributes along with responsibilities that will be required for the position.

• You must be willing to reveal your imperfections
• You must have the capacity to accept responsibility and not blame others for your own behavior
• You have all the power you want—over yourself, not others
• You must see the big picture; just completion of your own responsibilities will not do
• You must celebrate the success of others
• You must fail, when you fail you must fail forward
• You cannot be a “yes man”—this means demonstrating the ability to do the next right thing no matter what you feel
• You cannot be a “no man”—we don’t take kindly to red tape, bureaucratic hoopla, and political shenanigans
• Value your own integrity over the orientation of people pleasing-no one likes a kiss ass
• You are not allowed to be boring, the world is already filled with boring
• Living in the past is prohibited
• Living in the future is prohibited 
• Simplify, simplify, simplify

Asking you for the above mentioned may cause for confusion and hopefully self-reflection. We understand that this is not for everyone. Your business experience, fiscal successes, and motivation are not necessary. If you are a corporate mogul, auspicious executive, or a goody two-shoe obsessed with the bottom line, recognition, and the spotlight then this has gone over your head. There will be an opportunity for everyone to join in this metamorphosis, just bring yourself and your truth.     

If you do not meet these requirements and/or are not willing to make the proper adjustments to meet these requirements, along with perform the duties of the job—you will be subject to termination. Termination is defined by a continued existence of being stuck, an inability to enjoy, be fulfilled, or become whole. To be terminated by death would be to allow you to get “off the hook”, and we’re not going to do that.

All who are terminated will be moved to the southernmost part of the world; Ellsworth Land, this is located in Antarctica and has landmarks such as the South Pole and the Transarctic Mountains. Please bring a coat.  Unless you look like Kate Upton.
If you find this concept cheesy and sophomoric, expect your ticket to Antarctica in the mail soon…..

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