When I was younger, I had the annoying inclination to make a name for myself. I hated everyone (I still do, for the most part), but I wanted everyone to love me. I wanted my name to be heard of by everyone, my true personality known by few, and my externalities respected by all who came across my path.
I wanted my blogs to evoke powerful emotions, my MySpace profiles to provide witty commentary on not just my life, but everyone else’s as well. I wanted to post pictures that struck every walk of life with familiarity and necessity.
For the most part, I failed. When I look back, my e-biographies were pretentious and vague; my images were blurred and melodramatic representations of what actually happened in my life. My public songs were off-key, disjointed, and incoherent.
I know how the process works. I had a poor self-image, and I tried to project something greater than I was. However, transparency struck through my opaque reflections. This is a process that does not concern me; I’m concerned instead by the process of which I could write something, deem it beautiful, and then look at it later in life and be utterly embarrassed by it.
Am I embarrassed at myself for submitting various forms of nonsense publicly, or am I embarrassed about the way I viewed myself when I was younger? I want to argue for the former, but I know the truth lies in the latter. The substance of the historical Ben Spielberg is contrived; it is misrepresented information that unveils neither genuine emotion nor actual content. If one were to attempt to find information about me, one would find only a mask that I tried to pass off as my own face.
Nobody loved me because nobody knew me, or knew what I actually stood for--instead they had only an idea of pessimistic sarcasm or nonlinear punch lines. My name may have been known, but not in the way that I had intended. My true personality was not known by few--it was known by none.
We welcome your feedback.
Your information will not be shared or sold without your consent. Get all the details.
Terms of Service
JewishJournal.com has rules for its commenting community.Get all the details.
JewishJournal.com reserves the right to use your comment in our weekly print publication.