Ladies, Gentlemen, and Jews:
Welcome to beautiful Los Angeles! I write to you from the set of my new Ismar Schorsch biopic starring Danny Glover as Mordecai Kaplan and Jim Caviezel as Ismar Schorsch himself!
When Israeli producers came to America to audition Jewish men to star in "Nice Jewish Boy," their upcoming Bachelor-type reality show, I decided to throw my hat in the ring. After all, who better than me -- a commitment-phobic, ardently secular, anxious, heavily medicated, pale glass of short Jewish water -- to represent the American way?
This could be a chance for me to make a real difference in Israeli-American relations. I began to fantasize about my very own harem of glistening Israeli chicks in sweaty army fatigues, and all that we could do to and for one another in the name of world diplomacy. I'd learn invaluable lessons that only these gorgeous Israelis could teach me: how to shoot an Uzi, how to chain smoke and how to have zero respect for someone's personal space. I, on the other hand, would pass on such valuable American skills as: driving a block away to Starbucks to spend $3 on a cup of coffee, how to say the words "excuse me" and, most importantly, how to apply underarm deodorant.
So, after my initial inquiry and some e-mail exchanges with the producer, I received a phone call from the show's production coordinator in Israel at 6 a.m. No. You heard that right. Six. In the morning.
My mother used to say that there were people starving in China. While her words had the effect of making me guilty enough to eat her badly burnt chicken, I never thought in my wildest dreams that I'd get the chance to see all those starving people in the undernourished flesh. On Nov. 19, I visited Hong Kong when my film, "The Hebrew Hammer," was invited to the fourth annual Hong Kong Jewish Film Festival. No, my friends, that was not a typo. There are actually real live Jews living in Hong Kong, and they have a film festival.